


to the rhythm of your heartbeat

by radiodread



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alive Yoshida Yuuki, Angst, Break Up, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Smut, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:09:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 56,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28941993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiodread/pseuds/radiodread
Summary: When Yuki leaves The Seasons for another band in Tokyo, the remaining members start losing their passion for music. Akihiko takes it upon himself to look for the missing piece that will kick them back into gear and prevent them from disbanding, and the missing piece turns out to be Ritsuka Uenoyama. With Ritsuka comes the rebranding of The Seasons, and they instead become Given.Despite Mafuyu's initial reluctance of letting Ritsuka in, he soon enough can't deny that the very talented guitarist Ritsuka joining them reignited their passion for music. As Mafuyu gets to know Ritsuka, both old and new problems surface that Mafuyu has to deal with, all while trying to make Given succeed in the music industry.
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko & Satou Mafuyu, Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki, Murata Ugetsu & Satou Mafuyu, Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka, Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Comments: 55
Kudos: 67





	1. prologue: the death of you and me

**Author's Note:**

> This work is inspired by the "NANA" series, which, if you haven't read/watched, I highly recommend ([manga](https://myanimelist.net/manga/28/Nana), [anime](https://myanimelist.net/anime/877/Nana)). There will be mature scenes in this story, but you will be notified in the beginning notes of the chapter so you know what to avoid should you not want to read such content.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuki drops a bomb on his band members, and the ones remaining are left to deal with the impact.

> _I seem to spend my whole life  
>  Running from people who can be  
>  **The death of you and me**  
>  'Cause I can feel the storm clouds  
> Sucking up my soul  
>   
> _ _\- Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds_

The scary thing about everything around you being stable and seemingly perfect is that you know it won’t last. Mafuyu has a creeping feeling for what feels like forever, and it bugs him that he can’t figure out why, nor does the catalyst seem to want to happen. He doesn’t know where it comes from, either; seemingly out of nowhere, something in their group dynamic starts to change, and it’s barely noticeable at first, but becomes more and more apparent as time goes on.

Mafuyu loves his band, loves the direction they’re going in. It took a while to get here, to get The Seasons to a point where everyone feels comfortable, but it seems like they’re almost there. Haruki handles their social media account and other ‘press related’ things for the most part, which lands them gigs at various, smaller venues. It’s nice and it feels like they’re going forward at a good tempo, but of course, they want more.

He doesn’t want to be overly optimistic, but Mafuyu feels like they could go far as long as they keep at it. Their music is clearly attracting an audience, as can be seen both in their amount of followers on social media, but also the people who attend their performances. Most people come to hear Yuki sing, but Mafuyu doesn’t mind. As long as they sell tickets, as long as their band name is getting out there, that’s all that matters. They live and breathe music, and that’s all Mafuyu’s ever wanted, ever since that day when Yuki asked him to join The Seasons alongside Yuki himself, Akihiko, and Haruki.

They may be a bit of an odd group if seen personality wise: Haruki being the eldest, most mature member of the group whose interest mainly lie within pop and J-rock; Akihiko being the former music major who plays drums in the band but also plays the violin, preferring anything between classical music and rock. Yuki’s main inspirations are 80’s rock bands while sometimes also delving into heavy rock like Metallica or even Slayer. Mafuyu’s the odd one out who can’t quite put a finger on what genres he’s into; as long as it ‘sounds good’, he doesn’t mind. He guesses that probably means he has a diverse taste in music, though Akihiko likes to tease him and say that it means the opposite—that he doesn’t like _any_ music.

He knows that’s why he wasn’t initially invited to be a part of The Seasons, because his friends just didn’t think he was interested. The thing was that they never asked—well, until _Yuki_ did, but it almost felt like an afterthought. At this point it’s been over two years, so Mafuyu doesn’t think about it anymore. He’s as much part of the band as any of the other members, and that’s all he cares about. He likes where they’re at, where they’re going, and he likes their music. It’s funny how they work so well together considering how different they all are. But maybe that’s exactly why it works so well.

“Where are you? I’m heading to the venue without you to get some practice in.”

“ _Come on, that’s unfair. I’m not gonna be the last one to arrive, you know that_.”

Mafuyu huffs a quiet laugh. “Akihiko’s different. He’s always late, but he has a good reason for it.”

“ _And what’s that?!_ ”

“He works several jobs, for instance. He gets stuck in traffic while you’re just bad at timing the subway.”

Yuki mutters something inaudible on the other end of the line. Mafuyu crosses the street as the light turns green, and now he’s almost at the venue. He knows Haruki’s there already, because Haruki is always there before everyone else, be it gig venues or their studio.

“ _You’re so not cute when you’re like that, Mafuyu_.”

“I’m not really trying to _be_ cute. Get a move on, Yuki.”

“ _I’m hauling ass as hard as I can to get there already!_ ”

Mafuyu snorts. “Gross. See you soon.”

As expected, Haruki has already arrived and gotten comfortable when Mafuyu arrives. He greets Mafuyu with a wide smile and a wave when Mafuyu walks into the greenroom area, nodding his head in the direction of the other people who are there to perform tonight.

“Have you been here long?” Mafuyu asks. He hangs off his jacket, unzipping his guitar case and pulling his Stratocaster out of it. It’s been quite a while since they last performed live, and Mafuyu has been looking forward to this evening for what feels like ages.

“Nah, I got here about five minutes ago.”

“Okay. Have you heard anything from Akihiko?”

“Well, you know how he is. He’ll be here at some point; definitely before we go live.”

Mafuyu hums in response, and they let it end there as Mafuyu tunes his guitar while Haruki sits next to him, scrolling on his phone. It’s a comfortable silence; one they’re only able to sit through because they’ve known each other for as long as they have. Haruki is the oldest of all four of them, and for the most part, it really shows. Especially in comparison to Akihiko and Yuki, who can both be immature and childish at times when Haruki isn’t. But there are times like these when Mafuyu wouldn’t notice the age difference between him and Haruki, and it’s nice.

Thankfully, both Akihiko and Yuki arrive in time to warm up before they get up on stage. Mafuyu just wants to get out there already, wants to experience the exhilarating feeling of performing in front of a crowd, seeing and hearing their reactions and immersing himself in their music. Mafuyu isn’t one to brag, but he really likes their music, and it’s nice knowing others do, too. It took them a while to get to where they are now, and Mafuyu feels like they deserve this.

Their live performance is as adrenaline-inducing as Mafuyu has always felt them to be, as he can almost always expect them to be. Chills run down his spine all the way down to his toes at the sound of the crowd exploding with cheers and applause when the curtain goes up and he gets to see just how many are there to watch them tonight. They’re all perfectly in sync with their songs, and Yuki’s singing is as captivating as it has always been, ever since that first time Mafuyu watched Yuki live before he even joined The Seasons.

Following their gig, the band stay downtown for a few beers and to wind down before calling it a night. Mafuyu’s ears are still ringing; he’s never quite going to get entirely used to how loud it gets at concerts, especially when he’s part of the performance. But he doesn’t mind, because it serves as a token of a great experience, in his opinion.

“Man, that was great,” Akihiko says. “Might’ve been one of our best gigs?”

“ _Ever_? Wow, Aki,” Yuki replies with a laugh. “Yeah, it was pretty great.”

Mafuyu pouts, placing his chin in his hands, elbows propped up on the table. “I wanna perform at bigger venues. I feel like we’re getting too big for places like that one.”

“So why don’t you?” Yuki asks, which makes Mafuyu glare at him.

“That includes you, too, you know.”

The cold outside is relentless, and so is the snow. It’s snowed a lot during the time they spent at the bar, but thankfully it seems to have stopped snowing… for now. Mafuyu, however, isn’t quite dressed for the weather, and dreads the rather long way back to Yuki’s.

“Studio on Wednesday,” Akihiko declares. “I’m not gonna be late, and neither are any of you.”

Mafuyu lets out a _psh_. “Haruki and I are going to be there long before you two. That’s just how it’s always been.”

“We’ll see about that, Mafuyu.”

A gust of wind tousles Mafuyu’s hair, and he shudders, pulling his coat up a little so it almost covers his ears. He really regrets not wearing a beanie tonight.

“I wanna get out of this cold. See you Wednesday,” he says, shoving his hands into his pockets. No, he really isn’t dressed for this weather, not even having gloves. What was he thinking?

“Hey, Yuki. Make sure you talk to Mafuyu about that thing tonight,” Haruki pipes up. “I’m gonna tell Akihiko, even though it’s _your_ responsibility.”

Mafuyu turns his head to look at Haruki, who doesn’t look at him but at Yuki instead. So, Mafuyu directs his gaze to Yuki instead, who Mafuyu swears almost looks scared for a moment. It’s very fleeting, something Mafuyu would have missed had he blinked at the wrong time.

“Yeah,” Yuki replies. “I will.”

“… What’s he talking about? What ‘thing’?” Mafuyu asks, and Yuki turns to Mafuyu instead. Now, Yuki’s grinning widely, but Mafuyu sees through it. Something really isn’t right.

“Well, you see… Haruki’s got a secret. He’s been in love with me for years, and wanted me to tell you tonight because he’s officially becoming your rival.”

Mafuyu raises his eyebrows slightly, giving Yuki an unimpressed look. Meanwhile, Akihiko’s laughing from where he’s leaning against Haruki for support, an arm slung over Haruki’s shoulders.

“Uh-huh.”

The train ride back to Yuki’s place is spent in a silence completely different from the one Mafuyu shared with Haruki earlier that evening. It isn’t pleasant, and Mafuyu just wants _someone_ to puncture it with literally anything. The thing is, he doesn’t know what to say, nor does it seem like Yuki really wants to talk, either. It’s funny, because Yuki has suddenly changed from his usual, loud and boisterous personality to almost brooding and silent. Whatever it is Yuki has discussed with Haruki has to be a big deal, but Mafuyu has absolutely no idea what it could be.

By the time they get back to Yuki’s apartment, Mafuyu feels like he’s been frozen from his head to his toes ever since they left the studio. He’s quick to shed his outer clothing and draw a bath, which Yuki laughs at.

“You don’t have to join me if you don’t want to,” Mafuyu says, and Yuki gasps in offence.

“Hey, it’s my bathtub.”

“What happened to ‘what’s yours is mine’?”

Yuki laughs as he walks past Mafuyu into the kitchen. “Maybe things can change.”

They end up sharing the bathtub, after all, but Mafuyu never thought otherwise. Usually when he’s at Yuki’s place, they take baths together. It’s been like this for almost as long as Mafuyu has known Yuki, which is quite a few years at this point. They got together early on, but it never felt strange—rather, it felt _right_. Like they just clicked, similar to how a key fits into a keyhole. Maybe that’s why Mafuyu hung the necklace with a padlock around Yuki’s neck, he doesn’t remember. Yuki often jokes that Mafuyu did it to keep Yuki to himself, and maybe that’s more likely an explanation.

He remembers the first time he met Yuki, which technically wasn’t a meeting. Yuki was performing with Haruki and Akihiko in a small club just outside downtown. Mafuyu had gone there as per Haruki’s recommendation (or really, persistence), and when he witnessed Yuki sing and perform, he knew exactly why Haruki wanted him there in the first place. Mafuyu isn’t going to say that it was love at first sight, but he certainly felt _something_ as he stood in the crowd watching the predecessor to The Seasons perform on stage with Yuki as their singer.

After that, it was almost a given that they were going to get together. Maybe it’s because they have similar backgrounds, both having been latchkey kids with stormy households growing up, because they could relate to one another. In most other instances, Mafuyu and Yuki couldn’t be more different, but maybe that’s why they work so well together. Of course, they’ve certainly had their bumps along the road, maybe more than just a few, but that goes for most relationships. People aren’t perfect, and neither are their relationships.

The sex has always been great, though. Mafuyu had been offended the first time they had sex because Yuki thought of him as vanilla and as someone who couldn’t take things being a little rough. His appearance is definitely deceiving, Mafuyu has found out, and sometimes it can be to his advantage. As time went on, Yuki learnt that Mafuyu is definitely not the delicate and frail-looking person he once saw in the crowd at one of his gigs. Likewise, Yuki is far from vanilla in bed, which Mafuyu appreciates. They know each other’s limits, likes, and dislikes, and that’s another thing that makes them a good match. Trust has rarely ever been an issue, either, which is one of the biggest things Mafuyu values in his relationships, romantic or not.

He heaves a sigh as he pulls out, and Yuki lets out a barely audible groan in response. Mafuyu takes off and discards his condom in the bin by the nightstand, but he stays in the same position, hovering over Yuki whilst supporting himself on his elbows.

“Hey,” he says. “What was Haruki talking about earlier? Is it about the band? It sounded serious.”

“His crush on me _is_ serious,” Yuki says, and Mafuyu sighs again, getting up off the bed.

“Fine. I’ll hear it from Haruki, anyway, if you don’t wanna tell—”

He barely has time to react before Yuki’s arm is around his neck, pulling him back down onto the bed. Suddenly, Mafuyu is staring at Yuki who’s sitting on the bed now, wearing an expression Mafuyu can’t read. The fact that he can’t scares him.

“I’m moving to Tokyo. So… you can do with The Seasons as you wish.”

Mafuyu’s eyes widen. Yuki has the slightest smile on his lips, but his gaze is unwavering, steadily trained on Mafuyu. It pisses Mafuyu off.

“You’re… you’re _what_?”

“I’m joining another band. I want to see where I can go from here.”

 _What the hell is that?_ Mafuyu thinks to himself, and he feels like his blood is starting to boil. What about them, what about The Seasons? It’s always been them, The Seasons or not—they’ve always been a group. And now Yuki wants to abandon that? For what?

Mafuyu opens his mouth, but he doesn’t know how to put his thoughts into words, so he closes his mouth again just as quickly. There are so many things he could say and ask, but he doesn’t know where to begin. He’s angry, confused, sad, disappointed. Where the hell do they go now that their vocalist is gone, let alone Mafuyu’s _boyfriend_? If Yuki moves to Tokyo, they’d have to be in a long-distance relationship. And Mafuyu doesn’t believe in those.

“Wh—wait, are you… going to play support?”

He doesn’t know why he’s asking this, of course that isn’t what this is. Apparently, some part of Mafuyu desperately hopes that this is just temporary, this isn’t Yuki abandoning The Seasons for another band, making the decision permanent. But of course it has to be. He’s felt it in the air, knows now that he’s seen the signs. And it all led to _this_.

“No. I’m joining as The Liberated’s vocalist.”

Even though he’d expected it, the words still cut through Mafuyu like a sharp knife: quickly, and as painful as it could ever be. Yuki lets go, leaving Mafuyu’s vision, and Mafuyu himself sits up, too. His chest feels tight, and he’s finding it harder to breathe by the second. Mafuyu hears his pulse in his ears, and he hates that sound.

“You’re just gonna leave us? Me? What about _us_?”

Yuki doesn’t immediately respond, and Mafuyu’s blood finally starts to boil in his veins. He clenches his fists, hard enough for his nails to leave crescent-shaped marks in his palms. How dare Yuki not have an immediate response, as if this was a decision made at the drop of a hat? It most certainly wasn’t; it’s obvious this has been in the works a while, and that’s what makes Mafuyu the most angry.

“I don’t know,” Yuki says. “We can always try a long distance re—”

“Oh, hell no; you _know_ those don’t work out in the end,” Mafuyu spits back. “So, what? You’re just gonna leave our band when we’re at this good point we’ve reached? You’re just gonna leave me behind like this and not feel bad about it?”

“Of _course_ I feel bad. This wasn’t an easy decision to make, Mafuyu.”

Somehow, Mafuyu doubts that. “So that’s it, then. You’re moving to Tokyo.”

Yuki reaches out to take Mafuyu’s hand, but Mafuyu quickly shrugs him off. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be. I at least want us to part on good terms.”

Mafuyu swallows the lump in his throat, refusing to look Yuki’s way though he can feel that Yuki is looking at him. He hates knowing that he’s one of the last people to find out, that Haruki has probably known ever since Yuki made the decision. That isn’t to invalidate their friendship, but Mafuyu is Yuki’s _boyfriend_. Doesn’t that count for anything? Has it _ever_ counted for anything?

“You’re just doing this for yourself, no one else. You know, I realise now that you’ve always been selfish. Always done whatever _you_ wanted. Naming the band, choosing the direction of our music, the lyrics, when and where we do our gigs. It’s always been about you.”

“Mafuyu, don’t say that. That’s not true.”

Mafuyu suddenly hates hearing Yuki say his name. He wants to erase every memory of having heard it, he wants to take back the decision to join the band in the first place. Dating within a band never works out, he knows this much, and yet… here they are. Here they’ve been for several years, and this is how it ends.

_“I wanna perform at bigger venues. I feel like we’re getting too big for places like that one.”_

_“So why don’t you?”_

_“That includes you, too, you know.”_

The memory of their recent conversation makes Mafuyu feel sick to his stomach. He should’ve noticed it right then and there, with Yuki counting himself out of future band-related matters. He gets up off Yuki’s bed, and without a word, he starts getting himself dressed. Unsurprisingly, Yuki doesn’t get up to stop him from eventually leaving. Yuki has made up his mind, calculated an equation in which Mafuyu isn’t included, and neither are any of the other bandmates.

Mafuyu is right by the doorway to Yuki’s bedroom when Yuki speaks up. “Mafuyu… I’m sorry.”

It makes Mafuyu almost want to turn around and spit Yuki in the face, but he doesn’t. Instead, Mafuyu huffs through his nose, closing his eyes briefly. “It’s too late to be sorry.”

To think that things could change as fast as they did, within what felt like a heartbeat. It scares Mafuyu thinking about how other things could change that drastically, if what he thought was a stable and loving relationship could be blown to smithereens in the blink of an eye. It makes him wonder if it ever meant anything at all.

Maybe it never did mean anything; Mafuyu will never know. All he knows is that it all feels like it was a lie, and he feels like an idiot for having believed it.

* * *

He doesn’t talk to any of the other band members for a few days after that. Instead, Mafuyu immerses himself in work and practicing the guitar. It doesn’t take long at all for him to start having sleep problems, which results in a tension headache causing a constant, dull throb in his forehead that spreads a pain down to his shoulders, too. What makes Mafuyu angry is the fact that a mere person was able to cause this to happen, that he’s _this_ susceptible to it.

While avoiding contact with his friends, he’s also ignoring all of the calls and messages from Yuki that seemingly won’t ever stop. After a few days of it not ceasing, Mafuyu deletes and blocks Yuki’s number from his phone, but that only prompts Yuki to come over in person one day and knock on Mafuyu’s door, asking to be let inside.

“Come on. Can’t we just talk? I don’t wanna leave when we’re like this.”

Mafuyu puts his headphones on, thankful in situations like these that they’re of the noise-cancelling kind. Yuki won’t be there too long, Mafuyu knows that much. His neighbours would notice and maybe even call the police on Yuki for showing practically stalkerish behaviour soon enough. Only now that things are like this, when Mafuyu’s rose-tinted glasses have been forcefully taken off, does he see the many flaws in their relationship. Maybe this is for the best, in the end, but that still doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

When he’s done with his practice and on his way into the kitchen, Mafuyu doesn’t hear Yuki outside his apartment anymore. He shrugs to himself and starts preparing dinner.

According to a text message from Haruki, Yuki’s leaving for Tokyo in just a few days. Mafuyu feels sick to his stomach reading it, but he at least tries to be normal in his response to Haruki where he just confirms that he’s taken in the information. He doesn’t say that he isn’t going to be there to see Yuki off, because he doesn’t know how to. They’ll find out soon enough, unless Haruki has already figured it out. It wouldn’t be all that surprising—if Haruki knew this much, he’s very much capable of figuring out that a romantic relationship wouldn’t survive such a move.

Maybe this is why most bands Mafuyu knows of has the golden rule of band members not being allowed to date… although, to be fair, they were doomed regardless since their _singer_ has left. It doesn’t matter if the singer dated the guitarist or not, The Seasons is still going to be without their singer now, and that’s basically a death sentence. They _could_ , technically, go to being an instrumental band, but they’ve got fans that are basically only fans because of Yuki, so that just isn’t going to work.

Yeah, they’re doomed. Yuki has basically decided on chasing his own dreams, disregarding those of his friends and his boyfriend, effectively destroying the band he helped start to begin with. Everything Mafuyu thought to be true turned out to be the opposite, and he hates himself for having been so gullible. In the end, people really only care about themselves.

On a day that Mafuyu assumes to be the day with a capital D, someone’s at his door again. He’s fully prepared to continue ignoring the doorbell until his phone rings, and he’s surprised to see Akihiko’s name on the display. He raises his eyebrows as he picks up his phone, answering the call.

“Hello?”

“ _Mafuyu, hey. You at home? I’m outside_.”

Mafuyu sighs quietly. “Yeah, I’m… I’m at home. I’ll open the door.”

He hangs up, getting up off his couch to go open up for Akihiko. A brief sense of panic hits him where he realises that this could very well be a trap, and Akihiko might have brought Yuki with him. If only Mafuyu had a peephole on his door, he could figure this out without having to open, but such isn’t the case. He just has to hope that isn’t the case, and open the door since he’s already said he’d do so.

“Why aren’t you opening your door? Jeez, Mafuyu,” Akihiko says the very second Mafuyu opens. Akihiko eyes him up and down, and he makes an odd grimace. “Whoa. You look like you haven’t slept in _years_. Something wrong?”

He’s had the dark circles under his eyes pointed out to him already at work, which is why he’s resorted to covering them up with make-up during the day. But now that he’s at home, Mafuyu obviously doesn’t bother, so it shocks him briefly that Akihiko points it out. But of course, things like that really do stick out.

“Why are you here?” he finds himself asking instead, which visibly takes Akihiko aback.

“I haven’t heard from you since the live. Wanted to make sure you’re still alive and kickin’.”

Mafuyu rolls his eyes as he lets Akihiko inside. “Come on, I’m not _that_ dramatic.”

“So something _did_ happen. Did you have a fight with Yuki?”

Internally cursing himself for his unintentional choice of words, Mafuyu bites the inside of his cheek. He doesn’t look Akihiko in the eye. “I’m guessing you already know he’s going to Tokyo.”

“Yup. Oh, is that why you fought? Figured that’d happen.”

Mafuyu finally looks up at Akihiko. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I don’t think it’d be possible to have a relationship survive a thing like that. Not to be a killjoy or anything, but… you know.”

“… That’s what I said, too,” Mafuyu mutters. “He thought we’d survive that. It’s not… it’s not just that. He’s just _leaving_ us. What are we going to do now? Our band can’t survive without—without a singer.”

Mafuyu almost slips up again and says ‘survive without Yuki’, but he thankfully manages to stop himself and rephrase that in the last second. They might be able to survive without Yuki given enough time, but surviving without a _singer_ is a different story.

Akihiko hums. “I wouldn’t be so sure of that. We could find a new singer.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Well, it could be. Listen, it’s not that I’m not upset he’s leaving—of course I am. I feel fucking backstabbed, too. But I see it this way: if we find a new singer and manage to live on without him here, wouldn’t that just be the biggest ‘fuck you’ to Yuki? Showing him that, even though he’s moving to Tokyo to make it big without us, we can do the same right here without him.”

Mafuyu stares in shock at Akihiko, and he doesn’t immediately know what to say in response. He’s always admired Akihiko’s ability to be realistic, level-headed and how he can stay calm even in the strangest, most chaotic situations. Such things might come with age, sure, but Mafuyu knows that Akihiko just has a lot of life experience that shaped him into the person he is today. He’s been through a lot and still came out the kind and caring person he is now, which is another thing Mafuyu greatly admires.

“I… uh. I guess we could do that. I just don’t know how.”

Akihiko shrugs. “We’ll figure it out somehow.”

It’s this mindset of Akihiko’s that echoes in Mafuyu’s head after this. When the day comes for Yuki to board a train to Tokyo, Mafuyu still doesn’t show up at the station. Akihiko and Haruki go, but Mafuyu stays at home. By this point, both Akihiko and Haruki know about the breakup, but Haruki has yet to say anything about it. Not that it really matters; it’s already happened and there was really no way to stop it from happening unless Yuki changed his mind about going to Tokyo.

Although, with Mafuyu’s recent revelations about his relationship with Yuki, he’s not too sure they would’ve survived much longer, anyway. Their romantic relationship is one thing, but the band is another. The band is what would’ve eventually lasted, would’ve taken them far. But then Yuki had to go and throw all of it away—not just his relationship with Mafuyu, but also the band which wouldn’t have existed had he not been around to begin with.

At the end of the day when Yuki takes the train to Tokyo and his new future, instead of Akihiko, Haruki is the one who appears outside the door to Mafuyu’s apartment. He hasn’t talked much to Haruki since the live, really, which is unusual for the two of them given their long and good friendship, but Mafuyu hasn’t put much thought into it since his mind has, regrettably, been elsewhere.

“Hey,” Haruki says. “Can I come in?”

Mafuyu blinks a few times, confused, and then he lets Haruki in. As Haruki takes off his shoes and coat, neither of them say anything, and Mafuyu can’t help but note the strange atmosphere between them. It’s very unusual; Mafuyu can’t ever think of a time when he’s had even the smallest argument or disagreement with Haruki. If he’s had one, it certainly wasn’t important nor memorable, anyway. That isn’t to say that they’ll have one right here and now, but Mafuyu just gets the feeling that there might be a risk for that.

“Do you want anything to drink? I don’t have much, but I have… uh, tea, and water.”

Haruki smiles stiffly. “Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.”

“Sure,” Mafuyu replies, and he can’t quite hide the suspicion in his voice. Something’s definitely not right, but he can’t for the life of him even guess what it could be. It absolutely has to do with Yuki, that much is certain, but it also doesn’t feel like Haruki’s here just because he’s concerned for either Yuki or Mafuyu after their breakup.

They go into the living room where Mafuyu and Haruki sit down on the couch, with a notable distance between them. Haruki interlaces his fingers in his lap, looking down at them as he visibly prepares himself mentally for what’s about to be talked about. Mafuyu feels something akin to a pit in his stomach, something that makes him feel nervous.

“Listen, Mafuyu… I don’t know how to tell you this, because I know you’re not gonna be happy with me. But I wanna be honest with you, because you deserve that. I haven’t _been_ honest, but… I had my reasons.”

Mafuyu raises his eyebrows slightly, taking a quiet, deep breath. “Okay.”

“Yuki approached me about the whole Tokyo thing a while back. He’d gotten an offer from a band to join them as their new singer, and… well, he saw the potential in that band. They… they’re gonna become big, even I can tell.”

“So?” Mafuyu asks, looking off to the side at a spot on the wall. “Why do I need to know this? It feels like you’re just rubbing it in my face. You _and_ him.”

Haruki shakes his head, and Mafuyu feels Haruki’s eyes on him. “That’s not my intention. He originally didn’t wanna do it, he wanted to decline because he was thinking about you. Yuki knew that it’d ruin your relationship if he went, so he was about to turn them down.”

“But he didn’t.”

“He didn’t, because I told him to go.”

Haruki’s words don’t immediately register in Mafuyu’s brain, but when they do, it feels like someone’s just dropped a bucket of ice water over his head. It’s a near-paralysing feeling, completely freezing his thought process. He looks back at Haruki, who’s turned his gaze downward again. If Mafuyu didn’t know better, he would’ve almost thought that Haruki looks guilt-stricken.

Could he be, considering his knowledge of what was at stake if Yuki were to leave, and despite that told Yuki to go to Tokyo?

“You told Yuki to go?”

“I did. It’s just… because I know he can go really far. He’s outgrown us, and I know this is better for him.”

“Even though it broke us up. _You_ basically did.”

Mafuyu can’t stop the words from tumbling out past his lips, though he knows it isn’t entirely true. Again, he knows that his relationship with Yuki had many flaws and wouldn’t have lasted long, but Haruki’s actions still fast-forwarded to the demise of said relationship.

Haruki winces at the harshness of Mafuyu’s words, but Mafuyu doesn’t regret them despite the damage they’ve done. “I had everyone’s best interest in mind when I talked Yuki into going, believe me. Trapnest’s guitarist had contacted me after Yuki initially refused, and I… couldn’t _not_ let Yuki go once I thought things over. It’s for his own best.”

“But not for us. Don’t you want us to succeed? More than half of our fanbase will be gone now that he is, you know that.”

“You’re giving Yuki too much credit, you know,” Haruki points out. “We’re not doomed just because he’s gone. We can come back, not as we were, but as something new.”

Something falls into place for Mafuyu when Haruki speaks, and he hates to admit even to himself that yes, maybe he _is_ giving Yuki too much credit. Maybe they won’t be doomed just because they lost their singer—as Akihiko said, they can find someone to replace Yuki. The harsh reality is that people can always be replaced, be it as band members, friends, romantic partners or even family members that don’t have to be blood-related.

As amazing as Yuki is, both as a singer and a guitarist, he isn’t the be-all and end-all of The Seasons. Mafuyu’s rose-tinted glasses are off, his bias has burnt to a crisp. That still doesn’t change the fact that Haruki essentially chose to let a relationship end for the sake of their band.

“Mafuyu—”

“No,” Mafuyu interrupts. “I want you to leave.”

“Could you at least let me explain?” Haruki asks, but Mafuyu isn’t having it.

“ _Now_.”

Haruki opens his mouth to fire back a response, but he seems to think better of it by not saying anything, in the end. He gets up off the couch to walk out of the living room, and Mafuyu doesn’t see him out the door. He has too many thoughts swirling about in his mind that he can’t really focus on anything, so instead of just sitting inside and letting said thoughts consume him, Mafuyu heads out for a jog. He puts on his headphones, setting the volume to high, and choosing the playlist with the screamiest rock he has in his music library.

Mafuyu really hopes Haruki has a plan as for how the hell they’re going to get out of this and rebuild The Seasons as something better, but Mafuyu also isn’t going to be holding his breath waiting for it to happen.

* * *

Considering the fact that they’re closely related and also that Mafuyu just hasn’t responded to basically any calls from those close to Yuki since he boarded a train to Tokyo, maybe Mafuyu shouldn’t be too surprised to see Saeko outside the door to his apartment a few weeks after Yuki left. She _is_ his mother, after all, and Yuki certainly took after her in many ways, this thing being one of those.

“I know you probably don’t want to, but _I_ want to talk. Will you let me in?”

As direct as ever, that Saeko. Mafuyu feels like he has no other choice but to let Saeko inside even though he technically bears no responsibility to be kind to her now. Despite that, Mafuyu can’t bring himself _not_ to be nice to her given the history he has both with Yuki and having been around Saeko so often. She isn’t the one who did anything wrong here, but unfortunately, her son is.

“Do you… uh, want anything? To drink?” he asks lamely. Saeko turns around and gives him a smile.

“I’m good, thank you; I won’t stay long. I know you probably prefer it that way.”

He feels bad; again, Saeko isn’t the one he’s angry with. She just happens to be the mother of the man Mafuyu was dating for so many years, who made the unfathomable decision to abandon everything and move to Tokyo to start anew. Mafuyu knows deep down that it probably wouldn’t have mattered if Haruki told Yuki to go or not—if Yuki had even considered it in the first place and then decided not to go, he would’ve lamented that fact afterwards and maybe changed his mind later on, anyway.

Maybe he was a little bit too harsh on Haruki, after all. Mafuyu shamefully makes a mental note to get in touch with Haruki to apologise for how he’d acted the last time they met. Haruki was really only doing what a good friend would do, Mafuyu assumes. He can’t say for sure since he hasn’t been in that situation before, and that’s exactly why he probably shouldn’t judge Haruki for having told Yuki to follow his dreams.

Saeko sits down on the couch, and Mafuyu follows suit. She wears a sombre look on her face, almost looking a little sorrowful.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Yuki’s worried about you.”

Mafuyu fails spectacularly at holding back a sarcastic snort. “He sent you because I wouldn’t answer his calls and texts. That’s smart of him.”

“Mafuyu,” Saeko says in a tone that’s supposed to sound stern but holds very little weight. “I know you’re angry, upset, and you feel betrayed. I can’t blame you.”

“So you think that it was a bad idea for him to leave, too?”

Saeko smiles a little, and she shakes her head. “As his mother, I can only really encourage his efforts and achievements. Of course, having known you for as long as I have, it was tough to think that you would be so far apart now that he’s moved. But… he wants to move forward in life, and this is the only way he knows how to.”

“Without us,” Mafuyu replies dryly.

“It wasn’t an easy decision to make.”

Mafuyu sighs irritably. “Yeah, yeah. Haruki said the same thing.”

“Then maybe there could be some truth to that?”

They’re probably not going to get anywhere, considering the fact that Mafuyu and Saeko are on completely opposite sides of this argument. Saeko is, of course, going to take his son’s side, whereas Mafuyu wouldn’t even dream of it. He’s still angry and hurt because of the decision Yuki made to just up and leave everything behind at the drop of a hat, but the thing is, Mafuyu doesn’t _want_ to feel angry and hurt. He wants to be able to move on quickly and pretend like it didn’t happen, help get his back band on its feet, and prove to Yuki that they can succeed without him.

Maybe that’s just how he’s going to have to see things from now on, to lessen the feeling of the giant hole Yuki left behind for Mafuyu to fill, somehow. He’s determined to fill it with first of all a new member in their band, and subsequently music, with song writing, more gigs. The best way to let Yuki know that he isn’t needed for The Seasons’ success is to, obviously, succeed without his help.

Mafuyu shrugs, and he doesn’t look Saeko in the eye. “Maybe. It doesn’t matter, what’s done is done.”

“Can’t you at least try to talk things out with him? I think you’d both feel better that way, and it might be easier to move on, as friends.”

Saeko means well, Mafuyu has to keep that in mind. She may be on Yuki’s side here, but she’s also always been very kind and understanding to Mafuyu, which he won’t take for granted nor forget. At the same time, he’s been put in an uncomfortable situation where Saeko is asking for too much too soon. It’s only been about a month since Yuki left, yet the wounds still feel fresh to the point where the lightest scratch would make them bleed again.

He bites the inside of his cheek, trying to not let his facial expressions reveal what he’s really thinking.

“I’ll think about it,” Mafuyu says, but he’s sure even Saeko knows that it probably isn’t true.


	2. one point perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months have passed since Yuki moved to Tokyo, and the three left in The Seasons are still dealing with the effects it had on them. After hearing about who just started working at Haruki's café, and considering the fact that neither of them have barely touched their respective instruments in half a year, Akihiko has an idea come to life. Enter Ritsuka Uenoyama.

> _By the time reality hits, the chimes of freedom fell to bits  
>  The shinin' city on the fritz  
> They come out of the cracks, thirsty for blood (Stop)_
> 
> _Oh, just as the apocalypse finally gets prioritised  
>  And you cry some of the hottest tears you ever cried  
> Multiplied by five  
>  **I suppose a singer must die  
>   
> **_ _\- Arctic Monkeys_

**Six months later**.

It’s a sweltering hot day, and Mafuyu regrets for what feels like the umpteenth time this week that he works in a place with a dying air conditioner. It’s _been_ dying for a few weeks now, and he’s just waiting for it to go completely silent and leave them all go to mad because their manager is a frugal idiot who will absolutely refuse to get it replaced unless it explodes. Maybe someone should make sure it does. Mafuyu isn’t going to do it, though; he needs this job far too much to dare risking it.

His mother tells him that he can do better, but Mafuyu likes his job at the convenience store. It pays more than one might expect out of such a little shop, the hours are good, and he more than just tolerates his co-workers. This is also where Mafuyu met Akihiko, and subsequently got to know the others. It seems like such a long time ago at this point, given everything that has happened since then.

“Hey, Mafuyu. Hellooo? Earth to Mafuyu?”

Mafuyu feels a knuckle lightly knock him on the side of his head, and he turns to face Akihiko next to him. “Hm?”

“What’re you spacing out for? Won’t look good if someone comes in. Especially Takeshi.”

Mafuyu lets out an _oh_ , and he nods slowly. “Didn’t notice. I don’t think Takeshi’s gonna come in today.”

“I’m just saying just in case. Or if a customer sees and thinks we’re slacking off.”

“But there’s no one here.”

Akihiko sighs, rolling his eyes. “What’s up with you today?”

“I dunno. Don’t think I had enough sleep last n—”

He stops himself abruptly when a certain song starts playing on the radio. It’s playing a lot recently, and it’s no wonder considering how popular this new album is. Mafuyu hates that it is. He doesn’t listen to the radio himself since he often finds himself unable to find anything he likes listening to, and besides, his streaming service of choice doesn’t come with advertisements and gives him the freedom to listen to whatever he wants whenever he feels like it.

When songs by The Liberated play on the radio, it’s not something Mafuyu can choose to listen to, nor can he predict when he’ll hear Yuki’s voice coming out of the store’s speakers.

“… I’m gonna go switch the radio channel,” Akihiko says, and turns on his heel abruptly. “You should try and get your head back in the game; we’ve only got an hour left of our shift.”

Mafuyu waits for Akihiko to get back behind the cash register before he heads out back to splash his face with cold water in the staff restroom. He straightens his back, staring back at his reflection in the mirror, but he makes cuts the moment short. He sees himself in the mirror for long enough to know that he doesn’t even _look_ like himself; it’s not just that he’s not acting like he usually does. He knows the most probable reason for it, but Mafuyu won’t even admit it to himself.

Somehow, he gets through the remainder of their shift without further issues. As he and Akihiko pass the baton to the night shift workers, they stand outside for a little while like they often do; Akihiko smoking a cigarette before getting on his motorcycle, and Mafuyu sitting next to Akihiko looking up at the pitch black sky above them. He can’t see the stars at first, but as his eyes adjust to the darkness, a few stars show up, but not enough to complete even a single constellation.

“I moved out from Ugetsu’s,” comes Akihiko’s voice, and Mafuyu turns his head. He raises his eyebrows in surprise.

“You did? Why?”

“Don’t wanna depend on him anymore.”

Mafuyu hesitates briefly before responding. “Is it really over, then?”

“What is?”

“Between you two.”

Akihiko laughs a little. “I suppose so, yeah. It’s for the best.”

Mafuyu won’t verbally agree, but he does so internally. It wasn’t a healthy relationship, the one Akihiko had with Ugetsu, but he knows they loved each other, in their own way. Even so, this _is_ probably better for them both, in the end. Sometimes people stop growing and developing when they’re together, so they have to go their separate ways in order to continue said growth, so they can change and ultimately lead better lives.

He’s always looked up to Akihiko because Akihiko has all of this life experience Mafuyu doesn’t. Despite only being four years older, Akihiko had early on been through a lot of things people normally wouldn’t have at that age. Now that he’s twenty-six, it seems like he might finally be able to piece things together. Mafuyu doesn’t think it’s something one should forget about even if they move on. Everything Akihiko went through and experienced while with Ugetsu is something he can take with him into his next relationship.

“So where are you going to live? Where _do_ you live?”

Akihiko shrugs. “I live at another friend’s place for now, but I’m looking for one of my own. I’ve been looking at apartments closer to Yokohama, and it looks promising. Not gonna jinx myself, though.”

Mafuyu smiles. “Well, that’s good.”

“Yeah.” Akihiko puts out his cigarette, standing up. “Ready to go?”

It doesn’t take long before Mafuyu receives the update that Akihiko has finally landed his own apartment. It’s not that far away from where Haruki lives, but a few stops for Mafuyu for when he’ll get to visit once Akihiko has received the keys. He’s offered to help Akihiko move in, and Haruki will be there, too, so it probably won’t take long to get Akihiko moved in.

It wasn’t that difficult for Mafuyu to forgive Haruki, in the end. Really, Mafuyu just had to give himself time to think and readjust to things, and then he could start thinking about things in a different way. He can never say for sure that he wouldn’t do the same thing Yuki did, as he’s never had the opportunity. Mafuyu also can’t technically blame Yuki for choosing a career in music over his friends and boyfriend. A career will take him further. Friendships and relationships don’t last the way a career might. In the end, Mafuyu would choose the same thing, if he knew music would in the end make him enough money to live.

Of course, that doesn’t mean it never hurt thinking about it, thinking about Yuki. It took a long time for Mafuyu to get to where he is today, where he can look back on things and say that he enjoyed his time with Yuki for the most part, and his vision isn’t _too_ clouded. Maybe it still is to some point, but that’ll probably clear up as time continues to pass.

Mafuyu still hasn’t talked to Yuki since the day Yuki left for Tokyo. He still doesn’t feel ready to unblock Yuki’s number on his phone, knowing Yuki might probably still try to get in touch with Mafuyu. If they were to talk again, what would they say? If they met again, would they get back together? They can’t get back to the way things used to be, but could it get better?

As time has passed and Mafuyu has taken said time to think back on things, he’s realised that many things about his relationship with Yuki weren’t perfect. He was happy, felt loved, and maybe at some point, Mafuyu would’ve thought that to be enough. But there was always a small, lingering feeling of a lack of trust between the two. Their communication wasn’t the best, either, and those two are things Mafuyu has now come to really value in any kind of relationship, romantic or not. Experiences shape a person, changes them, sometimes makes them learn from their mistakes.

“There’s this new guy at my job,” Haruki says. “I know I’ve seen him before, but I don’t know where. It’s really weird.”

Akihiko hums almost teasingly. “In your dreams, maybe?”

“Shut up, Aki. I’m serious, I think… maybe I’ve seen him play gigs somewhere.”

“Well, what’s the guy’s name?”

Lowering his eyebrows, Haruki narrows his eyes a little as he ponders. “Uh… Kageyama? No, wait… probably Takayama. Maybe. Not sure.”

“Wow, two common last names, even around these parts. Not a lot to go on there, Haruki.”

Haruki sighs with frustration. “Well, that’s just it—it _wasn’t_ common. I know it wasn’t Takayama, but… oh! Uenoyama, I think? Yeah. Ritsuka Uenoyama.”

Akihiko’s eyes widen with surprise. “No way. What the hell’s _he_ doing working at a fancy café?”

Haruki huffs, glaring at Akihiko. “ _Excuse_ you, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean… no offence, Haruki. It’s just… he’s pretty famous around music venues in the area, ain’t he? Thought he’d be a band musician or something.”

Mafuyu can’t say he’s ever heard the name, so he chooses to just listen to the conversation without participating. Besides, he’s getting a little tired from having carried Akihiko’s heavy boxes for a few hours now, but he doesn’t want the others to know that by hearing how out of breath he’s getting, so it’s probably best if he just doesn’t say anything, anyway.

“Pretty sure he is,” Haruki replies. “But yeah, I guess it doesn’t make sense if he’s in a band.”

“Maybe you should ask. Break the ice, make friends with the guy.”

Haruki makes an unsure sound and grimaces. “He’s not really that approachable, to be honest. I’ll see how it goes.”

Akihiko snorts a laugh before setting down the two boxes he’s been carrying. Mafuyu won’t deny that he’s a little jealous of Akihiko’s muscles and physical strength. “’Not approachable’? Isn’t he _supposed_ to be if he’s serving customers all day? Seems like a weird place to work at if he’s a constant grump.”

“Mmm, well… yeah. I don’t know. They took him in for _some_ reason, and I’m sure my boss hasn’t heard of Uenoyama before. He’s not the type to go and watch indie and rock bands perform at bars and clubs, so Uenoyama’s obviously gotten the job because he fits the role.”

Akihiko is still grinning, and it looks almost mischievous. It almost makes him look like a kid plotting a prank. “I can’t wait to come in and order something from this guy, see what he’s like.”

Haruki sighs, shrugging. “Just don’t say anything out of line or something he obviously doesn’t know I’ve told you.”

“Fine,” Akihiko mutters, and that finally makes Mafuyu burst out laughing. The other two turn to look at him with puzzled expressions, but then they join in, too.

As one could expect from Akihiko, he does actually follow through with his plan on seeing Uenoyama working at Haruki’s café, a report he gives Mafuyu afterwards. Not that it matters much to Mafuyu—again, he doesn’t know who this Uenoyama guy is even though his bandmates do, so he doesn’t know what good the information is going to do in his hands.

“ _I’m pretty sure you’ve seen him; he’s definitely played at the same venues as us before. Well, it doesn’t matter right now, I suppose. Though I do recommend going to see him play live someday if you get the chance. It’s quite an experience_.”

Mafuyu rolls his eyes, and he smiles a little. “Yeah, yeah, keep singing his praises. So? Was he as stuck up and unapproachable as Haruki said?”

“ _So here’s the thing. As soon as I came in, I saw him, right? And when he saw me, he turned white as a fucking ghost. I almost felt bad and wanted to back away from my original plan_.”

Mafuyu can’t help but laugh at that, and he shakes his head. “You know, I used to think you looked scary back when I first met you, too.”

“ _Well, if you’d let me finish, you’d know why he looked like that. Apparently he’s seen me with my old band perform before, and he’s… well—_ ”

“—a fanboy of yours?”

Akihiko snorts incredulously on the other end of the line. “ _That’s… a way to describe someone. I wouldn’t use that term, but it’s… along those lines._ ”

It almost sounds like the beginning of a love story in Mafuyu’s ears. He finds it absolutely hilarious, but it’s becoming obvious that Akihiko doesn’t share that opinion. “Cute.”

“ _It’s not ‘cute’, Mafuyu. See, I looked him up on YouTube and I may have a suggestion_.”

Mafuyu knows where this is going, but he wants to hear it, anyway. “Uh-huh. What’s that?”

“ _We should ask Uenoyama to join The Seasons_.”

* * *

Mafuyu rubs the pad of his left thumb against that of his middle finger—his calluses are starting to soften and disappear, and it reminds him of how painful it once was to have them slowly appear in the first place. How long has it been since then? How many things have happened and changed since? In just over six months, The Seasons went from being very much active both on stage and on social media to their guitarist losing the calluses in his fingers from lack of guitar playing, and the others most likely having the same issue. Just over six months later, they still don’t have a singer, and Mafuyu doesn’t know how they’ll be able to move on from where they stand now.

He glances at the guitar case leaning against the corner by his bedroom door. He knows that it’d take a bit of effort and time to get back to it: his strings might need changed, and he’ll have to tune his guitar, too. Mafuyu is afraid that he’ll lose this little spark of motivation he has once he actually gets to play his guitar, so instead, he leaves it be. He closes his eyes briefly, and then gets up off his bed to instead go out for a run.

Maybe Mafuyu should ask Akihiko and Haruki what they feel about the whole thing. They haven’t exactly talked about band stuff since their last performance before Yuki left other than bringing it up very briefly every once in a while, but that hasn’t been enough to get things going again. Mafuyu knows most of the responsibility of that lies with him, and he’s sure the others know that, too. The problem is that Mafuyu can’t think of a way for them to go further after having suffered such a devastating blow. Can they really turn into an instrumental band after always having had a vocalist? Wouldn’t it be the other way around?

Granted, Akihiko _had_ asked Mafuyu if they should ask this Uenoyama guy if he wants to join them. But the thing is, if Uenoyama joins, they still won’t have a singer since Uenoyama’s a guitarist. Maybe he can sing, who knows—Mafuyu’s only seen pictures of the guy and one or two videos that Akihiko very eagerly showed him, but that was just of him playing guitar on stage. Neither Akihiko nor Haruki know if Uenoyama has a decent singing voice, or if he’s even sung at all before.

They don’t need two guitarists if neither of them can sing. Uenoyama isn’t the one they need, they need someone who can sing.

“So I have an idea, and I need you to not shoot it down before I’ve laid it out there.” Mafuyu lets out a hum, prompting Akihiko to continue, which visibly surprises Akihiko. “Let’s go back to the studio. I think we need it after all this time.”

“I don’t know if I agree.”

“See, I know you _do_ ,” Akihiko says. “Haruki does, too. I think it’ll be good for us. You’ve gotten to spend six entire months being down in the dumps, and I think that’s enough.”

Mafuyu whips around, and glares at Akihiko. “First of all, I’m not ‘down in the dumps’, because he doesn’t deserve it. Second, you _don’t_ know I need to go back to the studio.”

Akihiko narrows his eyes a little, but Mafuyu still sees that trademark mischievous glint in them. “Well, then let me give you a chance to prove me wrong. Come with us to the studio, and if you don’t wanna stick around, then don’t. I’ll buy you dinner if I’m wrong, but that also means you can’t just leave because you want me to lose this bet.”

Sometimes, Akihiko can be really insufferable, persistent, and annoying. But Mafuyu can’t ever say that he dislikes Akihiko for it, because he knows Akihiko’s just looking out for his friends and wants their best. Mafuyu, however, still won’t admit to Akihiko that he’s right. Yes, Mafuyu might want to get back to playing his guitar, but he hasn’t had the right kind of motivation yet. Maybe Akihiko’s sensed it and is trying to provide him with that motivation, Mafuyu isn’t entirely sure but has a suspicion that it might be the case.

“Fine,” he mutters, mostly so Akihiko can shut up about this and they can get back to work.

In the beginning when they weren’t regularly meeting up at the studio, it felt strange, like something was missing. As time went on, Mafuyu slowly got rid of that odd feeling, and instead, it was replaced by something else, something that almost felt like guilt. Maybe that was it. It felt like they were neglecting not only their band practice, but just… _themselves_ , and if that isn’t a metaphor for life that Mafuyu won’t acknowledge, he doesn’t know what is.

He knows Akihiko’s probably right, that they might need this to kick their asses back into gear. They’ll always be musicians at heart, and musicians need an outlet for their art just like other artists do. The fact that Mafuyu’s fingers are no longer callused says enough about how much he needs to get back into guitar playing; he’s not even sure he remembers _how_ to play at this point. The more Mafuyu thinks about it, the more Akihiko’s statement makes sense.

Sure, it can’t hurt to try.

Haruki pretends like nothing’s out of the ordinary when the three of them meet up outside the studio, which Mafuyu likes. It already feels strange being there, and he knows that he’s way closer to heading back home than sticking around the studio, so any and all attempts made to make it feel like it’s not a big deal are appreciated. There’s a big difference since they were last here spelled out with a first name neither of them have dared to say in six months. Well, it isn’t as if Mafuyu doesn’t dare say Yuki’s name, but he knows the others are mindful of mentioning Yuki at all because of what happened.

But as Mafuyu steps inside the studio, it almost feels like coming _home_. The studio they’ve rented for years now is a place they could all come to and feel like themselves, let go of anything that didn’t belong in the studio, and just do what they all love. Play music. It’s like a different world from what they experience once they exit the studio again, almost as if they exist in a different space. Coming back to it and almost immediately getting those feelings again makes Mafuyu feel almost overwhelmed. It feels nice, though.

“So I’ve been working on a little piece,” Haruki says. “It’s not a lot right now, obviously with just my bass, would you guys listen to it and maybe build onto it?”

“Wait, you have?” Akihiko asks. “I didn’t know you’d been keeping at it.”

Haruki shrugs. “Even I get bored at home sometimes. So?”

Akihiko and Mafuyu agree, after which Haruki begins strumming and plucking away at his bass. Indeed, it is just the bass line, but as he listens and focuses on the rhythm and bone structure of an unheard melody, Mafuyu can imagine where his guitar comes in pretty quickly, arranging a melody as he hears the rhythm of the tune Haruki has composed. It’s rare for Haruki to take the initiative in composing something, so this is a nice change.

Mafuyu has always admired Haruki’s skilful bass playing, never having been able to understand how to play it himself. Bass is an essential part of a band, and it’s a kind of responsibility Mafuyu can’t take upon himself. He’s seen and heard of bands without drummers, without a guitar, even—but almost never bands that don’t feature a bass player. They’re the heart of the band, and along with drums, they truly do make up the rhythm section that Mafuyu has never been a part of, but is eternally grateful for having in The Seasons.

Singers and guitarists can be easily replaced and even omitted, but drummers and bassists are essential.

When Haruki plays through the piece again, Mafuyu and Akihiko join in on improvising their own parts. It slowly turns into something that sounds like a song that resonates with Mafuyu in a way he’s refused to acknowledge for half a year now, and he knows it’ll still take a while. He knows exactly the type of lyrics that would go here, but alas, they’re now a band without a singer, so for now, the piece will stay instrumental.

“Wasn’t that great?!”

“Ooh, Haruki is excited,” Akihiko singsongs teasingly, prompting Haruki to jab a finger in his side. “What, _aren’t_ you?”

“I like it,” Mafuyu says. “It was fun to play along to.”

“Maybe it’s not the most happy-go-lucky thing we’ve made, but I like it a lot more now with your accompaniment,” Haruki continues. “And hey, maybe one day we could get some lyrics together for it.”

“But who’s gonna sing?”

Haruki hums pensively. “If we get a new member—”

“Like Uenoyama?”

“—then maybe they could do it. I don’t know, have you even heard him sing? I haven’t.”

“No,” Akihiko says. “He’s just a guitarist. But who knows, maybe he’s got some surprisingly sweet pipes on him.”

Mafuyu lowers his eyebrows, looking down at his guitar. Aren’t all three of them supposed to equally decide things? Why does it feel like both Haruki and Akihiko have already decided they’re going to bring this Uenoyama guy into the band? Mafuyu hasn’t looked up Uenoyama yet, mostly because he’s not even sure he wants to get someone else into the band yet to begin with. But who’s even to say Uenoyama’s looking to get into another band? What if he’s already in one?

There’s really no point in overthinking it if Mafuyu’s not even entirely in on the idea, so he decides on stowing those thoughts into the back of his mind instead, focusing on what’s in front of him instead of what could be. Akihiko was right, it _was_ nice to come back to the studio and re-establish more of a routine rather than just work-sleep-eat. This also ensures he gets a little bit more of a social life than the little he gets at work and afterwards… every once in a while.

So they get back to the studio again the same week, and then it continues. Slowly but surely, they get the song together that Haruki wrote the bare-bones of, and it sounds great. A little moody and bitter, maybe, but it’s also very different from what they’ve done before… when they still had Yuki in the band. Now they’re trying to rebuild themselves, and maybe even rebrand as something else. It’s a little exciting, strangely, and it makes Mafuyu want them to succeed and go further than The Liberated, just to prove to Yuki that he made the wrong choice.

Slowly but surely, Mafuyu’s fingers start getting calluses again. It hurts a lot getting back to it, but it’ll all be worth it in the end. And this time, Mafuyu won’t neglect his guitar for longer periods of time again like he did these past six months. Not only because it’s a pain getting his fingers re-callused, but Mafuyu knows it’s a good way for him to sort out his thoughts and get into a better mood.

Whenever he plays the guitar at home, he finds himself humming along or even singing if it’s an old song of theirs, one that Yuki used to sing. Just because Yuki isn’t in The Seasons anymore doesn’t mean Mafuyu can’t appreciate the songs for how good they are. Yuki wasn’t recognised by The Liberated for nothing—they saw his talent, and wanted it for themselves. Mafuyu can only hope that they find someone who can at least help them surpass that skill one day.

“Ha, you’ve got blisters. Cute.”

“Akihiko…” comes the warning tone of Haruki. Mafuyu just rolls his eyes in response.

Akihiko huffs, and then smiles. “Kinda reminds me of when you first joined, and how you’d complained about how much it hurt.”

“It _still_ hurts.”

“That’s part of being a musician.”

Haruki laughs, and he shakes his head. “That’s surprisingly poetic, coming from you.”

“I’ve got my mo… ments. Hm.” Akihiko pauses as he fishes his phone out of his pocket. He hums to himself, and then looks up. “I’ll be right back.”

Mafuyu raises his eyebrows, curious and confused, but he doesn’t press for details. It’s probably Ugetsu dropping something off that Aki may have forgotten in his move. Mafuyu doesn’t know how much Akihiko has stayed in touch with Ugetsu since moving out, though he assumes it isn’t anywhere near frequent.

Haruki and Mafuyu go ahead and tune their instruments while waiting for Akihiko. For that little moment, it’s comfortably silent aside from the plucking of the bass and electric guitars, and it’s nice. It’s like the calm before the storm except the storm is a musical performance, or most of the time, a jam. And it’s a lot more pleasant than a storm, that’s for sure. Mafuyu’s fingers may still hurt a little from his blisters, but he can power through it. The skin on the pads of his fingertips will soon callus again, and he’ll be able to play like he used to.

“Sorry for the wait,” Akihiko says as he re-enters the studio. Behind him enters a man Mafuyu doesn’t recognise as Ugetsu. On the other hand, Mafuyu doesn’t see a reason for Akihiko to bring Ugetsu to the studio, especially now that they’ve broken up and Akihiko’s moved out.

“Thanks for having me,” says the stranger. He bows his head lightly, and Mafuyu notes the guitar case he’s carrying on his back. “I’m Ritsuka Uenoyama. I’m here to… uh, watch your session today.”


	3. somebody new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Ritsuka's come to watch The Seasons in the studio, Akihiko continues on his mission. Mafuyu isn't too happy about the very sudden development, and the inclusion of Ritsuka makes Mafuyu start to doubt himself and his role in The Seasons. Akihiko, however, is there to put a stop to his doubts. The band later decides on a new name to further distance themselves from what they once were, now that they're rebranding.

> _With my eyes to the south  
>  And my brain up in space  
> With my nervous looks around  
> I'm a step out a sync_
> 
> _Don't wanna ever wake up  
>  Don't wanna ever wake up,  
>  **I don't wanna ever wake up  
>  Next to somebody new  
>   
> **_ _\- Joywave_

Mafuyu’s eyes widen, and he clenches his teeth. He’s just about to explode when he thinks better of it; Uenoyama most definitely doesn’t know his opinion on this entire thing, so Mafuyu shouldn’t be rude to the guy when they’ve barely even met. At the same time, Mafuyu can’t help but feel betrayed when he’d specifically said to both Haruki and Akihiko that he doesn’t want them to start finding a new member so soon. It almost feels desperate, as if they’re in such a bind after Yuki left that they can’t stand on their own feet.

Because there’s no way Uenoyama’s just here to watch them jam today. That may be the beginning of it, but Mafuyu knows that at least Akihiko wants Uenoyama to join The Seasons. Haruki probably does, too, if Akihiko wants it to happen.

He realises, thankfully quickly, that he’s just staring with his mouth halfway agape, and swiftly corrects his facial expression to one that shows less of his surprise and slight offence.

“I’m Mafuyu,” he says as stiffly as humanly possible without even meaning to—what a talent. “Nice to meet you.”

“And I’m Haruki. Great to finally meet you!”

Uenoyama lowers his eyebrows slightly, though he doesn’t look upset or anything. Maybe confused, or… embarrassed? He’s difficult to read, Mafuyu finds. “Yeah. You… you, too. I hope it’s not a problem that I’m here today.”

Haruki, of course, grins widely, and he shakes his head. “Not at all! Feel free to get comfortable while we set up. Akihiko, Mafuyu, do you have any requests on what to play?”

Mafuyu just keeps his mouth shut and hopes Akihiko responds. Meanwhile, he finishes up his tuning and tries his best to ignore the fact that they have an audience in the studio today. It’s very different from having an audience at a music bar or something like that—this is their studio, it’s more personal and private. And there’s a guy here who Mafuyu has never even heard of before… to his knowledge, that is. He might have, but it isn’t anything he can recall at the moment. If Uenoyama is as famous as Mafuyu’s bandmates keep claiming, then Mafuyu may as well have heard or seen the guy somewhere at some point.

Akihiko suggests they play an old song that actually has lyrics, but thankfully, no one mentions that fact. Hopefully Uenoyama won’t notice that it sounds like something’s missing. Maybe he hasn’t even heard of The Seasons before… that’d definitely help, because that means that anything they play now is going to be completely new to Uenoyama. Which obviously minimises the risk of them getting a question about why a song they’re playing isn’t being sung. Or worse, if Uenoyama would ask where their vocalist even is to begin with.

Instead of focusing on their—to Mafuyu—unexpected guest, Mafuyu focuses on the sound of Akihiko’s drumsticks doing the countdown and setting the tempo, and then they’re off. Mafuyu looks up at Haruki who looks back at him, and they synchronise as well as they usually do. Akihiko is able to adjust to them almost scarily well, but maybe that’s to be expected of someone who’s proficient with more than just the one instrument. It’s a skill Mafuyu wishes he’d dedicated more time to developing, and though it technically isn’t too late to do that, still, he’s a little intimidated by the learning curve it entails.

In the corner of his eye, Mafuyu catches a glimpse of Uenoyama watching them, and it comes as a surprise, seeing Uenoyama looking that captivated by their performance. It isn’t as if Mafuyu thinks they’re bad by any means, but he has absolutely no idea of what standards Uenoyama has. Considering the fact that he seems to be somewhat of a big-shot in the music scene around these parts, his standards would probably be set high. Which is why it’s a nice surprise seeing someone react this way to a musical performance.

The thing is, though, that Uenoyama says absolutely nothing following The Seasons’ little jam. One might say that he’s at a loss for words and that it should be taken as a good thing, but Mafuyu can’t be too sure. Again, Uenoyama is difficult to read, and he’s likely been in the music scene for a while—definitely a lot longer than Mafuyu has. He doesn’t want to admit that they’re waiting on bated breath for Uenoyama’s reaction… but they sort of are. Mafuyu pretends to be busy adjusting the strings of his guitar as he and the others just stand there like a trio of idiots.

“I… wow. I don’t know what to say, but I… I loved it,” Uenoyama finally says after half of an agonising eternity. “I’m glad I got to listen to you play.”

“Did it perhaps reignite your passion for music?” Akihiko asks in an almost teasing tone that confuses Mafuyu. Were they friends earlier, is this a detail that went over Mafuyu’s head? It certainly sounds like it.

Uenoyama blinks slowly, dumbly, and he nods once. “Yeah. I… think I wanna get back into music.”

Something about what Uenoyama says resonates with Mafuyu. He casts a quick glance Uenoyama’s way, seeing him still look shocked by the performance he’d just witnessed, having just heard the way Uenoyama said he’s regaining his passion for music. Mafuyu recognises himself in it from not that long ago, and it’s a strange feeling. Even talented musicians like Uenoyama can lose their passion for music, but it’s also possible for them to get it back. Even if it’s through something as simple as watching and listening to someone playing their instrument.

Well, that’s probably one of the many things that make music what it is.

“That’s great to hear!” Haruki replies, and he’s almost immediately interrupted by Akihiko.

“Join our band, Uenoyama.”

Uenoyama does a double-take, staring wide-eyed at Akihiko. “What?”

“Join us. I don’t know if you’re already in a band, but if you are… well, please consider it, at least. We’d all be glad to have you. Right?”

“Yeah!” Haruki says, and Mafuyu swallows hard. It’s obvious that Uenoyama is talented, but what the hell are they going to do with _two_ guitarists? Mafuyu doesn’t understand why they’re even looking in the direction of Uenoyama since they’ve already got Mafuyu aboard. And as far as he himself knows, Mafuyu hasn’t heard anything about possibly getting kicked from the band, so it doesn’t make sense.

To be fair, though, both Mafuyu and Yuki played the guitar, but then Yuki also sang. Mafuyu still hasn’t heard anything about Uenoyama being a singer, or if he’s even a _capable_ singer. He doesn’t look the type, but Mafuyu won’t judge him beforehand on that.

At the same time… maybe this _is_ the change they need. Mafuyu thinks that maybe he should try and trust his fellow bandmembers a little more, trust their judgment in possible new members. They’ve obviously done their research on Uenoyama, and even if Mafuyu hasn’t, he could have plenty of opportunities to watch Uenoyama up close as a new member of The Seasons. And should things not work well either between Mafuyu and Uenoyama or any of the others, they always have the option to kick him out.

Just because Uenoyama joins partly without Mafuyu’s consultation and prior knowledge doesn’t mean it has to be a bad idea. Some blind dates work out, maybe this can work out, too… though it’s a very different thing but kind of shares the same principle.

“Yes,” Mafuyu says, in the end. “It would be interesting to see where we can go from here with you in our band.”

Uenoyama’s gaze flickers between the three members of The Seasons, and he wears a puzzled frown on his face. Hell, Mafuyu can’t blame the guy; he knows he’d feel cornered in a situation like this, too. Talk about putting a guy on the spot… would Uenoyama even be able to say no like this, with everyone around him like a pack of wild animals ready to attack at a moment’s notice?

“I’d be honoured,” Uenoyama says. “Really, I… I would love to.”

Akihiko hums approvingly, and while Haruki does a little cheer, Akihiko gets up from behind his drums, walking over to Uenoyama to shake his hand. It’s a strange turn of events, and all Mafuyu can do is watch in disbelief. At the same time, he’s slowly coming to terms with it all, and he _is_ becoming curious about the possibilities of having Uenoyama in The Seasons.

Mafuyu makes a mental note to try and find out if Uenoyama can sing, and then he’ll try and figure things out from there.

* * *

“I thought you were a part of a band already; it seemed kind of easy for you to just say yes and join. Not that I’m complaining, of course—I’m just curious.”

Uenoyama shrugs. “I _was_ in a band, but I left them. It was a while ago, and… well, it’s a long story.”

Across the table, Haruki nods slowly as he takes in the response. “You don’t have to talk about if you don’t want to. I hope you’ll feel right at home with us. It feels like we’ve been given another chance with music now that you’re here.”

It sounds a little cheesy, but Mafuyu won’t deny it. He remembers how he’d felt more motivated the other day, playing for the smallest audience they’ve ever had, and it seems the feeling was universal between him, Akihiko, and Haruki. They haven’t been active as a band or even regularly playing music at all in six months, but it’s miraculously starting to change now. And yes, parts of it can probably be attributed to Uenoyama watching them perform and then agreeing to join The Seasons.

They’ve gathered at a coffee shop not far away from the studio, before heading over for their first practice as a reformed band. It’s been decided for now that Uenoyama learns to play some of their old music to get the gist of what their style is… even though they, according to Mafuyu, barely even have a set style to begin with. It’s still probably a good idea, so that they don’t start clashing immediately with the new guy who might have different ideas from his previous band.

“It sure does,” Akihiko agrees. “So you’ve never seen us perform before, right?”

“No, I haven’t.”

That might be a good thing, Mafuyu thinks. He doesn’t want to think about how it had been if Uenoyama had watched them before, obviously knowing that they used to have another member in the band before. With Uenoyama’s limited knowledge of The Seasons, he has no idea of whether they’ve ever had a singer or not, which is a relief. Mafuyu doesn’t want to think about having to explain all of that from the beginning—it’s probably something he’d leave to any of the others, in that case. Uenoyama’s lack of knowledge of The Seasons’ history gives them a blank canvas to work with, and it’s a whole lot easier than trying to redefine something that already existed without messing things up along the way.

“Well, that doesn’t matter. We’re all musicians, we know how to adapt.”

Mafuyu looks over at Akihiko following that rather cryptic response, and then he exchanges a puzzled glance with Haruki. Well, at least he wasn’t alone in wondering what that was about.

“I… have to ask, and I’m sorry if this is sudden,” Mafuyu begins. “Do you sing, or have you ever been a singer?”

This time, he’s the one Akihiko and Haruki look at with confused expressions. Uenoyama looks a different kind of surprised, but that’s only to be expected, especially since Mafuyu hasn’t said much to his new band member yet.

“I don’t think I can sing,” Uenoyama says with a little laugh. “I’ve never tried, but I don’t think I could. Sorry.”

Well, so much for the singer position, then. That means they’re going to be two guitarists, after all. Mafuyu withholds a sigh of disappointment.

“It’s fine, I was just asking out of curiosity. It’d just be nice to… have a singer, is all.”

He doesn’t miss the way Akihiko looks at him, but Mafuyu doesn’t look back.

Uenoyama picks up rather quickly, as should probably be expected from an experienced musician, and while Mafuyu can hear how much Uenoyama could put his own spin on things, he’s definitely holding back. Maybe it’s just until he starts feeling comfortable changing things up a little. It’ll be interesting to see how their dynamic as a band changes with someone new, especially someone who’s completely new to Mafuyu who hadn’t even heard of Uenoyama up until just a week ago or so. It’s indeed a strange turn of events, but so far, it looks like a promising change.

“I think this is a good time for a break,” Akihiko says. “Haruki, you coming? I need a smoke.”

Haruki nods, and gets up off his chair. “Sure. Hey, why don’t we all go out for a beer after this? I feel like we have a few things to discuss regarding the band now that we’re four ag—now that we’re four members.”

Mafuyu lifts his head. He’s surprised by how much those words stung; he thought he’d mostly gotten over all of that by now. Apparently that’s not the case. “Good idea; I’m for it.”

“Yeah,” Uenoyama chimes in. “Sounds good.”

Haruki gives Mafuyu a look that he can only interpret as vaguely apologetic. Mafuyu raises his eyebrows slightly at Haruki before he and Akihiko disappear out the door, closing it behind them. Left behind in an increasingly uncomfortable silence are Uenoyama and Mafuyu who honestly haven’t had a lot of opportunities to talk yet. Mafuyu feels a little bad, considering Uenoyama is part of The Seasons now. Maybe he should at least make an effort to make Uenoyama feel welcome by him, too.

“How’s it feel so far? Being in this band, I mean,” he tries.

Uenoyama hums, idly strumming his guitar. Mafuyu likes the sound of it acting almost like ambience; Uenoyama is _really_ good at playing the guitar, even if it’s just like this. “I’m happy to have joined. I got a good first impression.”

“That’s good. We’re glad to have you. Especially Akihiko, I suppose.”

“That so? Why Kaji?”

Mafuyu rolls his eyes, smiling. “He kept talking about you way before you came to watch us perform. How he’d looked up your stuff on YouTube and all sorts of things.”

“Oh. Most of that’s old by now,” Uenoyama replies, and he shudders, surprisingly. “I’m not social media savvy, but I should probably upload more recent things to my YouTube. Twitter, too, probably.”

Mafuyu laughs a little. The uncomfortable feeling from earlier has entirely disappeared, and he didn’t even notice when or how it did. “Haruki uploads both videos and photos to our social media accounts. Since you’re a part of The Seasons now, that’ll help put some of your more recent stuff online, won’t it?”

Uenoyama nods. “Indeed. I think it’d sound better in a band, too, not just me plucking away at a guitar by myself like some sort of loser.”

“I wouldn’t say it makes you look like a loser. You’re… really good, you know. Helps keep away that ‘loser’ status.”

“Ha ha. Thanks, Satou, I appreciate that. I hope I can make a good contribution to The Seasons.”

Mafuyu blows a raspberry. “You really don’t have to be so formal. I think we’re the same age, even.”

“You’re twenty-two?”

“Turned twenty-three in February.”

Uenoyama hums. “But you were still right. I turn twenty-three in August.”

“I could’ve almost guessed the month given your name,” Mafuyu laughs. “Funny that.”

It’s interesting how they’ve managed to keep up with the theme of all four members of The Seasons having names containing characters for a season. Now, though, instead of having two members where their names correspond with winter, they’ve got a new member whose name represents that one season they’ve never represented in the band, completing the ‘set’.

In a way, their band name makes a whole lot more sense now than it did before, but in a way, Mafuyu feels like maybe it’s about time they _change_ the band name. ‘The Seasons’ reminds Mafuyu of a time when Yuki was a part of it, and now that he isn’t, the band name doesn’t fit them anymore. It’s also associated with bitter feelings mostly from Mafuyu but definitely Akihiko, too, so Akihiko might appreciate a name change, as well.

“Does the theme continue for the others?”

“Not for Haruki, no. His birthday is coming up in two weeks. Akihiko’s birthday is in October.”

Uenoyama raises his eyebrows in surprise. “I see. That’s probably why you chose ‘The Seasons’, then.”

Mafuyu almost says too much, but stops himself in the last second. Since he was invited to join the band _after_ it was formed and named, Mafuyu never had a say in what the name would be. He’s still glad the other three picked something as normal as ‘The Seasons’—the name of Haruki’s friend Yatake’s band was completely based on what they were eating when they were discussing their band’s new name, and that’s why they ended up calling themselves ‘Roast Pork Boys’. Which apparently isn’t too uncommon among bands with limited to no imagination whatsoever.

… But yes, ‘The Seasons’ is an infinitely better choice.

“Yeah, it was.”

Akihiko and Haruki return from their smoke break, and practice continues for a little while longer until they call it a day. The blisters on Mafuyu’s fingers have finally disappeared, and his calluses have started to return. It’s just nice being able to play like he used to, without the pain and blisters, and with the experience of guitar playing that came back in the blink of an eye.

They take the train a few stops to an izakaya that Haruki recommends. Mafuyu hasn’t been, and it seems Uenoyama hasn’t, either. Mafuyu was never really the type to go out to bars and such until he met Akihiko, Yuki, and Haruki, but even then, he doesn’t go out to drink as often as his bandmates do. That, however, seems to be changing, especially now that they’ve restarted their band and have recruited Uenoyama. Mafuyu doesn’t mind; he obviously likes his bandmates enough to hang out with them even outside of gigs and the studio.

“Hey, Mafuyu,” Akihiko says in a low voice next to Mafuyu. They’re walking a little bit behind Haruki and Uenoyama, and it’s mildly amusing to watch Haruki excitedly talk and ask Uenoyama questions while Uenoyama himself seems almost overwhelmed by the energy hurled at him.

“Hm?”

“Are you sure you’re okay with Uenoyama joining The Seasons?”

The question is so unexpected that Mafuyu stops walking, and Akihiko does the same. Thankfully, Haruki and Uenoyama didn’t notice, and they’re still walking far ahead of the others.

“What?”

“You haven’t been all that happy since he joined. And also… I mean, that whole singer thing? Asking him if he’s a singer and all that. What was that about?”

Mafuyu chews on the inside of his cheek. “Well, we don’t have a singer anymore, do we? I just wanted to know if he could fill that position. That’s all.”

“Okay,” Akihiko says, but he definitely doesn’t sound convinced. “But you still didn’t answer my first question. Do you want him in the band or not?”

Mafuyu doesn’t know if he could ever verbalise his honest opinion without it coming out as rude or plain strange. The gist of it is that he feels conflicted—having a new member in the band is nice, and it’s certainly helped to lift everyone’s spirits as well as revitalise The Seasons, finally. But at the same time, they’re now two guitarists in the same band, but neither of the guitarists can sing. Obviously, Uenoyama is the better guitarist, so where does that leave Mafuyu? Does he have the skill to have any right to sticking around?

“I’m glad he joined,” Mafuyu begins, carefully choosing his words. “But now I… I mean, I’m redundant, aren’t I? We don’t need two guitarists.”

Akihiko narrows his eyes. “Why does it automatically mean that _you’re_ redundant?”

“Because he’s obviously better than I am. He’s got more experience, he’s good at adapting, he’s—”

“Okay, before you even finish that sentence,” Akihiko interrupts, “I’m just gonna say that you’re definitely not fucking redundant, Mafuyu. We wouldn’t be The Seasons without you, whether Uenoyama’s in the band or not. So what if we’ve got two guitarists? You’re not the same person, you definitely don’t have the same playing style. That doesn’t _matter_.”

“Are you two okay back there?” Haruki calls over his shoulder, but thankfully, he and Uenoyama don’t stop walking. Mafuyu is too shocked by the interruption that he can’t come up with a quick response, but thankfully, Akihiko is.

“Mafuyu thinks that the last season of ‘ _Game of Thrones_ ’ was good.”

Haruki lets out a dry, sarcastic laugh. “Ah. Well, carry on—let him know why he’s wrong.”

Sometimes, Mafuyu wonders if Haruki really _is_ as gullible as he makes himself look in situations like these. He appreciates it in this case, though, because they definitely don’t need to attract attention to themselves now that they’re indirectly arguing about the newest member of the band, conveniently walking a little bit ahead of them.

Mafuyu lowers his eyebrows and keeps his eyes trained at the ground beneath his feet as they continue walking, Haruki and Uenoyama returning to their own deep-talk. “… It doesn’t matter, you say. So?”

“What do you mean, ‘so’? There are many bands out there that have more than just the one guitarist, you know. Metallica and The Rolling Stones have two guitarists each, Oasis had two, Radiohead has _three_ if you count Thom Yorke. It doesn’t matter, Mafuyu. You _are_ important even with a second guitarist in the band. Okay?”

Maybe Mafuyu shouldn’t have picked Akihiko to argue with, because he knows that he won’t win most of the time. He won’t deny it: it’s sort of nice hearing someone put forward reasons as to why he’s valuable to his band when Mafuyu himself has suddenly started to doubt his importance among his fellow band members.

He sighs quietly. They’re almost outside the izakaya now, and Haruki and Uenoyama have finally started to slow down so they can catch up. “If you say so,” he says, and Akihiko hums while nodding determinedly.

“I do say so. Now let’s go in and have some beer and fried chicken—we deserve it.”

Mafuyu smiles a little, and he exhales slowly. He has good friends around him, and it’s nice to be reminded of that every once in a while. “Thanks.”

“Sure.”

The izakaya seems like a good place for them to hang out at after practice in the future; it doesn’t seem too popular and therefore isn’t very crowded when The Seasons take a table near the back for themselves. Almost immediately upon sitting down, Haruki pulls out a little notebook and an ink pen out of his bass guitar case.

“Here’s a suggestion. We should change our band name.”

Mafuyu had a hunch this was coming, and honestly, he’s been thinking the same thing since Uenoyama joined, so Haruki’s idea doesn’t come as a surprise to him. It seems to be a surprise to both Uenoyama and Akihiko, though.

“What? Why?”

“Well, we’re sort of rebranding now, aren’t we? Uenoyama’s with us, and… well, I just think we have reasons to change things up a bit. Don’t you?”

Akihiko furrows his eyebrows in contemplation briefly. “Well, I guess you’re right. Do you have any ideas, then?”

Haruki sighs. “I shouldn’t have to carry the entire band on my back, Akihiko. You three should help out, too.”

“Sometimes I feel like you _do_ carry us on your back. Figuratively.”

“Thanks,” Haruki says with a snort. “So, let’s brainstorm for a bit. Any words that come to mind that we could put to use?”

Mafuyu hasn’t done something like this before, so he ends up mostly sitting there and listening to what the others are saying. Haruki and Akihiko were around to form The Seasons alongside Yuki once upon a time, and Uenoyama’s obviously been in other bands before, so all three of them have experience coming up with names for their bands. Mafuyu just doesn’t know where to start, what kind of theme to go for.

Obviously, some people are more creative than others—some choose food as inspiration for their band names. So anything probably goes, but at the same time, Mafuyu wants their band name to _mean_ something. It shouldn’t be too long, but it should be something people will easily remember and recognise. Something unique, which ‘The Seasons’ definitely isn’t. Mafuyu can probably count on all of his ten fingers the amount of bands he’s seen where their names are some variation of ‘The Seasons’, or at least something that has ‘season’ in the name.

“I’m guessing ‘Four Seasons’ is immediately out of the question, huh,” Akihiko says, and Haruki lets out a dry laugh.

“I didn’t mean for us to tweak our existing name. Throw it all out. In with something new. How about something in a different language? I took French for a year in high school… I could come up with something in French?”

Akihiko makes a face. “I wouldn’t wanna try to pronounce something in French. It’d be difficult if our main demographic is Japanese.”

Mafuyu nods. “I don’t think that would work, either. Even if we were to go international, it might still look strange if a Japanese band has a name in French.”

“Like we just picked something cool we saw on a cereal box once,” Haruki laughs. “Fine, let’s do something else.”

It’s a lot more difficult than one could expect. Since they have the freedom to pick just about anything they want—unless it’s in a foreign language and hard to pronounce like French—it gives them far too many options. It’s a little overwhelming, and even though they come up with ideas every once in a while during their discussion, said idea is usually shot down pretty quickly once they think things through together and try to see how the piece would fit in the puzzle.

“… how about ‘Given’?”

Mafuyu looks up, and so do both Akihiko and Haruki, all three pairs of eyes directed at Uenoyama. When the attention is all his, Uenoyama clears his throat, avoiding to meet anyone’s gaze.

“That sounds good,” Akihiko replies. “What made you think of it?”

“Well, I mean… it feels like I was given a new chance at music when you asked me to join. And… yeah. It felt like it was an opportunity given to all of us, in a way?”

Haruki gasps quietly. “You’re right. I know I wasn’t the only one who got a little burnt out on the idea of performing music for a while there.”

Mafuyu can definitely relate, having neglected his guitar for over six months until Uenoyama was brought into their lives and into the band. It feels like it was a change that affected not only Uenoyama who got the chance to join a new band, but also for the members of The Seasons who had all just about given up on music altogether.

… It makes too much sense. _This_ is what it feels like when a jigsaw falls into place.

“I like it,” Akihiko says. “I _really_ like it. It feels like it fits us. Plus, it actually means something.”

Haruki claps his hands together excitedly. “I like it, too. Mafuyu?”

“Yeah, I think we should go with that. I like how it’s short, too.”

“Then that’s decided!” Haruki cheers. “Good thing we got that out of the way. I’m hungry—who wants to split an okonomiyaki with me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... snuck in a Radiohead song title near the end just because I felt like it and because I just _may_ like the band & their music. Just a little. They're okay. (Spoilers: a future chapter is named after a Radiohead song. Yeah, I like them a little bit.)


	4. looking for revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mafuyu and Haruki talk about Yuki, and their first piece following the band's rebranding as Given comes to life. Haruki turns a year older, has a change in his relationship with Akihiko, and Mafuyu has an unexpected reunion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the Given movie came out on Crunchyroll last night (4 AM for me... _wheeze_ ). I'm still a bit of a mess after watching it twice. Yes, twice. Couldn't help myself. Anyway! That's why I decided to post a chapter today, to sorta celebrate the release of the Given movie outside of Japan. Woo!

> _Two souls both looking for a crush  
>  And I'm feeling paranoid  
> Everybody's asking for too much  
> I don't got the time  
>  **While I'm looking for revenge**  
>  I shouldn't be so cynical  
> Trying to make an effort for the other men  
>   
> _ _\- Colin Caulfield_

Though almost eight months have passed since Yuki left, Mafuyu still thinks about him every now and then. It’s annoying: Yuki appears in dreams, even nightmares, and his image flashes across Mafuyu’s retinas when he least expects it. Most of the time, it’s connected to music. Everything is. Mafuyu wants to turn all of that around, wants to make music feel entirely like fun again. It’s finally started to feel that way ever since Uenoyama joined them, since they scratched out The Seasons and replaced everything reminiscent of that old band name with Given instead. But there are still days when Mafuyu feels the traces of Yuki around him, around them, and he longs for the day when Yuki is just another name to him.

Mafuyu still misses Yuki. Even if their relationship wasn’t perfect, Mafuyu was still happy for the most part, and it obviously hurt when Yuki decided to put himself first to chase his dreams in Tokyo. Feelings don’t disappear that quickly even in the most extreme circumstances surrounding a breakup, be it a band going their separate ways, friends becoming acquaintances or even enemies, or lovers becoming exes.

Some days, Mafuyu is tempted to call Yuki again, just to hear his voice, and in rare cases, Mafuyu has found himself wanting to go see Yuki. It’s definitely not impossible—they do still live in the same country, after all, and god knows they didn’t tie up all loose ends when they went their separate ways. In fact, _nothing_ was resolved, and Mafuyu is starting to realise that he might have to see Yuki again and talk things out in order to be able to move on. Who knows, maybe Yuki has tried to get in touch in order for them to do this. Mafuyu obviously wouldn’t know since he still has Yuki’s number blocked in his phone.

Saeko hasn’t tried to get in touch with him since that day she came to his apartment, and Mafuyu both feels guilty and relieved over that fact. Saeko has nothing to do with it, but since she’s unfortunately connected to Yuki in the closest way possible, Mafuyu doesn’t want to be around her more than is necessary. She had sent over a cardboard box with some of Mafuyu’s belongings that he’d left at Yuki’s, but other than that, she hasn’t called or sent him any messages.

It’s for the best, really, because Mafuyu wants to leave all of that behind him. That, however, isn’t possible since his band members still bring up Yuki with him every now and then—especially Haruki. Of course, Haruki still feels bad for what happened, for essentially having a vital role in the demise of Mafuyu’s and Yuki’s relationship. Mafuyu has at least come to realise that what he had with Yuki wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, knowing that they’re both better off now. Mafuyu’s individual growth was partially hampered since he was so dependant on Yuki back then, and now, he’s able to be his own person more than he ever could before.

That isn’t to say that Yuki was the only bad person in their relationship by any means. Mafuyu knows he didn’t really do much to improve things on his own, either, and he also knows that he probably hindered Yuki from growing as a person, as well. Maybe that’s what happens when two people get together at a young age, so quickly and without properly getting to know each other before taking things to a new level. It takes two to tango, and he’s well aware that it takes two people to let things go the way they did for him and Yuki.

Mafuyu wonders if things would have gone differently had he never joined The Seasons. He wouldn’t have gotten as good at playing the guitar, that’s for sure, but that’s just one of the many things that would have been different. It’s the one thing he knows for certain would have stayed the same had he remained outside of it all. Even though he’s now learnt and realised many things about that relationship, he still can’t say for sure if his involvement with the band really would have affected anything.

“I know you don’t like to talk about him, but I want to. So I hope you can at least bear with me.”

Mafuyu shrugs. “He’s your friend. You’re allowed to talk about him as much as you want.”

Haruki smiles a little. “Well, yeah—he is. You still don’t wanna tell Ue about him?”

“I don’t know why he should know. It’s irrelevant to him and the band in general.”

“Sure, you’re right about that. But he’s not dumb, I know he senses that something isn’t what it used to be, even before he joined.”

Getting up from the bench, Mafuyu discards his empty can in the bin next to them. He sits down next to Haruki again, and he looks down at the ground, lowering his eyebrows. “I know he’s not dumb, Haruki.”

“It just feels wrong to censor ourselves around him, you know? Not being able to mention Yuki—”

“Are you saying _I’m_ forcing you to do that?”

Haruki shakes his head. “That’s not what I’m saying, no. But of course we’re mindful of you, Mafuyu. And… well, most of it isn’t really mine or Akihiko’s story to tell Ue, anyway. So of course we’ll subconsciously end up not getting close to that topic. But I think you should tell him or it might get weird.”

It isn’t as if Haruki isn’t right, but that doesn’t make it easier for Mafuyu to straight up tell Uenoyama about what made them look for a new member in the first place. There’s plenty of bands out there with just three members; as far as Mafuyu knows, Yuki himself joined a band that only consisted of two members making The Liberated three now. They probably have a story behind only having been two up until they recruited Yuki—it wouldn’t come as a surprise if that was the case. But everyone’s circumstances are different, and Mafuyu doesn’t find it easy to talk about his.

Mafuyu wonders if maybe it’s about time he sorted things out so he can actually start a new chapter of his life. He can try to get in touch with Yuki so they can talk things out, but if Yuki doesn’t want to, at least Mafuyu will know he’s tried. He’s got nothing to lose now that he’s already lost what was once important to him, so it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

* * *

The first complete non-vocal piece of music that comes together by Given is written by Haruki. It has hints of pop in it but its roots are still in the alternative rock genre that The Seasons made themselves known for. Despite Mafuyu’s initial hesitance regarding having two guitarists but no vocalist, this piece of music is already starting to wash away that doubt of his. Haruki made sure to write both of them into the piece in a way that lets them both be heard with the rhythm section still being very much audible, too. After all, they wouldn’t be what they are without their drummer and bassist, but they’re only complete with a guitar, or in this case two.

There still aren’t any plans on doing a live performance, but Mafuyu thinks that it’s okay. For now, he wants them to focus on learning to work seamlessly together in their music with their latest member who’s no longer considered ‘new’ but the _newest_. As Haruki likes to claim as his motto, music is all about communication, and it’s important for them to work on said communication when performing. It does improve the more they get to know Uenoyama both in the studio with instruments at hand, but also outside of the studio when they’re just hanging out.

In the middle of July, Mafuyu is summoned to Akihiko’s new apartment where he and Akihiko prepare for Haruki’s birthday celebration. It’s been decided that Uenoyama meets up with Haruki in an absolutely inconspicuous way, bringing Haruki to Akihiko’s where the surprise get-together will then take place. It isn’t anything big since they know Haruki doesn’t care for birthday parties, but they still wanted to do _something_ , so it’s just going to be delivery pizza, beer, and hopefully okay company.

[ **Uenoyama, Ritsuka** : _got haruki. heading over now._ ]

Mafuyu snorts at the message he receives from Uenoyama. It looks like an undercover mission, almost, and he finds it hilarious how Uenoyama’s so willing to play along to the extent he does.

“They’re on their way,” he calls out to Akihiko who’s in the kitchen.

“’Kay. Do you know where they are?”

“Sounded like they just met up at the station, so I’m guessing they’ll be here in five.”

Akihiko hums in response, and Mafuyu retreats to the living room to flop down on the couch and wait for the rest of their band to arrive. It’s a good thing they have a rule not to get each other gifts, because Mafuyu is terrible at that sort of thing, and always has been, at least according to Yuki. Mafuyu defends himself by saying that it’s the thought that counts… which is true for the most part.

It _does_ take about five minutes, and then Uenoyama enters Akihiko’s apartment with Haruki in tow, who gets the traditional aluminium pie pan full of whipped cream shoved in his face upon arrival. It’s a shame, because he’d been at his friend Hanaoka’s hair salon right before this getting his hair all prettied up, only for it to have to be undone so soon. Mafuyu hopes Akihiko’s aim gets better as time goes on so that he can at least spare Haruki’s hair if this continues.

“I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming even though you did the same thing last year,” Haruki says with a sigh as he emerges from the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel.

“It’s tradition,” Akihiko proclaims almost proudly. “Sorry about the hair, though.”

Haruki lets out a _psh_. “Hanaoka worked hard on that hairdo, you know.”

“Have you always had long hair?” Uenoyama asks.

Haruki’s eyes widen for a very short moment, and he laughs awkwardly. Mafuyu glances at him quickly, but then turns his attention back to Akihiko and Uenoyama.

“Uh, well… for a while? I get it trimmed every now and then, but… I’ve kept it long for a few years.”

“Ah, okay. I’d love to see what you looked like with shorter hair.”

“Oh, I can help with that,” Akihiko says, and he fishes out his phone. “See, he didn’t have long hair when we first met at university, so I have a few—”

“Don’t you _dare_ ,” Haruki almost growls threateningly. “They don’t need to see that.”

What follows is a Haruki chasing Akihiko through the apartment while Akihiko laughs, navigating through his phone as he jogs around the limited space he lives in. All Mafuyu and Uenoyama can do is watch the scene unfold before them, and Mafuyu shakes his head.

“Better get used to this, Uenoyama,” he says. “This sort of stuff happens more than you’d think.”

“You know, I had a feeling.”

Pizza arrives, and the group spend the evening playing card games and telling stories, mostly about previous bands they’ve been in. Mafuyu obviously can’t contribute with much since the only one he’s been in is The Seasons, and things haven’t changed a whole lot since they became Given except for the fact that they ‘replaced’ Yuki with Uenoyama.

Haruki, however, has had a similar experience where his singer left for another band, effectively destroying the band she left behind. Mafuyu gets the feeling that this might be common among bands: an essential band member like a singer leaving is sure to make the rest of the band members split up to find a new one where they can continue making music. Maybe it’s a good thing now that Given doesn’t _have_ a singer, because that means they don’t have as much to lose should one of them for some reason quit. It was very possible that The Seasons would’ve never even become Given in the first place after Yuki left, if all of them had completely given up on music after that. It was close, but Uenoyama joining was definitely what saved them from that fate.

“I’d hate to leave in the middle of a conversation, but I really need a smoke,” Akihiko says. He gets up off the floor where he for some reason wanted to sit rather than the couch, stretching his upper body. “Haruki, you coming?”

“Sure. We’ll be back in a bit.”

Mafuyu watches as Akihiko and Haruki head out on the balcony, and then he reaches for his can of beer to empty it. He’s a lightweight, so even though he’s only had two beers now, Mafuyu is starting to feel the effects. Water would probably help; he wants to be able to get home tonight without having to dish out for a taxi.

“I’m gonna get some water,” Mafuyu says, getting up from the couch. He takes Uenoyama’s empty can of beer with him since he’s heading into the kitchen, anyway. “Do you want anything?”

“Thanks. Another beer?”

“Oh, you’re _not_ as weak to alcohol as I am. Sure thing.”

Uenoyama laughs as Mafuyu trudges into the kitchen. “You seemed fine until just now.”

Mafuyu snorts. He discards the two empty cans of beer into the bin, retrieving a new beer from the fridge, and then pours himself a glass of cold water before he returns to the living room. Glancing out towards the balcony, it looks like Akihiko and Haruki are having a somewhat serious conversation given their body language and the way they’re standing. Of course there’ll be things they don’t want to talk about in front of the others, too—Mafuyu wonders what it could be, but knows it’s obviously none of his business.

“Maybe I’m good at pretending I’m fine when I’m not.”

Uenoyama’s hand reaches out to grab the beer out of Mafuyu’s hand, but he pauses halfway. “Whoa. Uh… Satou?”

Mafuyu blinks, confused, but then he replays his last uttered sentence in his mind, and internally curses himself. Yeah, water was the correct choice for beverage. “Hm?”

“I don’t know if you meant it that way, but… well… _Are_ you okay?”

In the general sense, yes—he’s fine. But Mafuyu knows deep down that he really isn’t, and it probably won’t be fixed unless he ties up loose ends from the past that he’s ignored to the best of his abilities for eight months now. It still feels like it’s way too early to tell Uenoyama anything related to Yuki, why they had to rename the band in the first place, and why they were looking for a new band member. There’s a lot to unpack there, and Mafuyu doesn’t have the energy to deal with any of that right now.

Maybe he could pretend like he has no idea what Uenoyama’s talking about. Uenoyama isn’t dumb, Mafuyu knows that much, but maybe he can at least distract Uenoyama from trying to dig deeper. At least for now. The longer he puts things off, the worse the impact will be once things actually blow up in his face—he knows that much.

“Uh… _wow_ , Ue,” Mafuyu laughs. “I’m just talking about being drunk, it’s no big deal, okay?”

Uenoyama regards him for a moment, and Mafuyu fears that maybe Uenoyama’s just seeing right through him. Mafuyu may be good at hiding his emotions for the most part, but as for his ability to lie… he has no idea. It’s easy to lie to someone Mafuyu doesn’t know, but that doesn’t mean other people still won’t be able to tell that he _is_ lying.

“Yeah, well… I think we all are,” Uenoyama replies with a little laugh. “So that’s not surprising.”

Mafuyu sighs quietly in relief, masking it with a smile. Akihiko and Haruki finally return from the balcony, unknowingly saving Mafuyu from this weird situation he suddenly found himself in that could’ve definitely gotten worse had Mafuyu said things differently.

So as to not miss the last train, Mafuyu decides to be the mature one of the bunch and leaves before the others. He thanks Akihiko for hosting the get-together slash not-really-birthday-party for Haruki, and heads out into he hallway to leave. He has a vague feeling that someone will be spending the night at Akihiko’s, but it definitely won’t be Uenoyama, and maybe, just _maybe_ , Mafuyu wants to help Haruki along in that regard. Poor Haruki has waited too long for an opportunity like this, and Akihiko most likely ended things with Ugetsu when he did in order to finally act upon his feelings for Haruki.

Both of them have been relatively obvious to Mafuyu for a while, but none of them have ever said anything even though Akihiko has definitely noticed that Mafuyu knows. They’re probably just trying to be respectful considering what happened the last time two of their band members dated. Technically, they started dating long before Mafuyu joined, but the breakup still affected the band in a major way, which was the issue.

The difference here is that Mafuyu knows he can trust Haruki and Akihiko to make the right decisions. They’ve both been in bands that split up before, all of them at least know of bands where members have been dating, broken up, and as a result also destroyed their bands. Not everyone can get out of a relationship and maintain somewhat of a friendship with their ex—Mafuyu would say that’s pretty uncommon. He and Yuki are prime examples of that, even.

“Yo,” Mafuyu hears behind him, and he whips around to face Uenoyama who lifts his hands up in a peace-offering gesture. “Oops, sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. I’m gonna leave, too.”

“Ah… yeah,” Mafuyu says, exhaling a long breath. He hadn’t heard a single noise that could’ve alerted him of Uenoyama approaching—what _is_ this guy, a trained assassin? Or maybe it’s just that Mafuyu’s senses are dulled now that he’s inebriated, that sounds more like a logical explanation.

In silence, Mafuyu and Uenoyama put their shoes on, and Mafuyu grabs his messenger bag off the hook on the wall before they exit Akihiko’s apartment. It’s still pretty warm outside even though the sun has set a long time ago, but the air actually feels nice as opposed to humid as it normally is during the day. It’s just past midnight, and there aren’t a lot of people out despite it being a weekend. Mafuyu likes wandering about town when it’s quiet and empty of people, because it allows him to experience places in a different way than he would in broad daylight.

Mafuyu’s phone buzzes in his pocket, and he takes it out to see who could be sending him messages at this hour. To his surprise, it’s Haruki.

[ **Nakayama, Haruki** : _i’m sorry, mafuyu. it’s not that i’m trying to hide things from you, you know._ ]

Mafuyu smiles a little to himself. Haruki really is too kind and considerate sometimes. It’s definitely not the entire reason why he’s the ‘big brother’ of their band and because he’s the eldest—that sort of stuff just lies within Haruki’s nature.

[ **You** : _it’s ok. you’re good for each other. you know better than to let it affect the band, i know that much_.]

[ **Nakayama, Haruki** : _oh yeah, definitely. thanks, mafuyu._ ]

“I didn’t really wanna stick around,” Uenoyama mumbles, and it almost sounds like he’s talking to himself at first. “You know… uh, those two.”

Mafuyu raises his eyebrows. Oh, they’re more obvious than he’d thought. “Yeah, that’s part of the reason why I left. So you noticed, too, huh.”

Uenoyama shrugs. “I wouldn’t have if I wasn’t working with Haruki. I didn’t see it at first, but the more times Kaji came in to the café, the more obvious it became. Haruki is also just… really terrible at hiding his feelings.”

Mafuyu can’t help but laugh at that, and he shakes his head. “I know.”

He and Uenoyama get on the same bus, but Uenoyama’s stop comes first. They say their goodbyes and to see each other at the studio next week, and then Mafuyu gets to spend a few stops by himself until he, too, gets off and heads back home. It was a fun evening, for sure, and it’s been nice slowly getting to know Uenoyama. He sort of feels bad for how apprehensive he had been towards Uenoyama both before and right after he’d joined, and he knows he should probably apologise, because there’s no way Uenoyama _didn’t_ notice Mafuyu’s cold attitude.

It’s nothing against Uenoyama, really. Now that Akihiko has reassured Mafuyu that he _is_ essential in their band even with a second guitarist having joined, Mafuyu tries not to think about that too much. That isn’t really the issue—he knows that the issue spells out the name ‘Yuki’, and his reasons for having to deal with that past and move forward keep piling up.

The hangover Mafuyu experiences the next day is a lot more manageable than he had feared it would be. A cold shower helps, and after he’s gotten dressed, Mafuyu heads out to get some groceries, and maybe a bento box since he isn’t in the mood to cook for lunch. The fresh air further helps Mafuyu recover from his hangover, and it’s pretty nice to be outside, if even for just a bit.

As he rounds the corner coming back from the convenience store, Mafuyu stops in his tracks as he sees a familiar figure in front of him. Was he in the store at the same time as Mafuyu, and Mafuyu just didn’t notice? Mafuyu opens his mouth, but then briefly hesitates. Maybe it’s not a good idea. He can’t recall the last time they met, and almost doubts he’d be recognised at this point.

But he won’t know unless he tries.

“Ugetsu?”

The figure turns around, and Ugetsu faces Mafuyu with a surprised expression probably anyone would expect. “… Oh. Hey, Mafuyu.”


	5. i want none of this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mafuyu and Ugetsu talk about the complicated nature of the relationship that once was between Ugetsu and Akihiko. Ugetsu urges Mafuyu to try something new, and after Mafuyu's let Ritsuka in on it, Ritsuka agrees with that idea.

> _You can keep what you want  
>  I want none of it  
> They’re just bad memories  
> I don’t want  
> _
> 
> _If you get off your knees  
>  You’ll be out on a breeze  
>  **Take a lesson from me  
>  Don’t get stuck on a dream  
>   
> **_ _\- Radiohead_

Even though Mafuyu didn’t have any plans this Sunday, he definitely had never seen this coming. Life still manages to surprise him, so maybe he should be appreciative of this fact. Despite many things feeling like they happen routinely, things like meeting Ugetsu Murata on his way back from the convenience store are among those Mafuyu obviously can’t predict, and that’s why they make things interesting.

It feels a little strange to Mafuyu, being back in the basement-level apartment Akihiko once shared with Ugetsu. Almost as if he’s cheating on Akihiko in a very, very weird way that’s not even _close_ to cheating on someone. But then, of course, Akihiko doesn’t know this, and Mafuyu doesn’t see a reason as to why he should tell Akihiko that he’s hanging out with Ugetsu after they broke up. Mafuyu hadn’t spent a whole lot of time around Ugetsu before that, only a handful of times when he’d been over to either go over song lyrics with Yuki as well, or to spend time with Akihiko outside of band-related matters.

He’d stuffed his bag of groceries in Ugetsu’s fridge upon Ugetsu’s insistence, and now they’re having their ready-made lunches while sitting on Ugetsu’s couch in the living room slash bedroom. It’s all a series of strange events, but it’s also… nice? It’s difficult to describe, but Mafuyu has always found it easy to just be himself around Ugetsu, even though they don’t know each other well and haven’t seen each other a whole lot. It’s strange, but again, it’s a welcome effect.

“How are things going with your band? I heard your vocalist quit.”

Mafuyu grimaces. “He did. We restarted our band, got a new member. Maybe you know of him, Ritsuka Uenoyama?”

Ugetsu hums, raising his eyebrows a little. “Ah, yes. Congratulations, he’s very talented. How did _that_ happen?”

“It was a combined effort between Haruki and Akihiko, really. I… don’t think I’d heard of Uenoyama until they started talking about him.”

“Really? He’s rather famous around—”

“—music venues in the area. Yeah.”

This time, Ugetsu laughs. “Of course you’d heard that before. Well, I shouldn’t really judge you—I was introduced to Uenoyama’s music by Aki, so I guess we’re sort of in the same boat there.”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess.”

Maybe it _is_ strange since Mafuyu has performed at several venues practically everywhere between Yokohama and Tokyo with The Seasons, but maybe he just never thought of it when he’d actually _seen_ Uenoyama perform. He’s seen enough bands other than The Seasons perform that maybe Uenoyama just became one in the crowd, whereas it was obviously different for Akihiko and Haruki who definitely knew of Uenoyama and a lot about his music and style.

Well, everyone’s different, and now that Mafuyu has gotten to know this ‘legendary’ guitarist named Ritsuka Uenoyama, he kind of wishes he’d seen the guy perform live before. Now, Mafuyu has seen a handful of videos of Uenoyama’s performances, but he knows nothing captured on video can match the quality and experience of seeing it live.

Ugetsu takes their empty lunch boxes off the coffee table and gets up. Mafuyu does, too, and insists on helping. Ugetsu, however, doesn’t let him since he’s a guest, and instead instructs Mafuyu to stay put while Ugetsu goes to fetch them beer. It may still be early in the day, but Mafuyu has a feeling that they might need it. For what, he’s probably about to find out.

It’s a nice sort of break away from his band members—not that Mafuyu dislikes them in any way, but spending time with Ugetsu provides both of them with a completely different set of conversation topics that Mafuyu probably wouldn’t have with the others. It also probably helps that Ugetsu is an ‘outsider’ in the sense that he doesn’t know anyone in Given besides Akihiko, which makes it easier for Mafuyu to get unbiased opinions and advice should he need it.

Ugetsu returns, handing Mafuyu an already opened beer bottle, and he sits down before taking a sip of his own. It’s an amber lager, a type of beer Mafuyu definitely doesn’t have often. He’s not a beer connoisseur by any means, and the first sips are a little strong, but it’s also kind of nice with something different than the light beers he usually drinks.

“How’s Akihiko doing, by the way?”

The question catches Mafuyu off-guard, but he tries to not let it show. He glances at Ugetsu by his side, but thankfully, Ugetsu doesn’t notice. Maybe it shouldn’t surprise Mafuyu that Ugetsu still cares, but that’s not exactly _why_ he’s surprised. Rather, Mafuyu’s surprised that Ugetsu would ask, that he still wants to know how Akihiko is doing and what’s going on in Akihiko’s life after they’d said their final, final goodbye. It shows a level of maturity that Mafuyu doesn’t think he has within him to reach, or at least won’t get to for a while.

Mafuyu searches through his brain for the right words to say. He knows too much to be able to say something to Ugetsu without it hurting, unless Mafuyu really thinks about what he says before he opens his mouth. The development between Akihiko and Haruki has been very slow, and as far as Mafuyu knows, this might not even have been the first time they spent the night together.

God knows Akihiko has had his fair share of complicated relationships, and some of it may have very well spilled over onto the one he has with Haruki. People certainly aren’t perfect, Mafuyu has already gotten to experience that now that he’s twenty-three, and many people gain that experience a lot earlier, some later. It’s different for everyone, because every relationship is different. It’s scary, but it’s also scarily interesting, in a way.

Humans certainly are complex beings, which Mafuyu has known for a while, but this claim is continuously corroborated not only by his own experiences, but those around him, too. Like Ugetsu and Akihiko, for example. For the problems they kept having, they certainly stayed together for way longer than Mafuyu thinks _anyone_ would’ve expected, and it only goes to prove that the feelings they had for each other were incredibly complicated.

“He’s… doing pretty okay. Got settled into his new apartment, which is a nice place.”

Ugetsu huffs, and Mafuyu spots a tiny smile on his lips. “I see. That’s good to hear.”

Mafuyu hesitates before he asks his question, because he’s aware that it might be terribly inappropriate of him to ask, especially as an outsider. However, Mafuyu won’t know unless he tries to find out.

“Can I ask what happened? It felt kind of sudden.”

Ugetsu gives Mafuyu a surprised look, but then it’s replaced by an almost solemn one, a very small, sad smile gracing Ugetsu’s lips. “It certainly wasn’t sudden—it was about time, really. I mean, in the end… we were just using each other for sex. I loved him, but I think it was for the wrong reasons. You know?”

“I… don’t think I know, no.”

To be fair, Mafuyu has a lot less romantic experience than Ugetsu does. He’s only really been romantically involved with Yuki before, and anything before Yuki was just a bunch of teenage crushes, and Mafuyu doesn’t think they count. He’s always thought that Akihiko had a lot of knowledge and wisdom that Mafuyu suspected came from not only good but also less pleasant experiences.

Ugetsu smiles again, shaking his head. “Maybe that’s a blessing, then. We got too comfortable, Aki and I. It was just a given that we lived together, slept together even if we weren’t officially dating. It was a source of comfort but at the same time… I’ve never wanted to get out as badly as I did. And I’m sure it was the same for him.”

“Why did you want out?”

“Because I wanted to be free with my music,” Ugetsu exhales, and it sounds… final. Mafuyu doesn’t like the feeling that punches him in the chest as those words register in his mind. “I waited so long for him to leave me, and when he did, I… felt lost, and I felt relieved.”

The range of emotions Ugetsu is experiencing, the emotions he’s _able_ to experience… Mafuyu admires him for his strength. While he may not fully understand the complexity that was Ugetsu’s relationship with Akihiko, he still feels so clearly that they both cared for each other even though, in the end, all they did was hurt each other and hamper each other’s individual growth. It all sounds so very familiar to Mafuyu himself, and it makes him realise that maybe his situation isn’t all that different, after all.

“I’m sorry it had to end that way,” Mafuyu says.

“Don’t be. In fact, I think it was a good experience, in the end. I mean, you won’t learn anything from just the good, right? And it wasn’t all bad, with Aki. It was just… I think we just always wanted different things. Me being around him made Akihiko give up on the violin, so I caused him grief, too. This way, we can both move forward and… heal, I guess. Just because a relationship ended doesn’t mean it had to be outright bad. Some parts were, but I’m still glad I met him.”

Another thing that shows Ugetsu’s emotional strength is this exact thing he’d just told Mafuyu, and it’s another thing Mafuyu can’t wrap his mind around ever adopting as his own philosophy. He’s somewhat on the same page when it comes to turning bad experiences into good ones, especially when it comes to future relationships. But he has quite a way to go yet in terms of reaching the level of maturity Ugetsu displays when looking back on his relationship with Akihiko now that the wounds are still relatively fresh.

It takes different amounts of time for people to move on. Some can move on rather quickly, and that doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t appreciate what they had. For others, it may take weeks, months, maybe even years to heal their wounds and move forward. In this case, it’s nice for Mafuyu to see that both Akihiko and Ugetsu seem okay with moving on, though in very different ways.

Mafuyu ends up spending most of the day at Ugetsu’s, and only heads back when it’s starting to get dark. His mind is a storm of thoughts, and it all still manages to lead him back to Yuki. It feels like everything does. The talk Mafuyu had with Ugetsu helped him understand things a little better even about his own circumstances, and it lends him the strength he needs in order to reflect on his past with Yuki.

Someday soon, Mafuyu vows to himself that he’ll reach out to Yuki again so that they can both get the closure that at least Mafuyu needs. If Yuki doesn’t need it, then Mafuyu will just be doing it for his self-satisfaction. And maybe that’s okay, that for once, he gets to be selfish.

* * *

Choosing to focus on song composition over competitions and live performances is pretty nice, Mafuyu thinks. It’s less stressful during a time when they’re still rather newly reformed as a band, and it gives them ample time to figure out where they’re headed with their music and just how far they want to go. As it turns out, all of them want to one day make a living with music, so at least they’ve got that common goal that will make it easier for them to cooperate and understand each other.

Amidst work and spending time at the studio, Mafuyu continues to also hang out with Ugetsu. It still feels a little strange to not mention it to the others, but Mafuyu really doesn’t know how to tell Akihiko that he’s hanging out with Akihiko’s ex. Maybe it would be okay now that Haruki and Akihiko are dating—even if they aren’t official and open about it, but of course both Uenoyama and Mafuyu know—but Mafuyu won’t do anything unless he knows for sure.

“Are you guys an instrumental band now that your vocalist left?”

“Yeah. I thought we could gain a singer in the new guy, Uenoyama, but… he’s not a singer.”

Ugetsu hums. He flicks ash off his cigarette against the rim of the ash tray, exhaling the smoke from his nostrils. “Why don’t _you_ do it, then?”

Mafuyu snorts a surprised laugh. “What.”

“I can tell on your voice that you’d be a good vocalist. With practice, that is.”

While it’s true that Mafuyu more often now than before hums or sings to himself at home, he can’t see himself becoming a singer for his band, or… in general, really. He’s never even considered going down that path, mostly because he doesn’t think it’s anything for him. Ugetsu is a very talented musician, so Mafuyu knows to trust Ugetsu’s judgment, but… Mafuyu, a singer? Why, and how?

“Uh, that… was unexpected,” he says. “I don’t think I can do that.”

“Oh, come on,” Ugetsu urges Mafuyu with a certain playful tone in his voice, complete with an index finger softly jabbed into Mafuyu’s side. “It’d be a good way to change things up, no? I mean, you don’t need two guitarists when neither sing—and since you said that Uenoyama doesn’t sing… _you_ should do that. Oh! Sing me something.”

Mafuyu inhales sharply, and gets saliva down the wrong pipe which causes him to cough. Ugetsu looks at him with an amused look perfectly paired with that tone in his voice, and then he laughs. Things have just continued to be surprise after surprise for Mafuyu since he met Ugetsu again, but this certainly takes the cake. How would Ugetsu know that he could be a good singer if he hasn’t even heard Mafuyu sing?

… Wait, that’s not even the issue here—Mafuyu isn’t _going_ to sing in the first place. The fact that he’s even thinking about this now is definitely just Ugetsu’s scarily effective influence on him.

“I-I can’t,” Mafuyu replies, and he stares down at his hands in his lap. “I can’t sing.”

Ugetsu sighs, putting out his cigarette and pushing the ash tray further away from him on the coffee table. It’s surprising how the basement doesn’t smell entirely like smoke if Ugetsu regularly smokes there. Akihiko definitely used to do the same when he lived there, too; if his roommate did, why wouldn’t Akihiko? It’s strange, because the more Mafuyu spends time around the three smokers he now hangs out with, the more he’s starting to not really mind the smell. He wouldn’t ever start smoking, though—he’s heard enough from others how bad of an idea it is since it’s so hard to quit.

“Mafuyu,” Ugetsu says in a surprisingly gentle voice. “You should be more confident in yourself, you know. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about; I know you could be a good singer. Why don’t you wanna sing?”

Why doesn’t he? It’s as easy of an answer as it is to breathe—Mafuyu isn’t good at it. He was obviously never trained in it, doesn’t know if he’s even good at holding a note or if he’s tone deaf and just isn’t aware of it. Ugetsu says that he should be more confident in himself, but it’s a lot easier said than done to gain confidence in something Mafuyu hasn’t seriously considered doing in the first place. To be fair, though, he won’t know unless he tries. Maybe, just maybe, Ugetsu may be right.

Of course, Mafuyu won’t let him know that or he’ll never hear the end of it.

“I haven’t thought about it before. And I don’t think my voice would suit our music.”

Ugetsu blows a raspberry, rolling his eyes. “Excuses. Please just try it. For me, okay? I won’t tell anyone, I won’t secretly record it or anything. Just let me prove to you that I’m right.”

For some reason, the fact that Ugetsu even mentioned recording it makes Mafuyu suspicious of it actually becoming a reality. At the same time, he knows his arguments fall on deaf ears, and he probably won’t be able to get out of this unless he does as he’s asked to do. Again, Ugetsu would know what he’s talking about since he’s been surrounded by music for as long as he has, both the instrumental and vocal kind.

So Mafuyu draws a breath, and he starts singing. It isn’t a conscious decision, but he starts singing one of The Seasons’ old songs that were written for Yuki’s voice. It’s strange, but it feels almost cathartic to sing a song that his ex-boyfriend used to sing on stage, now that The Seasons doesn’t exist anymore but seventy-five percent of its members still remain in what became Given. It feels kind of like Mafuyu is stealing something of Yuki’s, and the rebellious part still lingering inside him regarding Yuki is more than pleased.

He doesn’t look directly at Ugetsu when he sings, but Mafuyu definitely glances Ugetsu’s way every now and then to gauge the reactions. There’s a slight raise of Ugetsu’s eyebrows, but other than that, he doesn’t show anything on his face. Well, Mafuyu _did_ tell Ugetsu not to get his hopes up, so he can’t be blamed if it’s a disappointing performance. Especially since Mafuyu cuts it short about halfway through the song—but then again, he’s not going to be a vocalist, anyway, so there’s no point in going all-out.

Ugetsu regards Mafuyu for a bit afterwards, and Mafuyu still doesn’t know what to make of the lack of expressions on Ugetsu’s face. That is, until Ugetsu finally speaks.

“I told you. You should sing for Given.”

Mafuyu’s eyes widen, and he almost drops his jaw. Again with the surprises. “What?”

“I can tell that you have a lot that you want to get out of your system. It’s evident in your voice, even if you’re singing a song that doesn’t reflect it. But you should write your own. You’d be surprised by how much lighter you would feel by doing that.”

Ugetsu is one of the few people Mafuyu has met whom he can’t read well, or at all. Sometimes it’s intriguing, sometimes it’s scary. In this case, Mafuyu doesn’t know what to think. The verdict on his singing is one he hadn’t expected, especially since Ugetsu didn’t openly show that he liked what he heard. Does it change how Mafuyu thinks about possibly becoming Given’s vocalist? He’s not so sure about that now, either.

He’s aware that writing songs about his past heartbreak and his emotions could provide some sort of emotional relief, and he _has_ wanted to write songs for his band that aren’t just instrumental pieces. But to sing them himself? To sing in front of an audience and not have them just judge his guitar playing but also his vocal skills?

“Listen,” Ugetsu continues, thankfully, since Mafuyu can’t think of what to say. “I… know Akihiko, pretty well after all these years. And I know he’ll love your singing. I can’t speak for the others, but if they’re musicians, they obviously know what good music sounds like. You’ve got that.”

Ah, to hell with it. He might as well try; what’s he got to lose? Nothing at this point, since he’s only a guitarist.

“Fine,” Mafuyu replies. “I’ll see what they think. I don’t know how to bring it up, though.”

Ugetsu shrugs. “I don’t know. Start playing one of your old songs and sing along to it, surprise them? Doesn’t have to be that difficult.”

Again, Ugetsu makes things sound way easier than they probably are in reality. But Mafuyu is slowly coming to terms with the fact that he indeed won’t know unless he tries, and since he’s starting to actually _like_ singing… maybe it could be a possibility.

* * *

Ugetsu’s words must have had some sort of strange power to them, because after their talk, Mafuyu starts writing drafts for song lyrics—not just one song, but two. It’s as if Ugetsu had the key that unlocked this strange potential of Mafuyu’s, and when he’d turned that key to open the door, all sorts of inspiration, ideas, experiences, and most importantly feelings, came out and materialised in the form of song lyrics. He obviously doesn’t have a melody to go with either yet, but he figures that’ll come, too. Just because he started with the song lyrics doesn’t mean he can’t come up with the melody that fits them.

Either that or one of his band members could do it; they’re all talented in their own ways, so it should be fine.

Uenoyama’s birthday arrives, and the band celebrate him at a charcoal grill place with beer and good food after they’ve all gotten off work for the last day of the week. It’s hard to believe it’s already August, that time really has gone by this fast. At the same time, it feels to Mafuyu like it’s been ages since last winter when Yuki moved to Tokyo, and like it _hasn’t_ been just a few months since Uenoyama joined. It’s a very strange feeling.

“There’s three of us who have birthdays relatively close to each other,” Akihiko says while raising his glass. “And then there’s Mafuyu.”

“Wow,” Mafuyu responds while both Uenoyama and Haruki burst out laughing. “At least I’m not the youngest of us.”

He smiles at the glare he receives from Uenoyama that he can’t keep up before he, too, smiles again, still bubbling with laughter.

“Oh, we’ve started bullying Ue already? I’m here for it.”

“Whose side are you on?!” Haruki asks, and Akihiko laughs now, too.

Mafuyu turns to face Uenoyama again. “How was your day otherwise?”

Uenoyama shrugs. “Nothing special. I worked during the day, my sister called and wished me a happy birthday… uh, that was it.”

“Ah, early signs of growing up,” Akihiko says. “When birthdays start to mean less and become just like any other day.”

“Isn’t that a little mean to say? They’re only twenty-three, Aki.”

Akihiko makes a face, but he doesn’t retract his statement. Observing the scene unfolding before him, Mafuyu thinks about how nice it is that they so quickly befriended Uenoyama, and how natural it feels to have Uenoyama among them, both as a friend and a band member.

Mafuyu doesn’t know how to bring up the subject of bringing a vocalist back to their band, especially since that vocalist would be himself if Ugetsu could choose. Do the others even think that a vocalist is necessary at this point when they’ve already composed a few instrumental pieces? What if _they_ don’t like Mafuyu’s singing voice? After all, despite what Ugetsu says, he isn’t a member of Given, and thus has no say in whether or not Mafuyu becomes their vocalist.

Since they sort of live in the same direction, it’s becoming a ritual that Uenoyama and Mafuyu go home together either from the studio or when they’ve just been hanging out. While it had been a little stiff in the beginning, they’re rather easily able to talk about practically anything without an awkward silence having time to settle between them before they go their separate ways, and it’s nice.

“Hey, Satou,” Uenoyama says. “I was thinking. Do you wanna meet up at the studio tomorrow? Or do you work weekends?”

Mafuyu glances at Uenoyama by his side, and he smiles a little. His heart makes a noticeable double-thud that Mafuyu wishes he could blame on the alcohol. He can’t. “I don’t work weekends, no, but that sounds like a great idea.”

“Good. I was just thinking that we could try and go over some of the recent songs we’ve composed, just us two guitarists. You know?”

Mafuyu hums, still smiling. Yeah, his first impression of Uenoyama was _way_ off. “I appreciate that initiative. It’s a good idea to do that so we don’t end up clashing if… well, _when_ we perform live.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Mafuyu says. “Do you wanna meet up for lunch before we head to the studio?”

“Sounds good.”

He hasn’t felt this motivated about music in a while, and it feels great. Like he’s gotten second wind while running, suddenly gaining more energy and stamina. Mafuyu owes Uenoyama a lot for just agreeing to join the band, to come up with the name and meaning behind Given—all of it led to _this_. And Mafuyu is reminded of how Akihiko had been right that going back to the studio that day was a good idea; it really was.

Saturday arrives, and Mafuyu meets up with Uenoyama for lunch as planned. There’s a fast-food place just down the road from the studio, a place Mafuyu has been to plenty of times with Haruki and Akihiko, but only a handful since Uenoyama joined a few months ago. They’d had quite a few things in mind when deciding on where they wanted to rent a studio, most importantly what’s nearby in terms of bars and restaurants for when they’re both heading to and home from the studio.

When arriving inside the studio, both Mafuyu and Uenoyama get out their guitars and get to tuning them, adjusting the picks and plucking away whilst watching the line on their tuners go from red to green, then proceeding to the next string. It only takes them a few minutes, and when Mafuyu’s done, he pulls out his notebook and a pen from his guitar case, opening up the last page he’d been scribbling on. He’d briefly forgotten that he’d been working on lyrics and not chord progressions or scores for a new piece, and is reminded of Ugetsu’s words.

“ _I told you. You should sing for Given._ ”

The more he thinks about it, strangely, the more appealing the idea becomes. Damn Ugetsu and his ability to affect people with just his words. Mafuyu looks down at his notes, chewing on the inside of his lip as his fingers itch with the urge to write more. Instead of grabbing his pen, though, Mafuyu places his fingertips against the strings on his guitar, and idly starts strumming.

To his surprise but pleasure, Uenoyama soon joins in, and Mafuyu once again finds himself impressed by Uenoyama’s immense talent. Not only when playing songs, but when improvising like this and quickly reading someone else’s guitar playing to know how he can accompany it. Uenoyama’s previous band really did suffer a great loss when Uenoyama decided to quit, but it meant only positive things for Given.

Without really thinking about it, Mafuyu gets so absorbed in their relaxed jamming that he starts humming along to it. He tries to follow Uenoyama, learning where things go next, and while he’s definitely not as talented as Uenoyama is in this regard, he’s improving. It’s something that many people is just a thing you’re born with, and for many, maybe that’s the case. But Mafuyu believes that one can learn most things with a lot of practice.

He’s thrown off when Uenoyama’s guitar playing suddenly comes to a stop, and Mafuyu lets his right hand fall onto his knee instead. Puzzled, he looks up at Uenoyama, whose eyes have fallen on Mafuyu’s notebook.

“Are those lyrics?”

Mafuyu’s hand reflexively covers the page open in his book. “Uh… well. Yeah. Sort of.”

Uenoyama hums, appearing to be in thought. “Do you sing?”

“What? No. No, I don’t… sing.”

“Your humming is nice. I bet you could sing… if you wanted to.”

He _was_ just humming, so there’s no way Uenoyama could know that Mafuyu would be good at _singing_ based solely on that. At the same time, following the talks Mafuyu has now had with Ugetsu and having thought about things himself, Mafuyu _is_ coming around to the idea of singing. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. He can always go back to being just a guitarist if he doesn’t like it, in the end.

Mafuyu laughs a little. He lets go of the notebook, but doesn’t close it. “Please don’t tell Akihiko that I told you this. No one knows.”

Uenoyama’s eyebrows lower with concern, and he nods slowly. “Okay.”

“I’ve been hanging out with Akihiko’s ex a bit recently. Not like that, that’s not why I don’t want you talking to anyone. We’re just friends, but… I don’t know what Akihiko would think. I haven’t talked to him since he and Ugetsu broke up.”

“Oh, I see. Yeah, that’s understandable. I’m guessing it wasn’t… a pretty breakup.”

Mafuyu thinks about his own, and resists a dry laugh. “Are _any_ breakups pretty?”

“… Maybe not, no.”

“Ugetsu thinks I should be our vocalist. I… I don’t know. I don’t know if you guys would be okay with it, or if I’m even fit for the role.”

_Could I even hope to fill Yuki’s shoes, be a good replacement?_

“I would say yes without having even heard you sing. I think you’d fit as our vocalist. But… I wouldn’t mind hearing you sing, either,” Uenoyama says, and he averts his gaze, clearing his throat.

Well, Mafuyu’s already sung for Ugetsu more than once, it won’t be that much different to sing for Uenoyama. Hell, Ugetsu might be one of the scariest and worst judges since he’s so experienced and talented himself. Not to say that Uenoyama isn’t, but they’re on different levels. If Mafuyu wants to do this, he might as well get used to singing in front of others. Because one day, he might be standing on stage to do the same thing.

So, Mafuyu takes a deep breath, and sings while he plays the melody on his guitar. He sings one of the first songs The Seasons ever wrote, and it’s called “ _A Prayer For Rain_ ”. It’s more pop than the alternative rock they gravitated towards as time passed and they had done a bit of exploring, but it’s a good song.

It’s always been interesting to Mafuyu that they’ve managed to stay together as a band—with the obvious exception—despite their different tastes in music. They have a few genres in common, especially now that they’ve been together for a few years and influenced each other, but the fact that they have different tastes is probably part of the reason why they work so well together in the first place.

The song comes to an end, and Mafuyu rests his right hand on the side of the guitar as the guitar itself leans against Mafuyu’s chest. He sighs, suddenly feeling almost a little embarrassed, and Uenoyama’s shocked facial expression certainly doesn’t help.

“Satou…” Uenoyama says, voice sounding dazed. “That… that was _amazing_. I’m not lying when I say I got chills. Especially during the bridge.”

Mafuyu huffs, and he looks off to the side. “Well, I chose the song because I like it.”

“That’s not it—well, the song is good, yes. But your voice is… uh,” Uenoyama says, and he hesitates briefly for some reason. Mafuyu thinks he almost looks embarrassed, but maybe that’s just the lighting of the studio. He finds it cute. “I was mostly focused on your voice.”

Mafuyu feels his heart skip a beat at that comment, and he suddenly loses all courage to look directly at Uenoyama. He lifts the strap of his guitar up and off him, laying his Stratocaster to the side so that he can place his hands in his lap. Almost immediately, he begins fidgeting with his hands. If not now, when _would_ Mafuyu tell Uenoyama?

“You know… we had another member before you,” Mafuyu says. “He was our singer, and the one who composed that song, among others.”

Uenoyama doesn’t say anything for a few seconds; Mafuyu almost wonders if Uenoyama just didn’t hear what he’d said. But Mafuyu knows he probably wouldn’t know what to say right away, either.

“Ah. I kind of… figured as much, back when you asked if I’ve ever been a singer, and other times. It just felt like a piece of your puzzle was missing.”

“Well, it _was_ missing,” Mafuyu says, and he hesitates a little before continuing. Maybe it’s weird to tell Uenoyama this, but Mafuyu still has to. “You filled that spot, in the end. Maybe not as the singer, but you helped us get back on our feet after… that. So, thank you.”

“… Can I ask what happened? Or is it too personal?”

At this point, Mafuyu feels like Uenoyama probably deserves to know, as a member of Given and as a friend of all other band members. Mafuyu also hasn’t really talked about this whole thing with Yuki with anyone other than Akihiko and even less with Haruki, and he wonders if maybe it’d help him properly move on if he were to just let it all out. It doesn’t matter what he keeps to himself at this point since it’s all in the past and something that won’t ever come back.

“His name is Yuki, and we were dating,” Mafuyu begins. “He moved to Tokyo to join another band, feeling like they had more potential to become big than we did.”

Uenoyama lets out a soft snort. “That’s awful, not to mention selfish. Sorry, I… shouldn’t have interrupted.”

“It’s fine,” Mafuyu says, and he shrugs. “I’ve come to realise that it was the best thing, not just for him, but for all of us. I mean, just look at how much we’ve grown as a band after you joined us.”

“… Thank you. But I think you’re giving me too much credit, Satou.”

Mafuyu laughs quietly. “No. You don’t know the state we were in before. Yuki leaving us was a near-devastating blow to the band. I wouldn’t have been surprised had we split up, really.”

Uenoyama looks at Mafuyu, but Mafuyu keeps his eyes trained down on the hands in his lap. Talking about it requires enough of him, but meeting Uenoyama’s gaze would be far too much.

“That bad?”

“Yeah. I know that’s part of the reason why Akihiko and Haruki didn’t want to tell me about their relationship, because I… well, for a while, I felt like band members dating was just a bad idea, since it could end up the way Yuki and I did. I… really, really loved him, and when he left, it hurt.”

Uenoyama moves closer, but only to the point where their shoulders brush against each other. “I’m sorry, Satou.”

Mafuyu shakes his head. He finds their close proximity nice, calming, and it feels surprisingly normal. “Like I said, it’s in the past, and I’m over it. I just wanted you to know… well, this. Because you’re a part of our band, and have been for a while. And hey, I’m sorry for being an ass to you in the beginning. It wasn’t anything against you.”

“I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you say ‘ass’,” Uenoyama replies, and when he laughs, Mafuyu does, too. He likes the sound of Uenoyama’s laugh. “No, it’s fine; I understand it now. I appreciate you telling me this. And, um, I should thank you, too. You guys reached out to me when I was really close to giving up music altogether, and I’m glad I got this chance.”

What Uenoyama says reminds Mafuyu of the fact that he still hadn’t heard the entire reason why Uenoyama was so readily available to join their band back then, when they all had the impression that he was already ‘taken’. He’d only given vague details about it before, but now, he’s seemingly feeling comfortable enough talking about what really happened when Akihiko had asked Uenoyama to join The Seasons that later became Given. It makes Mafuyu realise that all four of them were in a tough spot back when Uenoyama joined, and that this might’ve been the _only_ way to save all of them and their passion for music.

Fate sure works in strange ways.

Mafuyu looks up, glancing at Uenoyama by his side. “I’m glad we could be that for you, and that you could help us, too, Ue.”

Uenoyama smiles. “Me, too.”


	6. exit wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Ritsuka's POV.**
> 
> As they start spending more and more time together just the two of them, Ritsuka battles his growing feelings for Mafuyu but runs straight into a roadblock. An offer for Given to perform live is presented.

> _As you wake, does he smother you in kisses, long and true?  
>  Does he even think to bother?  
> And at night under covers as he’s sliding into you  
> Does it set your sweat on fire?_
> 
> **_Want you so bad I can taste it_ ** _  
> **But you’re nowhere to be found**  
>  I’ll take a drug to replace it  
> Or put me in the ground  
>   
> _ _\- Placebo_

Ritsuka would never admit to such a cheesy thing as believing in love at first sight. That’s not what this was. Because the first time he met Satou, Ritsuka thought of him just as he did the others. A new acquaintance who also happens to be a musician like himself. And then they became bandmates, soon thereafter friends. That’s all Ritsuka thought it would be, though maybe he shouldn’t have been so sure of it since life is always full of surprises.

The day Ritsuka heard Satou sing in the studio was when he realised that he’d fallen in love. It was like the last piece put into a puzzle to complete the picture. Bit by bit, the image was still very much unclear and Ritsuka never would’ve imagined what would come next, what more he would uncover as time went on. Now that the last piece _is_ in place is Ritsuka able to see the signs he had failed to see before, and it all makes sense.

He can’t help but get hung up on a tiny detail, though, that grows bigger the more he thinks about it. Satou had mentioned an ex-boyfriend, the person who was in the band before Ritsuka himself joined. The person who wrote that song Satou sang that shook Ritsuka down to the very core of his being. Just by that, this Yuki person sounds like he’s an amazing person. That might just be why he was scouted by another band, it makes too much sense. Just by hearing “ _Praying for Rain_ ” proves to Ritsuka that Yuki wasn’t just any other person. His song writing skills are _good_ , and whatever band he’s with now has really gained a valuable member.

Can Ritsuka live up to that now that he joined Given? He still finds it hard to believe sometimes, that Kaji and Haruki had both looked him up and tried to get him to join the band. Why _him_ , and not someone else? Of course, it isn’t as if Ritsuka complains, quite the contrary—but he doesn’t see himself as good as the others think he is. Maybe that’s more common than he thinks it is.

He backtracks to his conversation with Satou, and thinks about how Satou had said that ‘they had dated’. Does that mean they aren’t dating anymore? Ritsuka fails to see how a relationship could survive something like this, but maybe some can. He knows too little about Satou to know if their relationship could withstand things like that. Satou is very obviously still affected by what happened; it was obvious in the emotions that he packed into his singing, and the way he was talking about Yuki.

Well, Ritsuka should’ve known that it’d be foolish of him to get his hopes up. They’ve become good friends, sure, but Ritsuka would probably have more luck winning the lottery than his friendship with Satou growing into something more.

Summer blends into autumn, and band practice proceeds at a steady pace. Sometimes it’s all four of them at the studio, sometimes it’s just Ritsuka and Satou when Satou wants to practice and get used to singing. The more Ritsuka hears it, the more he feels like both running away from it but also never wanting it to stop. It’s a complicated feeling and he doesn’t know what to do about it.

Overall, though, he’s strangely flattered by the fact that Satou is at least feeling comfortable enough around him to only have Ritsuka know about his singing. Well, him and Kaji’s ex, that is. This mysterious person whom Ritsuka has never met, but he already fears this guy’s ability to bring out new things in people that they perhaps didn’t know they had in them. He may have only been in the band for a couple of months now, but Ritsuka knows enough to see that there are many complicated things going on between his band members and beyond.

Ritsuka doesn’t mention anything about Satou’s singing to anyone else, not even Haruki despite the fact that they work together. It should be something Satou himself brings up, if he ever does. It felt as if Satou isn’t too sure about whether or not he should really be Given’s singer, though Ritsuka absolutely thinks he should. He doesn’t know if either Kaji or Haruki can sing, but he doubts they can sing as well as Satou does. It’s strange how Satou’s voice was able to affect Ritsuka as much as it did, how many emotions Satou managed to pack into that song even though the song lyrics themselves weren’t as emotionally loaded.

He’s absent-mindedly cleaning the siphon behind the counter when Kaji walks in through the door at the café. Sitting on one of the bar stools across from Haruki and Ritsuka, Kaji grins at them, and that can only mean he’s up to something.

“We got an offer to play live,” he begins, and Haruki whips around so fast Ritsuka fears he might slip and fall. “And I think we should do it.”

“What?! When? Where?”

“Saturday three weeks from now, in Shibuya.”

Ritsuka raises his eyebrows. “Shibuya as in Tokyo?”

“Yes, Tokyo. We’ve already got a few instrumentals done, we could definitely do it.”

Ritsuka wonders if Satou would have decided upon singing by then or not. Again, he can’t say anything about it, but he keeps it in mind for the next time he sees Satou, which is coincidentally today after work. It would be really cool if they had actual songs ready for their first live performance after the band was reformed with Ritsuka joining, but he also knows that pressuring someone about it is the worst way of going about things. If that doesn’t work, they do still have instrumentals to perform, as Kaji says.

“Oh,” Haruki replies. “Well… I’d be up for it. I’m just wondering if it’s enough time to prepare.”

Kaji blows a raspberry. “Come on, it’s _plenty_ of time. What do you say, Ue?”

Ritsuka blinks, searching his mind for the right words. In the end, he gives up the attempt and goes by feeling. It’ll work out fine. “Yeah, I’d like to do that.”

“Good! Now we just need to ask Mafuyu.”

“I can do that,” Ritsuka says a little too fast. “I’m… gonna meet up with him after work. So I can ask him then.”

Kaji hums, but then he shrugs. “Alright. I was thinking I could just send him a text, but that works, too. Better, maybe. I’m still working out the details, but if we accept, most everything is settled, anyway. Now, I _really_ need coffee before I head back to work. Can’t leave Mafuyu alone for too long.”

After having ordered his coffee, Kaji sticks around for a little bit to chat while he finishes the dreadful cappuccino with a shot of espresso he often orders when he comes by, and then he leaves. Other than him, there’s only a few other patrons in the café right now, but no one usually sits by the bar counter where Haruki and Ritsuka work. Only their close friends do, but Ritsuka prefers it that way, it’d just be awkward otherwise. On occasion, Haruki’s friend Kouji drops by for a coffee, and Satou has been there a few times during his lunch break like Kaji.

Haruki sighs next to Ritsuka, and he leans on the counter on his elbows. “Feels like it’s been ages since we stood on a stage. It’ll be your first time performing with us, too—how’s that feel?”

“I’m excited,” Ritsuka replies. “It’s been a while for me, too.”

Truth to be told, he’d lost all motivation to even _perform_ live after he’d had a falling out with his previous band. The way they all sucked the life energy out of each other wasn’t even the entire reason why Ritsuka ended up leaving. All of them wanted different things, thus arguments were plentiful practically every time they got together. He hasn’t stayed in touch with any of his former bandmates since then, but that’s for the best. Ritsuka knows that he wouldn’t have gotten far with them, anyway, given how things had been in the end.

To say that Given is a breath of fresh air for him is a vast understatement; Kaji asking him to join was definitely what kept Ritsuka’s passion for music alive. _This_ is what being in a band is supposed to be like. Everyone’s on an equal playing field, everyone can chip in with their opinions and it’s all taken into consideration even if that particular idea might not be implemented in the end. It’s not even that Ritsuka can do exactly as he wants, at least not on paper, but it sure _feels_ that way with how much freedom he’s been given with this band.

* * *

After they’ve closed up for the day, Ritsuka and Haruki go their separate ways as Ritsuka takes the bus a few stops over to where Satou and Kaji work. The two of them work for a little bit longer, so Ritsuka will have to stick around and wait, but he doesn’t mind. It’s a lot less convenient to hang around where Kaji and Satou work since it’s a convenience store, and they definitely get a lot more customers than Ritsuka and Haruki do. But at least Ritsuka’s been there before, so that makes it less weird for him.

The leaves on the trees are starting to shift in colour, making things look colourful in a different way than summer does. The sad thing is that winter follows autumn, and that’s when everything just looks sad and dead. Ritsuka really despises the winter months even when it doesn’t snow, but maybe that can be attributed to him being a summer child with a name that quite literally also _means_ summer.

“Welco—ah, hey, Ue.”

Ritsuka ducks his head slightly as he walks into the convenience store. “Hey. Don’t mind me, I’m just gonna hang out until you get off work.”

Kaji shrugs. “Eh, it’s fine as long as we don’t have any customers. So you came at a good time.”

Satou emerges from the back room, and he immediately spots Ritsuka by the entrance. The smile he sends Ritsuka a smile that could threaten to make Ritsuka’s heart implode. “Hi, Uenoyama. How was work?”

“Hey, Satou. It was… uh, the usual,” he responds unintelligibly. “Your co-worker snuck off to see us during lunch.”

Kaji snorts at his comment, but doesn’t say anything. Satou lets out a little laugh and it’s like music to Ritsuka’s ears.

“Yeah, I heard. I do that sometimes, too, so I can’t say anything about that. I don’t really sneak, though.”

Ritsuka smiles as he heads further inside to sit on an overturned plastic delivery box in a corner, placing his guitar bag beside him. A customer walks in right then, so their chitchat is put on hold, but Ritsuka instead pulls out his phone to browse through social media as he lets his friends focus on work instead. None of them really have very demanding jobs, and the atmosphere both at the café and the convenience store is always nice.

He doesn’t care that he has a job that most people deems a temporary one, because he very much enjoys it and it’s perfect for mingling with band-related matters like either performing live or spending time at the studio without anyone feeling absolutely beat before even setting foot inside the studio.

Kaji heads out first while Satou takes a little longer getting changed around back. Now that it’s just the two of them again, Ritsuka gets that feeling of awkwardness settling in once more, and he almost feels nervous. If only he didn’t have these pesky, growing feelings of his, things would’ve been fine. It would’ve been as if he had been with just Haruki or Kaji, nothing special. But it is, and now he’s here.

“Sorry for the wait,” Satou says as he comes back out, swinging his guitar bag onto his back. Ritsuka gets up off the box he’s been uncomfortably sitting on for a while, stretching his back, and then he follows Satou out the door.

While they’re getting set up at the studio, Ritsuka remembers the thing Kaji had talked about earlier, and he opens his mouth.

“Kaji said that he’s been approached about us doing a live in three weeks, in Shibuya. What do you say?”

Satou turns around, still in the middle of tuning his guitar. As Ritsuka expected, Satou wears a surprised look on his face. “Really? That’s great.”

Somehow it doesn’t sound like he’s all that excited. Ritsuka wonders if he’s overthinking things, so he tries again. “So? Would you wanna do it?”

“I… yeah. Yeah, that’d be a good way for us to get back into things.”

“Are you sure? You don’t sound like you’re entirely up for it.”

Satou smiles a little, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s nothing. I think it’s a good idea, really, and I’m excited for it.”

Still not fully convinced, Ritsuka still chooses to let it go. He’s excited, and he knows both Kaji and Haruki are, too. Maybe Satou will come around to it soon enough. They should probably decide sooner rather than later to give themselves as much preparation time as they can get, but Ritsuka won’t pressure Satou into anything since that might just have an opposite effect.

He loves hearing Satou sing, but Satou’s voice also holds so many emotions that it makes Ritsuka want to be the one who relieves Satou of the pain he’s obviously still carrying. He can’t bring himself to do it for more reasons than just the fact that he has no idea how Satou feels about him. Maybe he could find out somehow, without having to ask the question himself. As for how… well, he’ll have to figure it out somehow.

They have dinner together after they leave the studio, but then Ritsuka and Satou go their separate ways. Now they’ve finished an entire song, and it feels good. It’s a very good song so far, but it’ll be so much better with Kaji’s drums and Haruki’s bass to accentuate the rhythm and flesh out the song even more. Since Satou will contribute lyrics to the song, the worry about having the guitars clash or fight for attention is heavily minimised. It’s interesting to try and get around it, but Ritsuka thinks that it’s a fun challenge.

In three weeks, they’ll either be in Shibuya or they won’t. And if they go, there’s a possibility of Satou singing, and Ritsuka is very much hoping it becomes a reality.

* * *

With Haruki’s usual optimism, Ritsuka had definitely expected him to say that Satou will come around to the possible upcoming live. What he instead gets is a vague response, a hum, and what almost looks like a concerned frown, and it’s not what Ritsuka wants Haruki to reply with. At the same time, Ritsuka knows that there’s probably something there that he isn’t aware of, whatever it could be. Something that makes Satou less enthusiastic… but what? Maybe he’s had bad experiences whenever he’s been in Tokyo?

… Tokyo?

“ _His name is Yuki, and we were dating. He moved to Tokyo to join another band._ ”

Ritsuka’s heart sinks in his chest at the memory of his conversation with Satou about the singer who left The Seasons, the person who also happens to be Satou’s ex. And this guy lives in Tokyo. Could that be why Satou isn’t too eager about going? Ritsuka has a habit of overthinking things, and this time might be no exception… but judging by Satou’s reactions, that might just be the case.

At the same time, Tokyo is _big_. The risk of them running into Yuki’s new band is probably very small, so there’s no need for them to worry about it as if they’d be standing on the same stage. If that _does_ happen, though, Ritsuka would wonder why the gods above love to torture him this much. All he can do is hope that Satou comes around to the idea, and that they don’t actually run into Yuki and his band somehow. The risk is small, but… it’s still there.

“I can try to talk to him,” Haruki offers, snapping Ritsuka out of his thought bubble.

“… Yeah?”

“Sure. While three weeks sounds like a lot of time, it really isn’t. So we have to know sooner rather than later if he wants to do this or not.”

Ritsuka is thankful to Haruki for taking this upon himself rather than Ritsuka himself having to make that offer. He doesn’t think he’d be the right person at all to talk to Satou about this now since that _would_ end up being like pressuring Satou. The more logical route to go is for someone else to do it, and it would obviously be either Haruki or Kaji.

Speaking of Kaji, Ritsuka receives a text message from him during the day that he only half reads since he’s in the middle of making coffee at the time or receiving it. During his lunch break, Ritsuka takes the time to read said message.

[ **Kaji, Akihiko** : _hey. you wanna meet up a little earlier before we head to the studio?_ ]

Ritsuka frowns with confusion to himself. It’s not that he’d mind hanging out with Kaji, absolutely not—but this feels a little sudden. Not like when Ritsuka hangs out with Satou, because they do that all the time, and it’s become sort of a natural thing. Ritsuka hasn’t spent a whole lot of time alone with Kaji, which is why this is a little strange. Not unwelcome, though.

[ **You** : _sure, where?_ ]

Ritsuka and Kaji decide on a time and place, and then Ritsuka heads out for his lunch. His mind is still full of thoughts about the live performance that _might_ happen, something he’s trying to not be too excited about though it’s difficult, because it’ll be the first time he performs live in what feels like ages.

They’re all going to be at the studio again today, and Haruki has promised to talk to Satou today about Shibuya to make sure they know as soon as possible whether or not to prepare for this event. Ritsuka knows that the more excitement he feels, the greater his disappointment has a potential to become should this not happen in the end. It feels almost selfish that he, Kaji, and Haruki are all excited about something that Satou isn’t. Some might say that it should be a majority vote, but in bands, it’s important that _everyone_ agrees on something, at least according to Ritsuka. He’s far too familiar with what happens when at least one person isn’t completely aboard an idea.

After work, Ritsuka meets up with Kaji outside a park not too far away from their studio. It’s a little cold, but thankfully not too cold to sit outside. It’s going to be nice for as long as they can stay here before they head to the studio, at least, so it’s okay. There’s a few other people in and around the park: someone walking her dog, a jogger, a family with two children playing on a swing set. Ritsuka knows that there will be fewer people here as the temperatures continue to drop, because no sane person would spend time in a park during winter. Well, _he_ wouldn’t.

“I got a few more details ironed out regarding the event,” Kaji says. He nurses a paper mug with coffee between his hands. Ritsuka had gone the dumber route and gotten a can of _cold_ coffee instead. “We’ll be the second act, and each band is allotted forty-five minutes on stage.”

Ritsuka raises his eyebrows slightly. “Well, that’s pretty standard, I guess. I wonder if we have enough material to fill out those forty-five minutes, though.”

Even _if_ Satou sings, they’d be cutting it really close. They would have to come up with something within these three weeks in order to make things work, because they definitely don’t want to go _under_ the time they’re given since it’d make them look like they came unprepared. And that wouldn’t be a good way for them to start off and try to gain traction. Ritsuka wonders if maybe this could be a good time for him to improvise and propose a guitar solo in the middle of one or a few of their pieces; that could be a good way to fill out their time if they can’t compose anything new in the limited time they have before the live.

Kaji shrugs. “We’ll come up with something. Haruki likes to talk between songs, so he might do that. Yuki used to do that, too, but he _was_ the singer, so.”

Ritsuka doesn’t like the feeling in the pit of his stomach as he hears Yuki’s name. Something about it creates almost a sour taste in the back of his throat. He swallows hard, and the aluminium can in his hand crackles a little as his fingers grip around it tighter.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to just say it like that. But I figured you already knew.”

“I do,” Ritsuka says, trying not to clench his jaw. “Satou told me about it.”

Kaji hums at that. “So… okay, I’m just gonna ask. Did something happen between you and Mafuyu?”

Ritsuka’s eyes widen, and he turns his head to stare in shock at Kaji. “Uh… no? Like what?”

“Well, I mean—it’s not just that you’re hanging out a lot. I also noticed the way you reacted to the whole Yuki thing. I can see it on you, Ue.”

“See what?”

“That you’re in love with him.”

They’re just a few simple words, but they carry enough power to potentially destroy the ground beneath Ritsuka’s feet, creating a hole that would swallow him up in an instant. Which maybe he’d actually prefer right now, because he’s been seen through as if he’s completely transparent, and it makes him feel vulnerable. More and more does he realise just how perceptive Kaji is and how he’s able to just… read people around him, see through them, almost read their minds. It’s scary, and very much inconvenient when it affects Ritsuka himself.

“I…”

“Are you gonna deny it?”

He hears the almost challenging tone in Kaji’s voice, but Ritsuka has cast his gaze downward at the ground, and he won’t look back up at Kaji again. Even so, he just _knows_ what kind of look Kaji is trying to give him, and he isn’t about to give Kaji the satisfaction of having it come through.

“I don’t think I can at this point, can I?”

Laughing, Kaji softly bumps Ritsuka in the side with his elbow before he lights a cigarette. “I’m not trying to be mean to you, Ue. I think you’d be good for each other.”

“But?”

“I’m not saying there’s a ‘but’. Although… well, Mafuyu has a few things to sort out before he’s probably ready to try anything.”

“You say that as if he even likes me back.”

“And you don’t think he does?”

Ritsuka snorts without meaning for it to come out, though he also doesn’t regret it. “Why should he?”

“Why _not_? Dude, I’ve _seen_ you two. It’s pretty obvious that you both like each other. It’s cute.”

“Don’t say it’s cute. That sounds weird.”

Kaji rolls his eyes. “Why are you so hellbent on being negative about this?”

Now that Kaji has seen through Ritsuka, there’s really no point in him trying to hide anything. Ritsuka sighs, and he shoves his hands into the pockets on his coat. “Because it feels like Satou’s still in love with his ex.”

“Mmm, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Their break-up was _bad_ , you know. It’s obvious that Mafuyu’s moving on, that he’s doing his best to leave that all behind him. Which is good, because… well, I shouldn’t tell you that. That’s their thing.”

Ritsuka glances at Kaji by his side, but he doesn’t say anything. He knows he should probably trust Kaji’s judgment as someone who’s known Satou for as long as he has. Not only that, but obviously Kaji _knows_ people, even those he might not be all that close with. There’s still something inside Ritsuka—he doesn’t dare call it intuition but it might be close—that tells him that maybe Kaji isn’t right about _everything_. That there might be something more to Satou that neither of them know.

Had he been an idiot, Ritsuka would’ve believed anything and everything, held his hope like a brightly lit flame within him that things might work out in his favour. He knows that it’s never that easy, that there’s always something that means to stand in his way that he has to deal with first. Either that or someone else has to deal with something so that he can take a step in the desired direction.

“Fuck, it’s getting cold,” Kaji says, and he shudders while hunching his shoulders briefly. “Let’s head to the studio; I’m sure the others are already there.”

They spend the short walk over to the studio building in relative silence. In less than three weeks, they’re either in Tokyo, or they aren’t. Way before that, though, they have to know if Satou wants in on this or not. They can’t do it _without_ Satou, not only because it’d feel wrong, but because Satou is as much part of the band as the others are. It would feel strange for one member to be left out because he didn’t want to go.

Well inside, Ritsuka and Kaji take their jackets off by the entrance, carrying them on their arms whilst walking over to their studio. Strangely enough, the door to their studio is left slightly ajar, but maybe that’s just because not everyone’s there yet and the others keep it open while waiting for Kaji and Ritsuka to arrive.

As they get closer, Ritsuka hears Haruki’s voice, and the second he does, a hand grabs his wrist and stops him in his tracks.

“What—”

“Shh.”

Ritsuka looks back at Kaji with a confused expression, but Kaji wears no facial expression whatsoever. It almost makes Ritsuka nervous for some reason, but then he hears Haruki speak again.

“Why don’t you wanna go?”

“I just don’t feel like it, okay? There’s always a next time, right?”

A sigh is heard. “This is because it’s in Tokyo, right? Because you’re afraid we’ll run into Yuki?”

Ritsuka hears Satou scoff. “I’m not afraid of Yuki.”

“Then what is it?” There’s a pause for what’s really just a few seconds, but they feel a lot longer than that. “You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?”

There’s a sharp pain that pricks Ritsuka in the chest right then, reminiscent of a dagger, and it makes it hard for him to breathe. What makes it worse is that Satou doesn’t respond, and each second that passes without him saying anything makes it harder for Ritsuka to breathe. He really should’ve known that this was the case, that this is why Satou doesn’t want to go to Tokyo.

Ritsuka feels sick to his stomach. He turns on his heel, facing Kaji, and he cocks his head to signal for Kaji to move. Kaji, however, doesn’t move, but he keeps a steady, almost stern gaze on Ritsuka.

“Move,” Ritsuka says. “I’m leaving.”

“Don’t.”

“How could I _stay_?”

Kaji makes a noise akin to annoyance or maybe impatience, Ritsuka can’t tell. “Don’t jump to conclusions. He didn’t say any—”

“Oh, you’re here! Why’re you just standing outside like two idiots?” comes Haruki’s voice behind Ritsuka, who flinches at the interruption. Haruki is doing a fairly good job at pretending like he hadn’t just talked to Satou about The Seasons’ former band member and Satou’s ex, like they hadn’t been talking about Satou possibly, probably, still being in love with the guy.

“I don’t feel well,” Ritsuka says while keeping eye contact with Kaji. “I’m gonna head back home.”

“Wha—oh… okay. You sure?”

Satou appears in the doorway next to Haruki, peeking out at what must’ve quickly become sort of a commotion given where they are. When their eyes meet, Ritsuka looks away, and he lowers his eyebrows slightly. Of course Satou would show up, too; it’s only natural of Haruki went out to greet the people outside that Satou might do the same. It’s all just bad timing, really.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay,” Haruki says, and he sounds disappointed but also concerned. “Rest up, and I’ll see you on Monday.”

Ritsuka hates how he feels a twinge of guilt at that, but he tries to ignore it because he can’t stay. He can’t stay because it would be awkward and ultimately unbearable. There’s no way both he and Kaji could act like they _didn’t_ hear Satou and Haruki’s talk for the entire session. Maybe Ritsuka leaving will still make it awkward, but Ritsuka feels like maybe it’s okay for him to be selfish just this once.

He barely registers anything else said by the others as Ritsuka makes his way past Kaji through the corridor and subsequently out the building. Screw this aching heart of his, he doesn’t want it if it’s going to feel this painful to just have it beating inside his chest. He feels like it’s been stomped on and then chucked in the nearest bin where it probably belongs, anyway.

The road back home has never felt as long, nor does Ritsuka think he should feel this cold considering it isn’t even winter yet.


	7. boy with the blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ritsuka's absence in the studio is uncomfortable and inconvenient for everyone else involved, and the pressure sets in now that they only have a few weeks left until they perform live. Mafuyu reveals about his desire to sing for Given to Haruki and Akihiko, and he comes to a decision regarding Yuki and Ritsuka.

> _Remember to shine  
>  Let my love take you high  
> You've nothin' to lose  
> You're just a boy with the blues_
> 
> _Remember to smile  
>  Let my love take you high  
>  **I've nothin' to lose  
>  I'm just a boy with the blues  
>   
> **_ _\- Oasis_

Mafuyu can’t help but think and worry about Uenoyama during band practice. He gets off track and loses his rhythm every once in a while, at which point either Haruki or Akihiko tell him to snap out of it. But no matter how hard he tries to focus on playing the guitar, his mind is still somewhere else. He isn’t dumb, he knows Uenoyama was lying when he left. Mafuyu knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that both Uenoyama and Akihiko overheard his conversation with Haruki, and up until recently, Mafuyu wouldn’t have understood why that would make Uenoyama leave. But he knows, and he feels awful about it.

He expects either Haruki or Akihiko to scold him after practice—or perhaps both at once—because it would be natural after what happened… and what _didn’t_ happen. Especially with how Mafuyu left Haruki’s question unanswered because he didn’t know how to honestly answer it. Practice, however, goes on almost like it usually does with the glaringly obvious absence of Uenoyama, and then Mafuyu is given a lift back home by Haruki. Sitting in the backseat with Akihiko and Haruki in the front, talking in low voices to themselves, makes it almost feel like Mafuyu’s being taken home by his parents or something. Sometimes it feels like they very well _could_ be.

“Mafuyu, you should really go to Tokyo with us,” Haruki finally says. “And you need to seek out Yuki to talk things out while we’re there. I don’t even have to tell you why.”

Mafuyu huffs. “Easier said than done.”

“Doesn’t have to be difficult; it depends on how you’d answer my question from earlier.”

“I don’t know _how_ to answer it.”

“Then you shouldn’t get any closer to Ue before you do,” comes Akihiko’s voice this time. “I don’t wanna go into specifics, but I’ve talked to him about you two. All I’m saying is that it’d be really unfair of you to lead him on while you’re still potentially hung up on Yuki.”

Akihiko isn’t known for sugar-coating things; he tends to say it like it is. Mafuyu appreciates it, but sometimes his words really hit hard. Deep down, Mafuyu knows he needs someone like Akihiko around, someone who can kick his ass back into the right gear when things have do be done. This confrontation with Yuki has been a long time coming, but Mafuyu is starting to accept the fact that he’ll have to go to Shibuya for the gig and take that opportunity to reach out to Yuki for the first time in almost an entire year.

Uenoyama doesn’t show up for practice a few days later, either. Between the last session and now, Mafuyu has tried to get a hold of Uenoyama both by sending texts and calling, but to no avail. The dumb thing is that Mafuyu doesn’t know where Uenoyama lives, so he can’t drop by and force Uenoyama to talk to him. Haruki doesn’t know, either, but according to him, Uenoyama’s at least coming to work like usual and he’s the same as he always is when they’re working.

Mafuyu is told that when Haruki asks if he wants to come along to the studio, Uenoyama just politely declines without saying anything else. Without an excuse, even. Of course, the worst thing would be for Mafuyu to pressure Uenoyama to returning to the studio, but even if he _wanted_ to do that, he has no way of doing it since he can’t reach Uenoyama in the first place. Suddenly, the idea of looking up Uenoyama’s address and just showing up outside his door is a very tempting one, but that might also just make things worse. Maybe Mafuyu is the wrong person to act in this case—he might just have to take a step back and either hope that someone else springs to action, or that Uenoyama comes back on his own. Somehow.

“I wanna go to Tokyo,” Mafuyu declares a few days later at the studio. “And I wanna sing.”

Akihiko chokes on the sip of water he’d just swallowed halfway, and he coughs. When he’s calmed down, at least somewhat, he stares in bewilderment at Mafuyu. “ _Sing_? I didn’t know you could sing.”

If only Akihiko knew the reason why Mafuyu’s come to this conclusion in the first place. Mafuyu doesn’t even want to think about how Akihiko would react if he were to find out that Ugetsu is behind all of this.

He places his fingertips against the strings on his guitar, takes a deep breath, and performs the song he’s composed with Uenoyama. It makes his heart ache a little, and as a result, he knows his voice is trembling despite his efforts to minimise it. He’s been such an idiot, and now that he’s realised it, it might be too late. They still haven’t heard from Uenoyama at all, and the days are ticking down until the day they’re supposed to stand on a stage at a live venue in Shibuya to perform as a band for the first time since Yuki left.

When Mafuyu thinks of Uenoyama, his resolve to sort things out with Yuki grows stronger, and so does his desire to move on to be with Uenoyama. At the same time, he knows that his chances of that ever happening are getting slimmer each day that Uenoyama stays away from the studio and from them in general.

“Oh… _wow_ , Mafuyu,” Haruki says, and he exhales a deep breath. “Wow. I can’t believe you’ve kept this to yourself this entire time.”

Mafuyu raises an eyebrow, and puts his guitar down. He’s a little embarrassed by the compliment but refuses to show it. “You already had a singer when I joined. There’s no need for two.”

“But backup vocals…”

“They’d just be fighting for attention,” Akihiko interrupts, prompting Haruki to glare at him for bursting that bubble. “If you wanna be our vocalist, I’m all for the idea. As long as you want to be, that is.”

Mafuyu wonders for a split second if Akihiko is insinuating that someone might be putting him up to this, but he ignores the thought and hopes Akihiko isn’t _that_ perceptive. If that’s the case, he’s definitely not on the right career path. Mafuyu wonders how long he’ll be able to keep this secret from Akihiko, the fact that he’s gotten back in touch with Ugetsu and that they’re hanging out semi-regularly. Again, Mafuyu has no idea how Akihiko would react to it, which is exactly why he’s keeping it a secret to begin with.

“I do. It’s a nice change, and a challenge.”

“That’s more than good enough, then. Now all we need is for Ue to come back so we can get ample practice in before it’s showtime.”

The way Akihiko phrases that makes it sound like he’s absolutely certain that Uenoyama will be back, and also that he’ll be back _soon_. Akihiko _is_ good at talking to people, but Mafuyu wonders if it’ll still be enough.

On the bus while he’s heading home from the studio, Mafuyu writes yet another text message to Uenoyama that he knows will probably be read but not replied to. All he can do is try, and hope for the best.

[ **You** : _can we at least talk? i know you heard me and haruki talk the other day. i want to explain things properly, and i won’t lie to you. i promise. just… talk to me, ue_.]

He hasn’t received a response by the time he’s back home fifteen minutes later, and though he’d expected it, Mafuyu still feels a slight sting of disappointment within him when he sees that Uenoyama has actually read his message. As he did last time, and the time before that. Mafuyu regrets not having gotten to know Uenoyama better by this point; maybe he could’ve found out where Uenoyama lives, the name of a friend or two, or maybe a family member he could get in touch with. At the same time, if he _were_ to get in touch with someone close to Uenoyama, they would then find out the reason why Uenoyama’s avoiding his band members, and especially Mafuyu, in the first place.

Well, not that it might matter in the end—Mafuyu’s really just a stranger to them who happens to be in the same band as Uenoyama. He also just happens to be falling in love with Uenoyama, which complicates things to the point where it’s unavoidable that Uenoyama’s closest people would detest Mafuyu for having been as indecisive as he was, which hurt Uenoyama in the end.

He knows he’s got absolutely no right to contact Uenoyama in the first place, but Mafuyu won’t stop trying until he gets _something_ in response. Anything. And when this dawns upon him, Mafuyu picks up his phone again. It’s been almost an entire year since Mafuyu blocked Yuki’s number, and only now is he unblocking it before calling the number.

“… _Mafuyu? Is that you?_ ”

A whole storm of emotions threatens to throw Mafuyu off-balance, but he remains standing. Yuki sounds exactly the way he always used to, for obvious reasons now that they’ve been out of puberty for quite a few years. He does sound a little bit more… mellow, almost, but that might just be Mafuyu’s imagination. Mafuyu closes his eyes briefly, swallowing hard.

“It’s me,” he confirms, fighting against the nausea that hits him. “We need to talk.”

“ _I—yeah. Yeah, I… I’ve wanted to talk to you for so long._ ”

“Not now,” Mafuyu says before Yuki can say anything else, before Mafuyu _lets_ him say anything else. He wants to just get straight to the point with no small-talk: that’s where he knows he’d fall into a hole and not be able to get out. “I’m gonna be in Shibuya in a week, and we should meet up.”

“ _Oh… okay, sure. I’ll thankfully still be in Tokyo then, so we can meet when you’re here_.”

Mafuyu raises his eyebrows. So that _does_ mean that Yuki’s already touring with The Liberated, and it further means that they’ve released songs and maybe an album since Yuki joined. It makes Mafuyu jealous and determined to make Given succeed soon, too. Still… they can’t do it unless Uenoyama comes back, however they’re going to achieve that.

* * *

When Uenoyama returns to the studio, it’s as if lightning came from a clear blue sky. It’s unexpected and Mafuyu can’t keep it away from his facial expression as he watches Uenoyama trudge inside with Haruki, the two of them conversing about something. It makes Mafuyu’s heart beat faster, and he wants to speak up, wants to at least just say ‘hey’, but his tongue gets twisted in his mouth and his single-worded greeting dies in his throat before it has a chance to come out.

He stares intently down at his tuner as he adjusts the picks on his guitar while strumming away to make sure the sound is right for today’s practice. The atmosphere is strangely light around them, but that just makes Mafuyu feel worse. It feels like nothing happened even though practically _everything_ happened. His mind wanders back to the look on Uenoyama’s face when Mafuyu went after Haruki at the studio that day. The second Mafuyu saw Uenoyama, he knew that both Uenoyama and Akihiko had heard at least the end of that conversation he’d had with Haruki, and that was apparently enough to make Uenoyama absent from the studio and basically their _lives_ for almost an entire week.

Mafuyu isn’t an idiot; he knows Uenoyama and Akihiko heard the talk specifically about Yuki since that’s where Mafuyu decided to let the conversation end, right before Haruki noticed the other half of their band outside. What Mafuyu _doesn’t_ understand is exactly why Uenoyama left, what he thinks he heard that must’ve made him obviously angry enough to leave. He so desperately wants to know but is afraid of approaching Uenoyama about it now that Uenoyama is finally back in the studio with them. The smallest mistake on his part might make Uenoyama leave again and maybe even make that a permanent thing in terms of the band.

Akihiko finally arrives as well, and the four of them get to practice. Mafuyu sings the songs they’ve managed to complete both in lyrics and instrumentals since the band was reformed, getting down the lyrics without having to look at them while singing. It feels like they’ll be able to pull this off, and while Mafuyu doesn’t want to be overly optimistic just yet just in case something goes wrong, he does still feel good about it now that they only have a few days left until they’ll be in Tokyo to perform live as Given for the first time.

Mafuyu’s been experiencing somewhat of a creative surge as of late, which has enabled him to write lyrics to pieces like the first one Haruki composed after they officially reformed the band as Given. He wonders if this is how Yuki felt, writing most of the lyrics to The Seasons’ songs back in the day. It’s exciting probably because it’s new to Mafuyu himself, and he hopes he won’t get tired of it anytime soon. While it isn’t anything they _haven’t_ done before, this at least somewhat ensures they don’t become a completely instrumental band as they’d feared after Yuki left.

Akihiko was right. It feels like a good way of getting back at Yuki for leaving, by the three of them recruiting someone new and aiming to be better than The Seasons ever was as a band.

“We’re gonna go on ahead,” Akihiko says, and Mafuyu tries his best to ignore Haruki’s embarrassed reaction. He doesn’t need to know more than he already does. “See you on Thursday. That’ll be the last time we’re here before we head to Tokyo, by the way.”

“It’ll be fine,” Haruki replies after regaining some composure. “But it’s good to keep that in mind.”

As the two of them leave, Mafuyu wonders if maybe the two of them hurried out of there just so Mafuyu and Uenoyama would be left alone in the studio. There’s no point to that, if that was their intention, because Uenoyama won’t talk.

… but maybe that doesn’t mean Mafuyu has to give up.

He puts his guitar back into his bag, seeing in the corner of his eye that Uenoyama’s doing the same thing while also putting things like their tuners and other equipment back in place. Mafuyu takes it upon himself to make sure that the studio itself is in order before they leave, but he doesn’t make a move to leave just yet. It’s only a matter of time before Uenoyama does, though, so Mafuyu grasps what little courage he has within him, and speaks up.

“Hey, Uenoyama… can we talk? Do you have someplace to be soon?”

Mafuyu doesn’t expect a response. He still doesn’t have the full explanation behind Uenoyama’s reaction and behaviour since that day at the studio when Uenoyama had just left and not returned for several days. At the same time, Mafuyu is starting to come to terms with the fact that it’s because of him and because Uenoyama’s feelings towards Mafuyu are more than friendly. The thought itself makes Mafuyu’s heart flutter briefly, but it’s quickly shot down and burned to a miserable little pile of ash because of the unfortunate timing that day.

He isn’t trying to hold things back from his band members, that isn’t the thing. When he and Haruki had been talking at the studio that day, Mafuyu had figuratively been backed up against a wall with little chance of getting away, and when Haruki bluntly asked him if he’s still in love with Yuki… Mafuyu couldn’t give an immediate response. The thing is that he doesn’t know. He doesn’t often think about Yuki these days, but when he does, he feels more angry and betrayed than anything else. There was a time when he was more sad than angry, and he guesses that it’s just a sort of grief process after a break-up, but now, he doesn’t feel sad.

“I don’t,” Uenoyama replies, and Mafuyu’s heart nearly jumps out of his chest. “What is it?”

Completely unprepared for this outcome, Mafuyu struggles to find the words at first. He quickly scrambles through his brain and manages to find _something_ that he hopes is good enough to keep Uenoyama from leaving. “I wanted to talk about what happened at the studio the last time I saw you.”

“What’s there to talk about?”

There’s no hostility or sarcasm in Uenoyama’s voice; instead, it sounds almost completely monotone, lacking in any emotion whatsoever. Mafuyu hates the sound of it and how it makes his chest hurt again.

“I know you overheard me and Haruki talking about Yuki. I want to clear something up when it comes to that.” Uenoyama hums, a short, still monotone sound in response, but he doesn’t say anything, so Mafuyu feels like it might be safe to continue. “I didn’t respond to Haruki because I didn’t know _how_ to respond.”

Uenoyama doesn’t respond this time, either. Mafuyu hates the silence that feels almost deafeningly loud once he stops speaking; the soundproofing in the studio definitely doesn’t help since he can’t even hear anything from the outside. Anything would be fine right now. Anything that would distract Mafuyu from hearing his own loud heartbeat.

Mafuyu wonders if he loves Yuki, still, after all this time and after everything that happened. It’s difficult to say since he hasn’t seen or talked to Yuki in almost a year. They only talked on the phone the other day for the first time since Yuki moved to Tokyo, but that doesn’t give him enough evidence to say that he doesn’t. The day he meets Yuki again when he and Given head to Tokyo for their live gig is when Mafuyu will find out whether or not he still _does_ love Yuki. Even though he wants to say with certainty that he _doesn’t_ —realistically, Mafuyu knows he can’t. It would be unfair not only to himself but to others around him, too.

“Even if I don’t know how I feel about Yuki, I do know that I’m falling in love with you, Ue.”

“You don’t know that.”

The sudden response makes Mafuyu flinch. Uenoyama refuses to look Mafuyu in the eye, and instead, he keeps his eyes trained on his clenched fists in his lap. Mafuyu hates seeing him this way, but he has no right to try and directly affect that. All he can do is settle things on his side, return to Uenoyama, and hope that it’s enough. Again, he doesn’t have any right to hope for anything with Uenoyama after this whole ordeal, but he can’t help but cling onto hope since that’s one of the few things he has left.

“I do,” Mafuyu says. “I don’t know if you feel the same way or if you did, but this is how _I_ feel. If it’s not reciprocated, I’ll learn to forget. It took me some time but I finally figured out what it is that I want, and I’m going work hard to try and earn it.”

“What _do_ you want?”

Mafuyu smiles sadly. “You. It sounds dumb and I know that, but I do.” He bows his head, and screws his eyes shut briefly. “I’m sorry for hurting you, Uenoyama. I didn’t know I did and that makes it worse because I didn’t notice.”

Silence falls between them once more, and Mafuyu wants to get up and leave. He hates how he’s counting the seconds that pass without Uenoyama responding, because it feels as if he’s counting down to when his chances have all run out. He knows it’s selfish of him to say that he wants Uenoyama after what happened, after also talking so often about Yuki. Of course that can’t be the most fun thing to have to hear about if you’re in love with someone.

The truth of the matter is that Mafuyu can’t say with certainty that Uenoyama returns his feelings, because he’s only heard bits and pieces from Haruki and Akihiko about this supposed crush and these romantic feelings of Uenoyama’s, and what ‘signs’ he’s seen may just have been wishful thinking on his part. It’d feel wrong and almost self-loving of him to say out loud that he knows or assumes that Uenoyama likes him back, so Mafuyu instead assumes nothing… or rather, the worse alternative. He’d _like_ to not assume anything, but it seems to lie within his nature to assume and expect the worst so he can’t be negatively surprised. Disappointed, sure, but not surprised.

Uenoyama opens his mouth, lowers his eyebrows into a frown, and then he closes his mouth again with an annoyed exhale through his nose. A second passes, and he tries again. “I… appreciate your apology. But I don’t know what else you expect me to say to that.”

“Nothing,” Mafuyu replies honestly. “I just wanted to tell you that—whether you accept it or not isn’t up to me but _you_. I’m telling you how I feel and what I want, and then you can do with that information as you wish.” He pauses to think about how to phrase his next statement, trying to be mindful of how he goes about this subject. “I’m going to meet my ex when we’re in Tokyo to settle things, to end things formally with him.”

“… Oh. Okay. That’s… good?”

“Yeah.” Mafuyu gets up off his stool, and he tries smiling at Uenoyama despite feeling like his heart was just thrown into the nearest bin. “I’m gonna head out. I’ll see you back here on Thursday?”

He forms it into a question because he honestly doesn’t know if Uenoyama wants to come back. It still feels like he’s walking around on eggshells in a room full of lasers, being extremely careful of what he says just in case Uenoyama runs away again. Maybe they’ll get through the gig on Saturday, but whatever comes after that is incredibly uncertain. Mafuyu fears that Uenoyama has just come back to go through with said gig, and then leave the band at the next available exit. Anything is possible.

“See you Thursday,” comes Uenoyama’s response, and Mafuyu feels more hopeful at that than he probably should.

* * *

Mafuyu has come to realise that Ugetsu has to put up with a lot when it comes to him. The comforting thing, though, is that Ugetsu doesn’t complain, doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t seem like he _doesn’t_ care. Akihiko has told him before that Ugetsu has a ‘big heart’, figuratively, being very in tune with his emotions and acutely aware of the feelings and emotions of others around him. Sometimes it’s a little hard to believe in situations where Ugetsu’s near-brutal honesty comes forth, but like with Akihiko, Mafuyu appreciates people who can _be_ that honest with him.

“I like it,” Ugetsu says once Mafuyu stops singing and his fingers still against the strings on his guitar. “Are you going to be performing this in Tokyo?”

“Yes,” Mafuyu replies. “We only managed to get it down pat just the other day, instruments syncing and… well, me nailing the lyrics.”

Ugetsu hums, leaning back against the couch. “Well, that isn’t always the easiest thing even for seasoned musicians. I’m glad I never went down that path.”

Mafuyu doesn’t have to ask why, he knows very well that Ugetsu prefers to be the one who people listen to instead of being part of a joined effort. That isn’t to say that solo musicians are selfish by any means, but people are just different that way and have different tastes. Mafuyu has been to watch Ugetsu perform before, and he knows for a fact that this is what Ugetsu is meant to do. He’s incredibly talented as shown by the many awards he’s won in competitions and how sales of his compilation albums usually go, and it feels like his talent would be watered down if he were joined by others on stage.

“So,” Ugetsu continues, turning slightly where he sits to properly face Mafuyu. “Something’s on your mind, no? Something about this upcoming concert?”

“Well… sort of,” Mafuyu says, no longer surprised that Ugetsu just shamelessly looks straight through him. “I’m going to see my ex in Tokyo.”

Ugetsu raises his eyebrows. “Oh. Did you get back together?”

“No, the opposite. I want to officially break things off with him, because I realised that we never really did that. It was just me who blocked his number and such.”

“Ah. And why is this a cause for concern?”

It shouldn’t be, right? It should be easy, since Mafuyu has made up his mind about it, or so he’d at least like to think. He knows he might very well feel differently about things once he sees Yuki again and has the opportunity to finally leave that chapter in the past where it belongs. It’s a good way for him to get closure, but that’s only if things go the way they should. Mafuyu has had enough life experiences to know that things seldom go the way people want them to even if it _is_ something you can affect.

Mafuyu fidges with the strap on his guitar slung around his shoulder and middle. “I’m worried I might change my mind when I get there. I don’t want to change my mind.”

“I don’t wanna discourage you,” Ugetsu replies as he lights a cigarette, “but there _is_ a risk involved, considering your current level of determination.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you would have said that you _won’t_ change your mind, I would’ve told you that you’ll walk out of there having said and done what you wanted to. But you’re not quite there. I’m not gonna force it out of you, because that’s all up to you. I’m just saying that there _is_ a risk, and you need to find something to strengthen that resolve if you really wanna end things off with your ex. Trust someone who’s been there.”

Of course, the two people that Mafuyu know who would be qualified to talk about this are Ugetsu and Akihiko, two people who kept going back to each other and breaking up, over and over. Love is scary, complicated, and painful—but it can also be a whole lot of positive things. Mafuyu is thankful for the fact that he can say that he’s experienced good things in terms of love, even if it often came with negatives, too.

It probably isn’t _supposed_ to be easy no matter how much one may want it to be, and Mafuyu wonders if Ugetsu may be right. Maybe he doesn’t have enough resolve to be able to see Yuki and say and do exactly as he’s thinking right now.

“Can I ask _why_ you wanna do it?”

“Huh?”

Ugetsu laughs quietly. “Why do you wanna break things off with him ‘for real’?”

“I fell in love with someone else,” Mafuyu says, and he smiles somberly as he does so, “and I want to be with him. Even though I’m not too sure the feeling’s mutual.”

“… Ah. Young love, hm.”

Mafuyu frowns, glaring at Ugetsu. “I’m really just a few years younger than you, Ugetsu.”

“I know, I’m just messing with you. Well, there’s really nothing _I_ can do but offer advice. Which I did. How you feel about him and your ex is what’s ultimately gonna determine the outcome of that meeting.”

It sounds so simple, put into words, put into sentences that only someone like Ugetsu who has all of this life experience that Mafuyu doesn’t have. Maybe it doesn’t have to be that difficult. Mafuyu knows how he feels, knows that what he had with Yuki wasn’t ultimately good for either of them and that they’re better off with other people. He also knows very well that everything he’s felt, thought, wondered, and feared in regards to Uenoyama since they first met has amounted to him falling in love. _That_ wasn’t difficult, so maybe this doesn’t have to be, either. He’ll never know for sure, but what he _does_ know is what he wants out of all of this.

And maybe that’s enough for now.

“I wish I could go watch you play live, but I’m leaving for Barcelona the Friday of that week,” Ugetsu says. “I doubt you need this, but good luck.”

Any other time, Mafuyu would’ve thought that to just be an excuse to not have to see Akihiko, but Mafuyu knows both that Ugetsu _does_ travel a lot for concerts and competitions, and he also knows that Ugetsu could still go to watch them even if it isn’t for Akihiko.

Mafuyu smiles a little. “It’s okay. Good luck to you, too.”

The last time they meet before heading to Tokyo, the air feels a little less heavy around them, but still not entirely clear. Mafuyu and his band are still able to play through their songs, he feels like he’s got the lyrics down for their songs. There’s a slight mishap at some point where Akihiko gets out of sync with the others, but after a do-over, it turns out it was just a one-time thing. It happens, and it’s no reason for them to be concerned about their performance.

Coincidentally, this day in late October is also Akihiko’s birthday. He doesn’t allow them to make a big deal out of things, though, citing the reason that they’ll have plenty to celebrate when they get back from Tokyo. It feels a little strange, and makes Mafuyu feel bad since they celebrated everyone else’s birthdays this year. But Akihiko is persistent, and there’s no changing that man’s mind once he’s decided something, so Mafuyu has no choice but to drop it.

Uenoyama doesn’t initiate conversation with Mafuyu, but at least he doesn’t flat-out ignore Mafuyu if _he_ does, which feels like some sort of progress. Mafuyu doesn’t want to push his luck, though, so he mostly just talks to Akihiko and Haruki while Uenoyama participates here and there. It’s hard to ignore the knowing and almost pitying looks he gets from them, but Mafuyu tries not to let it bother him. He’s the one who has to own up to it, and so he will, or at least try his best to.

Haruki took care of booking their hotel for the two nights they’ll be in Tokyo, and they ended up with two rooms to split between the four of them. The hotel is designed in such a way that there are essentially ‘twin rooms’ where the two rooms they’ve booked are right next to each other, and you can go through one room to get to the other, which is strange but neat. Mafuyu booked their train tickets as soon as he could to make sure they’d get to Tokyo at a decent time, and now, all they have to do is to get to Tokyo, get up on that stage, and finally play live after what feels like years.

It’s nerve-wracking but exciting at the same time, and it’s a feeling Mafuyu has sorely missed. He knows that the exhilarating feeling of being up on a stage performing in front of a crowd, no matter its size, is one of the bigger reasons why he’s still into music. It trumps so many other feelings, and it’s something else he’s really looking forward to. Before that, though, Mafuyu has to deal with the issue named Yuki Yoshida, and that is, again, a lot easier said than done.


	8. i wanna be yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The band arrives in Tokyo. The pre-determined sleeping arrangements at the hotel force Mafuyu into a situation he can't escape, and thus, he has no other choice but to try and reach out to Ritsuka.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **As a heads-up** : a non-explicit sex scene is described in this chapter. No graphic details, however.

> _Secrets I have held in my heart  
>  Are harder to hide than I thought  
> Maybe I just wanna be yours  
>  **I wanna be yours**_
> 
> _I wanna be yours  
>  Wanna be yours  
> Wanna be yours  
> Wanna be yours  
>   
> _ _\- Arctic Monkeys_

Fridays at work are a little busier than most other days, which can be nice. A lot of the time spent working at the convenience store is dead time that Mafuyu and Akihiko try to fill by either just hanging out, doing actual work-related chores like organising and stacking shelves, or occasionally not-so-discreetly playing card games by the counter. But Fridays are usually busier to the point where they _can’t_ play card games, and that helps make time pass faster, in Mafuyu’s opinion. If he’s kept busy and on his feet a lot, time usually flies by and then he’s out of work until Monday.

He receives a text message from Ugetsu, once again wishing Mafuyu and Given good luck at the live performance, and Mafuyu sends a good luck message back. It’s been a while since Mafuyu watched Ugetsu in concert, and he’s really only been that one time aside from getting a ‘private concert’ in the comfort of Ugetsu’s basement-level apartment. One day, he hopes he can attend another that isn’t out of the country.

“Alright,” Akihiko says after exhaling the smoke from his cigarette. “I need you to not freak out about what I’m gonna say.”

They’re standing outside the supermarket, having just handed over the baton to the night shift workers. As is often the case, Akihiko is going to give Mafuyu a ride back home, which is always appreciated, mostly because it saves Mafuyu money on the bus and train fare. It obviously also takes a lot less time, which is a bonus. Mafuyu can’t see himself really driving a car, much less ride a motorcycle or even a moped on his own. It’d certainly be convenient, but owning a vehicle introduces extra costs and more stuff to think about. Maybe one day, but certainly not anytime soon.

He glances at Akihiko beside him. “Okay. What is it?”

“Well, it’s about the hotel stay in Shibuya.” Akihiko scratches the back of his neck with the nail on his index finger, turning his gaze to the side. Mafuyu wonders why Akihiko would be hesitant about talking about this if he’s already decided on doing it to begin with. “I’m gonna be rooming with Haru.”

Mafuyu blows a raspberry, rolling his eyes. “Well, that much is obvious.”

But only after he’s said it does it slowly dawn on Mafuyu what that actually means, and his eyes widen as said realisation properly lands. He turns his head to face Akihiko so fast it’s almost dizzying, and as expected, Akihiko looks like he’s scared Mafuyu’s going to yell at him.

“Wait. Wait, no. _No_ , Akihiko.”

“… Sorry.”

“Why can’t we just switch?”

Akihiko smiles awkwardly. “I mean, we _could_ , but… you know.”

“So you’d rather things be weird in the band possibly when we get up on stage?”

“See, this is why you don’t date band mem—”

“Like _you’re_ one to talk,” Mafuyu bites back. “You and Haruki are the last people I wanna hear that from.”

If he hadn’t thought of it before, revealing this information to Uenoyama is sure to make him leave the band as soon as they get back from Tokyo—if not sooner than that. What if Uenoyama thinks this is all Mafuyu’s idea, if Mafuyu’s trying to use this opportunity to force Uenoyama to like him back? Anything is possible at this point considering how Mafuyu handled things from the start, and things will definitely get worse now without him being able to affect it whatsoever.

Why the hell can’t Akihiko and Haruki at least _try_ to help make things less awkward in the band? Don’t they want Uenoyama to stick around? Akihiko is obviously aware of how risky this entire operation is, so why doesn’t he offer to stay in the same room as one of them, making the other stay with Haruki? Sure, they’ve only been dating for a couple of months 0and might still be in the honeymoon phase where they’ll want to be together at all times if possible, but doesn’t friendship count for anything?

Akihiko makes a noise that doesn’t quite make it past his throat, and he complements it with a grimace. “I know. Listen, if it gets _really_ bad, you can always just knock on our door, and we’ll… sort it out. But I think you guys could take this opportunity to patch things up between you.”

Mafuyu gives Akihiko an unimpressed look. “That’s why you decided on that particular type of hotel, huh.”

“Don’t overthink it; of course it wasn’t. Haruki thought it’d just be cool since we’d be literally right next to each other, but neither of us were thinking of your difficult situation with Uenoyama until it was already booked.”

It really shouldn’t have to be such a big issue that it borders on being a deal breaker, but it is. The worst kind of scenario happened, and it was so easily avoidable, too. Had Mafuyu only been a little bit more aware of his surroundings, had he sorted his stuff out with Yuki earlier, all of this wouldn’t have become as big of an issue as it now is. So it probably just makes sense that he has to deal with it at its worst point considering all of that.

Akihiko takes Mafuyu home on his motorcycle, and when he’s left, Mafuyu trudges back up to his apartment with heavy footsteps. He has to be up early for the train to Tokyo, and while he’s looking forward to the trip and the concert, he’s _not_ looking forward to Uenoyama’s reaction to the hotel room arrangements.

* * *

Mafuyu’s only been to Tokyo a handful of times in his life despite living relatively close to the capital. His mother’s taken him to see the Tokyo Sky Tree and many other touristy things; he walked through the crowded streets of Akihabara’s fashion district with friends once or twice, and the most recent time he remembers being in Tokyo was with Yuki. It feels ironic, like coming full circle, now that Mafuyu’s going to see Yuki in Tokyo, but not for the reasons one would probably believe.

He spends most of the train ride listening to Given’s instrumentals on his phone in preparation for the performance tomorrow, Mafuyu probably being the only one who benefits from doing that since he’s singing. Even though he’s also playing the guitar, they’re obviously two guitarists, and the lyrics are the most important part for Mafuyu to remember. If he screws up his guitar playing, that won’t be as noticeable as him forgetting the lyrics. Besides, singing is the difficult part—he _knows_ how to play his part in their songs.

Akihiko had taken it upon himself to let Uenoyama know about the hotel room arrangements, and he took it about the same way Mafuyu had imagined he would. Shortly before they all met up, Mafuyu had gotten a text message from Uenoyama that further cemented his opinion on the whole thing.

[ **Uenoyama, Ritsuka** : _you can take the bed. i’m sleeping on the couch, if there is one._ ]

He doesn’t specify what he’ll do if there _isn’t_ a couch in the room, but Mafuyu doesn’t send a reply back to ask for it. Instead, he just tries to will away the pain following the sting to his heart brought on by that text message. It isn’t unexpected, but it still hurts, and Mafuyu hates that he can’t do anything about it.

When they arrive at Shibuya station, the band walk the rest of the way to their hotel to leave their bags in the rooms. Akihiko hasn’t been in Shibuya before, so he’s the most excited to walk around and see things. Haruki and Uenoyama, however, aren’t as excited about the thought of it, but Mafuyu thinks it could be a good way for him to clear his head before tomorrow, so he offers to go with Akihiko while the others do something else. In a strange way, Mafuyu’s relieved, because if he and Uenoyama would’ve been left to their own devices if Haruki and Akihiko had decided on doing something together, Mafuyu would bet money on the fact that Uenoyama would leave him to do something on his own.

But instead, Mafuyu and Akihiko go out to get lunch, they visit a shrine, walk through a small part of Yoyogi Park, and they _don’t_ visit a pachinko parlour despite Akihiko’s less-than-half serious suggestion that they should. Mafuyu’s never been inside one and he plans on keeping it that way. Much like what he’s seen of casinos in America, pachinko parlours are dark, depressing, and usually full of depressed men who don’t have anything better to do with their lives.

“I could never live in a densely populated area like this,” Akihiko says, and he shudders. “There’s just… people _everywhere_. You can’t catch a fucking break.”

Mafuyu huffs a quiet laugh. “And you can’t avoid people who bump into you, either.”

“Yeah! It’s nice to visit, but that’s about it. Wouldn’t wanna live here.”

“I bet it sucks for the locals with tourists all over the place.”

Akihiko shrugs. “That probably goes for every tourist location.”

“Mmm, probably.”

As touristy as it is, it’s still a nice break from their everyday lives. Mafuyu hasn’t taken a proper break from work in a while, and he doesn’t have the kind of strenuous job that would prompt him to use his vacation days every now and then. Now that he’s done that, though, it feels good to be away from work if even just for an extra day aside from the weekend. He hopes that things take off for them properly so that they can one day live off of their music, but they still have quite a long way to go before they get there. Just the idea of ‘someday’ is motivation enough for Mafuyu, though.

When the day blends into evening, Mafuyu and Akihiko meet up with the other two for dinner, after which they head to a nearby bar for a few beers. With emphasis on a few, since they _are_ still performing tomorrow. Mafuyu knows that Haruki is weaker to alcohol than him and the others, which will be reason enough for Haruki to force them all to end the evening off earlier than they normally would.

“Feels strange now that it’s just around the corner, huh?” Haruki asks. “I almost feel like a kid on the night before Christmas.”

Akihiko snort-laughs. “Good analogy. It’s gonna be great to perform live again. Even if we screw up—who cares? It’s not a competition, we’re just here to have fun.”

It’s true, there’s no point in them being too nervous about something that’s really just a way for them to get out there and have fun while performing music again. Competitions are different, and had they been just a day from one such event, the air around them would’ve been a lot more tense. But since that isn’t the case, Mafuyu tells himself to relax his shoulders, to not worry about it, and just let things happen on their own.

The sky has been pitch dark for a while when the four of them leave the bar to head back to the hotel. It’s been a good day spent wisely during a rather short trip, so Mafuyu’s satisfied. None of them know when they’ll be able to perform live again, so this is certainly something to treasure and remember, no matter the outcome. Mafuyu already wants to try and look for further opportunities for them to play live, to spread their name and music out there, because he really wants things to take off. This is what he wants to do, music is what he lives for, and ultimately wants to live off of, too.

He walks alongside Uenoyama on the way back to the hotel, right behind Haruki and Akihiko who are quietly conversing amongst themselves. Mafuyu glances at Uenoyama by his side, and for a brief moment to Mafuyu’s surprise, Uenoyama meets his gaze. Mafuyu doesn’t dare hold it, though, and looks down at the ground beneath his feet as they finally end up outside the hotel.

“Do we wanna get up for the hotel breakfast or get something outside?”

Uenoyama groans, making a grimace. “I’d rather not get up early if I’m on vacation. We don’t play until later at night, anyway.”

“I agree,” Akihiko says.

“Fair point,” Haruki replies to them both with a smile. “A brunch, then? How about we meet outside the hotel at eleven?”

They settle for brunch and the meeting time before saying good night and heading into their rooms. The second the door closes behind Mafuyu and Uenoyama, Mafuyu feels his heartrate spike again. Uenoyama heads inside before him, taking his shoes off at the door and venturing further inside. Slowly, Mafuyu regains his senses, and heads on inside, too, and he quickly casts a glance at Uenoyama who has already made himself comfortable on the couch which he’ll apparently be sleeping on tonight. He’s taken out his phone, and seems to be scrolling through something, probably news or social media.

Mafuyu stops outside the bathroom door and realises that he should probably do the polite thing and ask before just going in. “Do… uh, do you wanna use the bathroom first?”

“Go ahead,” is Uenoyama’s clipped response, and Mafuyu nods once before he goes into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

There’s a whole slew of emotions and thoughts going through Mafuyu’s head, so many that he can barely keep a track of them individually. He’s going to be sleeping in the same room as Uenoyama, and under normal circumstances if he _hadn’t_ pissed off Uenoyama to begin with, his nervousness about the whole situation could’ve been joined by a feeling of excitement. But all of that excitement he _could’ve_ had is instead replaced with some sort of dread over the whole circumstance, and it sucks. He’s still in that room full of lasers treading carefully around eggshells, and it’s only a matter of time before he either breaks an eggshell or gets in the way of a laser beam.

Mafuyu takes a quick shower, and then brushes his teeth. He dries his hair with a towel after getting dressed in an oversized t-shirt and boxers, making relatively quick work of getting his hair dry to the point where it won’t make his pillow damp. Mafuyu normally doesn’t sleep in a shirt, just underwear, but he obviously can’t just waltz out of the bathroom wearing what he usually does for bed since… well, he’s in the same room as someone whom he hasn’t shared a room with before.

He thinks about the concept of it all, and swallows hard when his mind gets tempted to start wandering off to places it shouldn’t. Mafuyu feels bad for thinking this way when the situation between him and Uenoyama is as far away from that as it could come, but he really can’t help it since he _is_ attracted to Uenoyama, after all, and they _are_ going to sleep in the same room merely a few metres apart. If only he hadn’t been an idiot, if only things would’ve just proceeded like they should have, things could’ve been so very different.

Mafuyu sighs with frustration as he tries to will his annoying thoughts away, and then he braces himself for walking out of the bathroom. He looks at himself in the bathroom mirror, takes a deep breath, and then he turns around to exit. There’s nowhere for him to hide unless he locks himself up in the bathroom, but that would be unfair to Uenoyama. He’s an adult and has been for a few years, so maybe he should start acting like one and stop running away from his problems.

Uenoyama has turned on the TV in their room by the time Mafuyu comes out, but as far as Mafuyu can see, he isn’t entirely interested in what’s airing. It’s made more obvious when Uenoyama with no issue gets up off the couch, leaving the TV on as he heads into the bathroom after Mafuyu. Mafuyu, however, isn’t interested in having the TV on as background noise, so he turns it off. He wonders if Uenoyama left it on just in case Mafuyu himself would’ve wanted to watch something. The truth is that Mafuyu rarely ever watches TV since he can never find anything interesting to watch, and he hates it when people have a TV on for background noise.

Instead of watching something on TV that probably won’t interest him anyway, Mafuyu gets in bed. He spends a few minutes on his phone browsing various social media platforms scrolling and tapping around, but then he connects his phone to a charger and places it on the nightstand next to the side of the bed he’s chosen. The bed is huge for just one person, and it makes it feel strange. Empty. Mafuyu feels bad about hogging it all to himself, but to be fair, Uenoyama had practically insisted on taking the couch for whatever reason, and Mafuyu definitely didn’t want to protest since he knows it’d be like throwing petrol over an already raging fire.

Mafuyu winces at the sound of the door to the bathroom opening. He’d just about fallen asleep when the sound startled him awake, and now, Mafuyu’s heart beats so fast and loudly that he hears it pounding in his ears. He doesn’t move, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to pretend like he’s asleep just in case. _Just in case_ , his naïve, hopeful heart tells him.

Footsteps are heard around the room as Uenoyama is most likely getting ready for bed. Well, if he’s to stay true to his words from earlier, Uenoyama will be sleeping on the _couch_ rather than the bed, despite Mafuyu’s attempts at changing his mind. Again, it’s all up to Uenoyama to decide what he wants to do, and Mafuyu can do nothing but accept it.

He almost jumps out of his skin when he feels the weight of the bed dip as Uenoyama sits down on the other side. Mafuyu holds his breath, and when Uenoyama crawls in under the duvet as physically far away from Mafuyu as possible, Mafuyu exhales slowly. It’s a strange feeling, because Uenoyama still chose the bed over the couch even though he’s trying to lie as far away from Mafuyu as he can without falling off.

“Haruki told me you’re seeing your ex tomorrow before the live.”

Mafuyu’s heart nearly falls out of his chest through his ribcage. He swallows hard, fighting against the urge to explain his motives for meeting up with Yuki. “Yeah.”

“You haven’t seen him since he moved, right?”

“… No, I haven’t.”

This is awful. Mafuyu wants to jump out of bed and run out of the room, but he feels like he’s almost bolted down to the mattress, unable to escape this atmosphere that feels like it’s smothering him.

“Does he know why you’re meeting up with him?”

What kind of a question _is_ that? Mafuyu searches frantically through his brain for a reason as to why Uenoyama would ask this in the first place. Obviously he’s heard practically all there is to know from Haruki, maybe Akihiko, too, so if he _knows_ all there is to know, this question is just strange. Mafuyu really doesn’t want to overthink it, but it’s difficult _not_ to when he hasn’t spoken to Uenoyama properly in almost two weeks. They went from talking regularly every day to radio silence, and the difference was so jarring that now that Uenoyama _is_ talking to Mafuyu again, of course he’s going to cling to every word.

“I didn’t tell him why, so I don’t think he does.” Mafuyu hesitates, chewing on his lower lip. Eggshells and lasers. “Do you think I should’ve told him?”

“I probably wouldn’t have. So I can’t say.”

“Okay.”

Uenoyama goes quiet, and Mafuyu is slightly disappointed it didn’t last longer than that, but he’s also thankful for the fact that they talked at _all_. How are things even going to look when they get up on that stage tomorrow? Will people in the audience be able to tell that there’s an issue between an entire half of the band? They’ve managed to keep syncing up with each other when they’ve rehearsed their songs at the studio, but what if one of them screws up during the real deal? It _is_ just supposed to be something they do for fun, it isn’t a contest—but Mafuyu still wants them to do as well as he _knows_ they can.

“Satou?”

The sound of Uenoyama’s voice suddenly breaking the silence of the room snaps Mafuyu out of his thoughts of worry, and he draws a breath. “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

Mafuyu turns his head, but all he can see in the corner of his eye is the back of Uenoyama’s head. “… Sorry? For what?”

“I didn’t stay away entirely because of… because of you,” Uenoyama replies in a low voice, almost so low that Mafuyu has to move closer. But he’s too afraid to do so. “I had to sort out some stuff.”

“Okay. I’m just glad you came back. Even if you’re not staying.”

“What?”

Mafuyu really has nothing to lose at this point, so he might as well just vent his thoughts and worries. “In the band, I mean. I wouldn’t blame you. Stuff like this just… complicates things. And I’m sorry for adding to that.”

“I wasn’t planning on leaving in the first place. I just needed some time away, is all.” Mafuyu hears a rustle in the duvet, feels the weight on the bed shift again slightly. “Did you think I’d wanna leave?”

“I was afraid you would. I don’t _want_ you to, but I’d understand it.”

He flinches when a warm hand is placed gently against his back, and Mafuyu’s breath stutters at the unexpected touch. Now he understands what the shuffling was about—Uenoyama turned to lay on his right side. Which means he’s facing Mafuyu’s back. Mafuyu swallows hard, closing his eyes as Uenoyama speaks up again.

“Well, I’m not gonna leave Given. I want to stay.”

“… Good.”

_I want you to stay, too_.

Mafuyu clenches a fist. He needs to stop thinking these things and just _say_ them instead, because he’s well aware now of how keeping stuff to himself causes rifts between him and others. He doesn’t want to make that mistake again, he wants to make things right. And again, Mafuyu has nothing to lose, so he might as well lay all of his cards on the table.

“I want you to stay, too,” he whispers finally, and when the words are out there, he’s taken by surprise as the hand on his back moves up to his shoulder instead, and Uenoyama pulls him so that Mafuyu instead lies on his back. He blinks in surprise, once, and then Uenoyama’s lips are pressed against his.

It feels like time stops moving in that moment, like Mafuyu and Uenoyama are the only ones in the world. They technically could be, because it’s just the two of them in that hotel room with just a wall separating them from Akihiko and Haruki, but it certainly feels like it’s just the two of them and no one else. And Mafuyu wants it to stay that way for as long as possible. Nothing lasts, everything is fleeting, and the reality of it can be scary. Things change in the blink of an eye, but right now, time stands still, and things stay unchanging.

A sigh escapes through his nose, and Mafuyu slings his arms around Uenoyama’s neck to keep him close as he adjusts his position a little better. It seems like Uenoyama takes that as a sign to continue, because he moves to lie practically right on top of Mafuyu, which makes Mafuyu feel a wave of heat surge throughout his body. He cranes his neck slightly, taking the liberty to deepen the kiss as he carefully slides his tongue past Uenoyama’s lips. Uenoyama reciprocates, though he initially seems surprised, and his left hand moves to slide in under Mafuyu’s shirt, along his abdomen and up his chest.

Mafuyu’s heart flutters with the greediness Uenoyama shows more and more of. It reassures him that he can be greedy, too, that maybe Uenoyama won’t run away now that they’ve come this far in what feels like the blink of an eye. It isn’t anything Mafuyu minds, though; everything leading up to tonight felt like forever, so he feels like this… whatever it is… is fine. More than fine.

His skin tingles when it makes direct contact with Uenoyama’s as they’ve shed their t-shirts, and he shudders when Uenoyama’s hands caress his torso, moving down to let two fingers hook on each side of Mafuyu’s boxers, lingering right by his hipbones. Mafuyu mirrors the action, wanting more, more contact, more of Uenoyama, more of this moment between just the two of them. He feels happier than he has in a long time, feels light, as if he could be floating.

Mafuyu lets himself indulge, and Uenoyama lets him, too. In return, Uenoyama shows Mafuyu what he’s been holding back from doing these past months since they first met, and it makes Mafuyu’s heart ache with adoration for this man, for Uenoyama. No, for Ritsuka. ‘Uenoyama’ feels distant, not personal enough. Would Ritsuka, would Uenoyama, mind if Mafuyu called him by first name?

“Ritsuka,” he breathes, “ _Ritsuka_.”

It stirs up some sort of reaction in him, because Ritsuka captures Mafuyu’s lips in a kiss, letting out what almost sounds like an impatient growl right before their lips meet once more. Mafuyu thinks to himself that Ritsuka _doesn’t_ mind being called by his first name, and he’s glad he tried, because now he knows.

Something Mafuyu realises about Ritsuka is that he is very good at expressing himself through gestures, movements, and physical touch, and it’s something he would’ve never realised had they never gotten to this point. There’s a lot of touching, caressing, fingertips exploring skin—and Mafuyu feels like he could get drunk on it alone. It’s different and it’s new, and it makes Mafuyu feel happy in a way he hasn’t felt in a while.

Mafuyu leans down to plant a half-sloppy kiss to Ritsuka’s lips before he lies down next to him, and he lets out a long sigh. On top of the duvet, Ritsuka’s fingers find his, and they intertwine.

“Hey, Mafuyu?”

Mafuyu lets his eyelids slip shut, and he smiles to himself. It’s a small, silly thing, probably, but he really liked hearing Ritsuka say his name. “Yeah?”

Ritsuka lifts their intertwined hands, pressing soft kisses to Mafuyu’s fingers. When he doesn’t say anything for a while, Mafuyu turns his head to look at Ritsuka, whose eyebrows are lowered in what looks like a conflicted expression. Mafuyu gently pulls Ritsuka’s hand towards himself instead, mirroring the action Ritsuka had performed just a minute ago, kissing Ritsuka’s fingers.

“What is it?” he coaxes softly.

“Come back to me.”

Mafuyu’s breath hitches in his throat, and tears begin to prickle at his eyes. Ritsuka finally turns his head to face Mafuyu, and when he does, Mafuyu tightens his grip on Ritsuka’s hand ever so slightly. He will work his damn hardest make this work out, because he doesn’t want to let Ritsuka go. Not now that he finally has Ritsuka here, with him. It hasn’t been very long, but it’s definitely been an eventful journey so far, and it’s one Mafuyu wants to continue for as long as possible.

He remembers a quote he’d read somewhere once, maybe on social media. ‘ _Don’t look back, you’re not going that way._ ’ There’s nothing left for him to revisit in the past, all he wants to do is get closure so he can move on without the risk of constantly being trapped by some element of his past. It would end up hurting Ritsuka in the end, and Mafuyu has already done that, even before they got to where they are now. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake again where it would be caused by him not having properly moved on, but he wants to do that now. He _has_ to, for himself, and for Ritsuka.

“I promise,” Mafuyu whispers, and he moves in closer to Ritsuka. “I want you to be my future, Ritsuka.”

Ritsuka leans in for a kiss, and Mafuyu feels Ritsuka smile against his lips before they part. “Good, because I want to be, as I want you to be mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [to the tune of "[Panic Station](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcuMa23mhHM)" by Muse] We've arrived at Mafuyama station~ ♪


	9. madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mafuyu finally deals with his past in order to have the future he wants, and later, Given perform live for the first time with Mafuyu at the front as their vocalist.

> _I tried so hard to let you go  
>  But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole  
> I have finally seen the light  
> I have finally realised what you mean_
> 
> **_Now I need to know, is this real love?  
>  Or is it just madness keeping us afloat?_ ** _  
> When I look back at all the crazy fights we had  
>  Like some kind of madness was taking control  
> Now I have finally seen the light  
> And I have finally realised what you need  
>   
> _ _\- Muse_

Mafuyu does _not_ appreciate the knowing looks and smirks directed both towards him and Ritsuka the next morning. He knows they weren’t making much noise at all since they knew the rooms aren’t soundproof, so there’s no way they heard anything. But Akihiko and Haruki have known for a while about Mafuyu’s growing feelings, and the same probably goes for Ritsuka’s. Akihiko _did_ mention that he’d talked to Ritsuka fairly recently about the situation more accurately described as an emotional train-wreck. Thankfully, they’ve mostly ironed it out now… and it’s apparently very obvious.

Maybe the first hint is that he and Ritsuka are talking again. Another maybe bigger hint is how they now refer to each other by first names, which just happens naturally after they crossed that threshold last night. So maybe Akihiko and Haruki didn’t have to hear Mafuyu and Ritsuka having sex last night, it’s definitely obvious otherwise. It _would_ feel strange to go back to the way they were up until just yesterday before night fell—it would be like trying to act in a play, and Mafuyu knows he wouldn’t be a good actor.

Well, so much for secrecy.

[ **You** : _when and where can you meet? i have to be at the venue at 4._ ]

“I’m impressed. I didn’t think you’d reconcile with Ue that quickly.”

Mafuyu shoves his phone back into the pocket in the front of his hoodie, and he huffs. “Neither did I.”

“So you’re all good? No more beef?”

They’re back at the hotel for now, hanging out for a bit before they’ll head on over to the music venue. Of course, in Mafuyu’s case he has a pit stop to make before he can join the others, but he wants to make sure it doesn’t take long. It doesn’t _have_ to take long. It’s just a way for him and Yuki to _actually_ break up, and maybe iron things out to the point where they can part on neutral terms. Mafuyu doesn’t know if he’d be interested in staying friends with Yuki, but he assumes time will tell, or the situation he’ll find himself in soon.

Ritsuka and Haruki are sitting across the room that Haruki and Akihiko share, and they’re going over a few of the songs on their setlist for tonight, playing their respective instruments while Haruki occasionally hums, too. Mafuyu thinks Haruki could’ve very well been their new vocalist, too, because he has a really nice voice. Haruki, however, isn’t comfortable with that kind of attention, so maybe that wouldn’t be a good idea. Mafuyu doesn’t know just yet how he’ll feel about singing in front of more than just a handful of people, but he’ll find out tonight. So far, he’s excited, so that’s a good start.

“Well, we _did_ reconcile. But we’re not completely out of the woods yet.”

Akihiko hums. “It’s a start, at least.”

Mafuyu’s phone buzzes, and he takes it out to read Yuki’s response.

[ **Yoshida, Yuki** : _just got back to my hotel. should i come to yours or the other way around?_ ]

_Hotel_? Seems a bit unnecessary if he lives in the area, even if it’s halfway across Tokyo. The train system here is incredibly efficient and it makes Mafuyu jealous, because the public transport where he and the other band members of Given live is… lacklustre, to put it nicely. Like Akihiko, Mafuyu wouldn’t want to live in the capital because of how crowded every place seems to be, but if he _did_ live here, at least getting places would be relatively quick and painless even without a car.

[ **You** : _i can come to your hotel. which one and what room number?_ ]

Shortly thereafter, Mafuyu receives an address and a room number, and he gets up from the armchair he’d gotten comfortable in. Next to him, Akihiko looks up from his phone.

“Time to go?”

“Yeah.”

“… Good luck. I trust you’ve made your decision already.”

Mafuyu holds back an annoyed sigh. He knows Akihiko just wants the best for all of them, and Mafuyu definitely doesn’t want to put Ritsuka through more suffering than he’s already had to endure. Ritsuka deserves better, and Mafuyu wants to be the one he deserves.

“Of course I have.” He walks over to where Ritsuka and Haruki are sitting, and he leans down to give Ritsuka a quick peck on the cheek, but he lingers there, and lowers his voice. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Ritsuka nods, and he gets up to follow Mafuyu back into their hotel room instead where they can talk in private. As soon as they’ve closed the door behind them and are sure Haruki and Akihiko can’t immediately hear them, Mafuyu heads straight into Ritsuka’s embrace. He sighs when Ritsuka tightens his embrace around him, and he closes his eyes.

“I don’t wanna go,” he says. “I wish I could skip out on this and pretend like it’s all over and done with, but I can’t. I’m nervous but I shouldn’t be, and this just really sucks.”

He feels Ritsuka kiss him atop the head, and so far, that must mean Ritsuka isn’t too uncomfortable with the idea of Mafuyu going back to see his ex. “Maybe it’s just something you can’t control. I don’t know what I can say to help, Mafuyu, but I wish I did.”

Mafuyu shakes his head. “It’s okay. I just… want you to know that I’m keeping my promise. I’m coming back to you no matter what.”

Ritsuka places two fingers under Mafuyu’s chin, prompting Mafuyu to look up. He’s met with Ritsuka’s beautiful, dark blue eyes, and he falls in love once more at the sight that greets him. It isn’t just about the eyes, it’s about the expression in them, about the slightly concerned crease between Ritsuka’s eyebrows. It makes Mafuyu’s heart ache, and it strengthens his resolve even further to follow through with his promise.

“Good,” Ritsuka says, and he leans in close. “I’ll wait for you.”

They kiss, and Mafuyu wants to linger there, but he also wants to get this business with Yuki over as soon as possible, so he pulls away, and when Ritsuka heads back into Haruki and Akihiko’s room, Mafuyu grabs his necessities, puts on his coat, and heads out through the door to his and Ritsuka’s room into the hotel corridor. As he heads down the corridor towards the lift, Mafuyu calls for a taxi, and he doesn’t have to wait very long outside the hotel before his ride arrives. Upon entering the taxi, he tells his driver the address of the hotel he’s headed towards, and then he leans back in the seat with a quiet sigh.

Things changed so drastically over the course of a year between him and Yuki that it feels like it’s been a lot longer than just twelve months. Yuki moved to Tokyo, The Seasons recruited Ritsuka and became Given, they replaced the vocalist with a pre-existing member, Mafuyu fell in love again, and now Given are mere hours away from their first live performance after reforming the band. He briefly wonders if Yuki has experienced a similar drastic change since moving, but quickly bats the thought away as it doesn’t matter to him, anyway.

It’s about a five minute drive and comes to a cheap fare, so Mafuyu doesn’t mind taking a taxi back to his own hotel when he’s done here. As he steps out of the taxi, he looks up at the hotel building towering in front of him, and he lets out a low whistle. He has a sneaking suspicion as to why Yuki’s staying in a hotel, and a hotel like _this_ one at that, but he assumes he’ll have those suspicions confirmed soon.

The lift up to the floor where Yuki has his hotel room takes an agonisingly long amount of time, or that’s what it feels like. Mafuyu swallows hard, and he hates that his heartrate has gone up since entering through the automatic doors of the hotel and walking through the lobby. He doesn’t want to be nervous, he wants to feel like this isn’t a big deal, because it isn’t supposed to be. If only they had properly broken up a year ago, this wouldn’t have been necessary. Mafuyu could’ve kept Yuki’s number blocked, and they wouldn’t have had to talk again.

He gets out of the lift, and counts the room numbers as he looks at the plates by the doors. Mafuyu wonders if Yuki’s staying at a hotel because they’re on tour or something; that’d definitely explain it considering all of the members of The Liberated live in Tokyo. Mafuyu obviously hasn’t met the others, but he’s heard more than he ever needed to know from Haruki and Akihiko. Finally stopping outside the room number Yuki had sent him, Mafuyu takes a deep breath, and he raps his knuckles against the door a few times.

The door opens shortly, and Mafuyu’s breath hitches as his eyes meet with Yuki’s.

“Mafuyu…”

“Can I come in?”

The sooner he can leave here, the better. The less time spent here, the smaller the risk is for him to make another mistake. He’s already made up his mind, changing it now would mean it’d become permanent. Because there’s no way Ritsuka would ever forgive him especially if he’s gone so far as to make a promise to return to Ritsuka when this is all over.

Yuki takes a step back, and he nods. “Yeah… of course.”

Walking inside, Mafuyu loosens his left fist that he didn’t even know he’d tightened in the first place. He notices that Yuki has kept the same kind of hairstyle and dye as he’s had for as long as Mafuyu’s known him. It looks good, as hard as that is to admit.

Mafuyu kicks off his shoes, and follows Yuki further inside while keeping his jacket on since he won’t be here long. He doesn’t know just yet what he feels about the fact that nothing seems to have changed with Yuki; he knows it shouldn’t matter to him as it doesn’t concern him, but after years of having known and being romantically and sexually involved with the guy, Mafuyu can’t help but feel… something. Whatever it is, he doesn’t like it.

“I’m guessing you’re on tour?” he asks. Yuki turns around again, and Mafuyu barely resists flinching at the look on Yuki’s face.

“You’re not here to make small-talk. I know why you’re here.”

“Good,” Mafuyu says. Then I might just as well—”

He’s interrupted by a surprised gasp that leaves him, and before Mafuyu knows it, Yuki pulls him into his embrace. Mafuyu freezes up, but the familiar scent of Yuki makes his heart ache, and he lifts his arms to return the gesture before he comes to his senses. This isn’t what he’s here for.

“Let me go!” Mafuyu exclaims. “I didn’t come here to reconcile with you.”

“I wanted to see you.”

Mafuyu opens his mouth again, but he doesn’t know what to say. The raw emotion in Yuki’s voice cuts him like a knife—deeply, painfully, and it happens so fast he could’ve never seen it coming. Tears prickle at his eyes, and no matter how hard Mafuyu tries to fight them, tries to blink them away, it doesn’t help. He has no choice but to let his tears fall and stain Yuki’s shirt, but he only allows himself to do so for a moment. The longer he stays, the more difficult it’ll be to let go and leave.

“I’m only here to break things off properly,” Mafuyu says, but there isn’t a whole lot of conviction in his voice no matter how much he wants there to be. He squeezes his eyes shut briefly, and then forcibly pushes Yuki away from him. “I can’t go back to you.”

“Why? Why can’t we just try again?”

Mafuyu exhales. “I’m in love with someone else.”

Now that he’s said it, Mafuyu knows there’s no going back. He doesn’t _want_ to go back, this is how things have to happen. Even so, it still hurts him to have to say that, and to see the expression on Yuki’s face as the words have been uttered. Life is often unfair, and this could be one of those cases. But Mafuyu knows this is the best for the both of them—they have to move on from each other because they aren’t _good_ for each other. They’ll continue to hamper each other’s growth even if it isn’t done intentionally, and they’ll eventually just become more and more unhappy.

Besides, Mafuyu _is_ in love with someone else. He’s found someone who can and is willing to give him what he wants and needs, and Mafuyu is more than ready to return that and then some. As much as he wishes that this whole thing had been handled in a better way, he can’t go back and fix it now. All he can do is try and mend things as well as he can given the circumstances.

Yuki furrows his eyebrows slightly, and he takes a step back. “You found someone else.”

“I did.”

“But we hadn’t even broken up, Mafuyu.”

Mafuyu huffs a dry laugh. “I’m pretty sure that counted as a break-up. I told you I didn’t wanna do a long-distance relationship—what more do you need?”

“Then why did you come here? To gloat in my misery?! If we’d already broken up, you didn’t have to come see me to tell me again.”

“Because I didn’t end it the way I should have back then,” Mafuyu says. “I may have hated you at some point, but I… now I just want to—”

“It’s for your own self-satisfaction, just say it is,” Yuki replies bitterly, and he lets out a humourless laugh that pisses Mafuyu off.

“Quit trying to put words in my mouth if you don’t even know it’s right!” Mafuyu retorts, raising his voice with the anger that wells up within him. “If you wanna be mad at me, then go ahead. I can’t stop you, I can’t even _blame_ you. But I wanted to end things properly. Not just for my sake, but yours, too.”

Yuki glares at Mafuyu, but then he sighs, and he shrugs. “I can’t change your mind anyway, if you’ve already moved on. Maybe it’s for the best, like you said.”

Even though Mafuyu agrees, it’s still painful to hear Yuki say those words, too. It sounds final, as it should be, and it just feels strange. Again, had they done this properly a year ago, it wouldn’t have had to come to this point. They wouldn’t have had to do this today, but here they are, still. Maybe Yuki is right, in a way, that Mafuyu’s here partially for his own self-satisfaction, so he can feel better about himself and how _he’s_ leaving things behind him.

Breakups _are_ one-sided and selfish when they aren’t a mutual decision. This definitely wasn’t, starting from when Yuki had decided to leave The Seasons and move away, until now when Mafuyu’s ending things officially between them. Maybe it’s a good way to describe how they’ve been towards each other up until now, acting on their own selfish desires and doing what’s best for themselves and not for them both. Continuing down a path like that would just make it a whole lot worse for both Yuki _and_ Mafuyu, so this… this is for the best.

“I’m sorry,” Mafuyu says, voice merely a whisper at this point. “I’m sorry, Yuki.”

Yuki sheds his defensive, angered demeanour, and this time when he walks forward to take Mafuyu into his arms, Mafuyu doesn’t resist. He knows they can’t go back to being just friends, because that would just mean a constant worry that they fall back into old habits. And now that Mafuyu has fallen in love with someone else, with Ritsuka, he can’t afford to take that risk. At some point in the future when they’ve had enough time to let thinks sink in and their emotions have faded, maybe then could they have a chance at being friends like they used to be.

“Mafuyu,” Yuki exhales shakily. “I… I’m sorry, too.”

Mafuyu can’t do anything but nod, because his words won’t come out verbally. To be fair, nothing he says will change this outcome, nothing he says will magically make things better. It happened the way it did, and now all they can do is try to move past it, even if it isn’t together.

_Tell me, how am I supposed to close the door on this love?_

For now, Mafuyu knows this is the last time he’ll see Yuki in person, the last time he’ll be enveloped in Yuki’s embrace and scent. Realising it makes his tears fall again, and he hugs Yuki back, tight, fisting at the fabric at Yuki’s back. He feels Yuki tremble, and it makes this whole thing even more difficult, knowing Yuki hurts as much as he does. Despite his prior decision to make this as quick and painless as possible, being in the moment right now is far more difficult than he’d imagined. Knowing that, once he walks out the door, Mafuyu can’t and won’t turn back—makes it even more difficult to let go.

_You’ll always be here inside me._

_Even though I wasn’t able to say goodbye, as I move forward, you’ll always be here with me_.

But he has to, for his sake, for Yuki’s, for Ritsuka’s. So as he pulls away, and even though Yuki steals a kiss that Mafuyu lets him have, he knows it _is_ the last one. So maybe that’s okay.

Mafuyu doesn’t say anything as he turns around again, putting his shoes back on; Yuki doesn’t follow him, either. Opening a door has never been this difficult, but the even harder part will be to close it behind him as Mafuyu leaves Yuki behind that closed door. He forces himself to think about what and who awaits him when he gets back to his own hotel, what he partially came here for in the first place. _Ritsuka_.

With this in mind, Mafuyu takes a deep breath, and he opens the door. It feels like ripping off a band-aid; the faster he does it, the less he’ll have to deal with the residual pain. So when he’s opened the door, he quickly steps out, and closes it behind him as he ignores the way it feels like his heart breaks into a million pieces. He walks with long strides towards the lift while once again calling for a taxi, and he spends the agonisingly long ride down in the lift trying not to break down again.

* * *

It continues as he’s taken back to the hotel, a car ride that definitely shouldn’t feel as long as it does. When Mafuyu arrives outside of the hotel he and his band members are staying at, he hurriedly gets out, and practically runs back inside. Once he’s made his way to right outside the door to his and Ritsuka’s room, however, Mafuyu stops. He stares at the door, one hand holding the key card that’s still in his pocket.

He lifts his other hand up to his lips, letting his fingers drag across them. He suddenly feels ashamed, like he’s betrayed Ritsuka. In reality, Mafuyu betrayed both Ritsuka and Yuki, practically toyed with their emotions in this absurd circus he found himself in. But now that’s over and done with. No more complications, no more going back and forth, no more hesitating. Mafuyu knows what he wants, and now that he’s settled things with his past, he’s more than free to go get it.

But he can’t shake the shame and guilt he feels over having embraced and kissed Yuki just moments ago. How is he going to face Ritsuka like this? Mafuyu knows very well that he can’t hide things like this from Ritsuka since it’ll come to the surface at some point, anyway, and it isn’t as if he _wants_ to hide things, either. He wants them to be able to be open and honest with each other, because relationships can’t work otherwise. The thing that scares him is how Ritsuka will react when he finds out and that’s what’s stopping Mafuyu from unlocking the door, from returning to Ritsuka as he’d promised.

He turns his back to the door, but instead of walking away, he backs up against the door and slides down onto the floor. Mafuyu pulls his knees up under his chin, hugging his legs, and he lets out a shaky exhale reminiscent of one of the last things he heard from Yuki.

 _Yuki_.

Mafuyu mouths the name, scared to even whisper it. It’s over. It’s… over. This is what he wanted, it’s what he _wants_ , but he can’t help but feel like a part of him just died. No, it died the second he closed the door to Yuki’s hotel room. He wondered to himself before, how was he going to be able to close the door on this love of his that he held for Yuki for so long? And then… it was over. Just like that. It took him a year to get here, and yet, it felt like it was over in an instant.

The door to the room next to his opens. He doesn’t care that a stranger is going to see him sitting on the floor outside of his hotel room; that’s the least of his worries. Right now, all he can think of is Yuki, and that’s _not_ what he wanted. He just—

“Mafuyu?”

A voice he hadn’t expected makes Mafuyu lift his head and look up. At the source of the voice, Mafuyu finds Haruki, who looks at him with what looks like alarm, or maybe concern. One of the two.

“You okay?”

He doesn’t know how to respond to that. Mafuyu opens his mouth, but again, what would he say? That he _is_ okay? It would be a lie, and Haruki would know that. And yet, he can’t bring himself to vocalise the simple words of ‘I’m not okay’. Is it because he doesn’t want pity? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what he wants right now.

Haruki takes the few steps over to Mafuyu that separates them, and then he places a hand on Mafuyu’s shoulder. “Hey. Come out with me for a sec? Let’s get some air, hm?”

If there’s something Mafuyu knows, it is that Haruki isn’t going out to get air. Well, some _sort_ of air, but maybe that’s why he didn’t specifically say ‘fresh air’. Maybe Mafuyu needs that, though. He thinks he might, so he lets Haruki pull him up, and then he follows Haruki back out, down to the lobby, outside of the hotel, and then they walk towards the backside of it.

There’s a little outdoor seating area around back, probably where they have the hotel’s restaurant guests seated during summer months. Right now is definitely the worst time of year for eating outside, but that’s also made obvious by the lack of chairs around those tables.

Mafuyu stares ahead of him, but he sees Haruki in the corner of his eye light a cigarette. Why Akihiko didn’t go out with Haruki to smoke is something Mafuyu obviously doesn’t know, but he finds it a little strange.

“Mafuyu,” Haruki says. “I don’t know what I can say to you, but I want to be here for you. So if you want to talk, I’m here to listen. I thought… maybe it’d be easier to talk to me than Ue right now. Unless I’m wrong?”

No, Haruki isn’t wrong. Mafuyu doesn’t know how he can face Ritsuka right now considering how he left things off with Yuki. Sure, they _did_ formally break up, but it wasn’t in the way Mafuyu had wanted things to go. Rarely does anything go the way he wants, because that’s just not how life works. If it’s something he’s learnt over time, it is that he’s much better off talking about things than keeping them to himself.

“I saw Yuki,” he says, though Haruki obviously knows that already. “We… I ended things with him. For… for real.”

“Okay,” Haruki says. “How… how are you feeling? I mean, I know, and I can tell, that you’re not yourself. That you’re not happy.”

Mafuyu shakes his head slowly. “That’s not it. Well… I mean… god. I kissed him, Haruki.”

He hears Haruki suck in a breath through his teeth, and that isn’t because of the cigarette. “Oh.”

“And I can’t face Ritsuka now because I’m ashamed that I did, and I’m scared of how he’ll react.”

Haruki doesn’t say anything for a few moments. Mafuyu stares down at his hands placed in his lap, and he wills himself to try and breathe slowly, to try and calm down. They have to head over to the music venue soon, he has to get back to his senses _before_ then. He can’t afford to back out now, not now that they’ve gotten so far, now that they’ve written all of these compositions, with vocals and without. This is their big chance at a comeback like none other, and Mafuyu doesn’t want that to be ruined because of this.

“I still think honesty is the way to go. But… I don’t think he’ll react the way you think.”

“Why wouldn’t he? I promised Ritsuka I’d come back to him.”

“And you won’t?”

“Of course I will,” Mafuyu says quickly. “That’s part of the reason why I saw Yuki to begin with.”

“Then that’s all that matters.”

When Mafuyu looks up at Haruki again, Haruki smiles. It sounds so easy, the way Haruki says that. It reminds Mafuyu of a conversation he’d had with Akihiko when they were to return to the studio for the first time since Yuki left The Seasons. He doesn’t know where the two of them get that almost naïve optimism of theirs, but maybe he should try and see things the way they do, too, if only just a little bit. Because maybe it _can_ be that easy sometimes.

“… It is?”

“Yeah. Ue really likes you, you know. If you’re just open and honest with him, it’ll be fine. Of course he won’t be thrilled that you kissed someone else, but I’m sure even he knows that love is complicated. Well, no—I _know_ that he’s aware of that fact.”

Of course he is. Mafuyu might be part of the reason why Ritsuka gained that kind of experience to begin with.

“Listen,” Haruki continues. “I know that staying in touch with Yuki right now is a bad idea, but further down the line, maybe you two could go back to being friends. And if not, then that’s just how it is. What do you want right now, Mafuyu?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just take the question at face value. What do you want?”

“I want Ritsuka,” he says, because it’s his honest, first wish that comes to mind. “I want to deserve him.”

Haruki softly bumps into his shoulder. “Then go get him. I know he’ll welcome you into his open arms. What comes after that is up to you.”

A spark ignites within Mafuyu because of Haruki’s words, almost as if a lightbulb comes on inside his head, or some equally cheesy, cliché metaphor. When Haruki places a hand on Mafuyu’s back, Mafuyu takes a deep breath, and when Haruki is done with his cigarette, the two head back into the hotel and up to their rooms. Mafuyu decides to trust Haruki; no more running away, no more unnecessary complications. He got through the most difficult part, and now, Mafuyu just has to own up to his words and do what he can to deserve someone like Ritsuka.

“We should head over to the venue in about ninety minutes,” Haruki says outside their rooms. “Try not to take longer, okay?”

Mafuyu doesn’t know what Haruki means by that, but he nods stiffly in response before inserting his key card in the door’s slot, and then he opens to head inside. Ritsuka isn’t immediately noticeable when Mafuyu heads inside, so he has an extra moment to mentally and emotionally prepare himself for this conversation as he sheds his jacket and shoes.

“Hello?” he tries carefully. “Uh… Ritsuka?”

“In here,” Mafuyu hears, and he steels himself before walking inside the room proper.

Ritsuka has apparently been lounging on the couch until now, but he gets up the second he sees Mafuyu walk inside. It almost makes Mafuyu want to tell Ritsuka to not come any closer, but he doesn’t. Some selfish part of him prevents him from doing so. Instead, he meets Ritsuka, but stops a few short steps away.

“Everything okay?” Ritsuka asks, and Mafuyu immediately feels his lower lip quiver. Within seconds, tears are rolling down his cheeks again, and the sight apparently startles Ritsuka. “Mafuyu?”

“Ritsuka, I… It’s over,” he says. “I… came back to you.”

Ritsuka smiles a little, though he looks unsure of _how_ to react, how to smile. Mafuyu doesn’t blame him. “I’m glad, Mafuyu. But something else seems off… or am I wrong?”

“He kissed me,” Mafuyu says as to not prolong it. It’s better Ritsuka hears it now rather than later. “And I…”

“… kissed him back?” Ritsuka fills in, and Mafuyu winces, looks away.

“I’m so sorry, Ritsuka. I didn’t know how difficult it was going to be. I don’t mean that in the way that I regret breaking up with him, because I don’t. But I regret sticking around that long.”

He can’t bear to look Ritsuka in the eye, because he knows that the look that he’ll have to see will undoubtedly break him in half. No matter how hard he tries, something’s always bound to come along and pull the rug out from beneath his feet and put him back at square one. He managed to get Ritsuka to talk to him again, they kissed, they even had sex, Mafuyu promised to come back to Ritsuka… and then this. Yuki may have initiated the kiss, but Mafuyu definitely reciprocated and didn’t make an attempt to stop it from happening in the first place.

“I know I have no right to ask you, but I… still hope you can forgive me. I can’t blame my actions on anything or anyone else, and I’m not going to try and explain it because it won’t help.”

 _It’s for your own self-satisfaction, just say it is_.

Yuki’s words echo in his head, and Mafuyu clenches a fist by his side. He can’t give up, even though he has no right to continue trying to involve Ritsuka in the obvious complexity that is his life. He has no right to do it, but that won’t stop Mafuyu from trying, from being selfish and knowing what he wants. Knowing _who_ he wants. It isn’t Yuki, it’s Ritsuka. And he won’t stop trying until Ritsuka tells him to.

So he takes another two steps forward to close the gap between them, and he takes the liberty of taking Ritsuka’s hand in his. Ritsuka visibly reacts to it, but he doesn’t pull away, and Mafuyu thinks that maybe it’s a good start. It may not be a sign of anything yet, but it’s better than nothing. Better than him retracting his hand and rejecting Mafuyu’s attempt at another reconciliation.

“I wanted to tell you because I didn’t want you to find out from someone else, or later down the line. I want to be honest with you because you deserve that.”

Now, Mafuyu wills himself to be brave enough to look up at Ritsuka again. It’s scary—he hasn’t done anything this scary in a while, but he hopes it’ll be worth it. All he can do is hope, all he _has_ is hope, and a lot of care and affection for the man in front of him.

Ritsuka looks at Mafuyu with an expression as complicated as Mafuyu expects his would be had their roles been reversed. What comes next is completely unexpected and makes Mafuyu take a step back, as Ritsuka places a hand over his mouth briefly. But then, he removes it, and instead leans in to kiss Mafuyu, which is the _next_ surprise. Mafuyu sighs in relief against Ritsuka’s lips, though, and as he almost jumps to embrace Ritsuka, the hug is immediately returned in full and then some.

When they pull apart, Ritsuka lingers close with their foreheads touching, and Mafuyu once again finds himself thinking it’d be nice if they could just stay like this. Reality, however, says otherwise. Reality says they still have to be out of here soon to head to the music venue for their band’s first live performance.

“What was that about?” Mafuyu dares to ask.

Ritsuka huffs, and he looks away briefly. Mafuyu wonders if it’s just the lighting or if he detects the slightest hint of a blush colouring Ritsuka’s cheeks. “Erasing traces of the past.”

“What?”

“I didn’t wanna kiss you when the last person you’d kissed was your ex. So I gave us a blank slate.”

Mafuyu blinks a few times in astonishment, but then he can’t help but laugh, and it feels good. What feels better, though, is seeing Ritsuka smile as he laughs.

* * *

As nervous as Mafuyu had been when they stepped inside the doors to the venue, presenting themselves as Given who’ll be performing really soon, all of that nervousness melts off of him and he instead just feels like he’s _home_. The sound of the band before them tuning their instruments and jamming before they go live is calming, and so is even the murmur coming from the crowd waiting for the curtain to rise, waiting for the show to start. Of course, it’s a shame that they aren’t the main act here tonight, but this _is_ Given’s first live, so that’s only to be expected.

The difference, however, is that all members of Given are seasoned live musicians and know how these gigs usually go. It isn’t like when The Seasons had their first few gigs—this time, they know what they’re doing. It may have been quite a while since any of them stood on a stage to perform live in front of a crowd, small or big, but it doesn’t matter. It’s like learning to play an instrument—you may get rusty if you don’t play for a while, but the skill learnt never really goes away.

While they’re waiting to get up there, Mafuyu takes the time to listen to the band before them as they perform. It isn’t as if he’s necessarily looking for inspiration, but it’s always interesting to see how different other bands’ music is compared to theirs. It’s kind of like the first time he and Akihiko went to watch Ugetsu perform, well, apart from the obvious thing that Ugetsu’s classical music is worlds apart from what Given writes and performs. Even so, Mafuyu likes taking in different kinds of music; sometimes, he even ends up using it as his inspiration for the next composition, but for the most part, he just likes immersing himself in music.

He wasn’t too sure of it when he’d first joined The Seasons, but now, with Given, Mafuyu is absolutely certain that music is what he wants to do for a living. Nothing has ever really given him the same kind of happiness, motivation, and challenge as music has. Especially recently as he’s gotten into singing thanks to Ugetsu’s suggestion and insistence has it become even more interesting and fun.

Having come to this point also makes him fear the possibility of losing interest in music again. It’s happened before—and recently, too—so it can definitely happen again. Mafuyu doesn’t want to think about it since it obviously hasn’t happened yet and won’t happen for a while; it’s an unnecessary worry when he should really just be focusing on having fun.

“Hey,” Ritsuka whispers in Mafuyu’s ear, and it makes Mafuyu wince as he’s brought back to reality. “We’re up.”

Mafuyu turns to Ritsuka, and he nods. “Yeah.”

“Nervous?”

“Not at all. You?”

Ritsuka smiles. “No. It’s gonna be fun.”

That’s the kind of mindset Mafuyu needs to remind himself to have right now. They’ve only just gotten started again, and this is their first public appearance as Given. This is only the beginning for them, and that’s why it’s so exciting.

When Mafuyu stands on that stage, almost blinded by the stage lights, and he hears the cheering from a crowd who has yet to even hear Given’s music, he feels at home. At ease. He takes a deep breath, and when he sings and the crowd responds with loud cheering, he understands the feeling Yuki gets, why he likes singing as much as he does. Mafuyu is essentially at the centre of attention, and while that is a little scary, it’s also exciting.

Having gone from being part of what makes up the song, he’s now the one who breathes life into the songs with lyrics and his voice. It was scary to sing for Ugetsu, because that was the first time he ever sang in front of another person, but then he sang for Ritsuka, and also Akihiko and Haruki. And now that he’s had that to prepare himself, it doesn’t feel scary to sing in front of all of these people. It’s fun, and it further cements his love for music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my defence with the not-so-sneaky song reference in this chapter (and I'm not talking about "Madness" by Muse)... I sorta had to. It felt fitting in a way. It's also the ninth chapter, and "Fuyu no Hanashi" was performed in episode 9 - that was a pretty cool coincidence. Also, remember how I said this fic was inspired by NANA? Yeah, there's a part in this chapter where I borrowed elements from episode 18 of that anime. A lot of what comprised Mafuyu/Yuki in here is inspired by the relationship between Nana O and Ren in NANA, like how they broke up and the reunion/proper breakup.
> 
> ... MAN, this was kinda tough to write, hahaha. Many angsty parts. Onto more fluffy things! :V


	10. this will make you love again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-live performance, Haruki has some things he wants to discuss with the other members of Given. Mafuyu takes the opportunity to discuss things with Ritsuka as well regarding their own and Given's direction.

> _Early Thursday mornings wipe away the flies  
>  The crossfire fight for action in-between your thighs  
> Every touch is sacred when they leave the room  
> If I have to switch the lights off  
> I wanna switch them off with you_
> 
> _This will make you love again  
>  This will make you love again  
> This will make you love again  
> This will make you love again  
>   
> \- IAMX_

Mafuyu’s ears are still ringing a little, but it’s strangely enough a nice feeling. Proof that they not that long ago stood on a stage and played for an entire music venue full of people who cheered both during and after their songs. Now that they’ve gotten off the stage and are getting off the post-live high, Mafuyu feels almost… empty. He wants to get back on stage again, wants to continue performing, playing his guitar, and he wants to sing.

“That was _amazing_ ,” Haruki says, sounding almost dazed. Mafuyu definitely shares that feeling. “We, uh… definitely did that. Right? It wasn’t just my hallucination?”

Akihiko chuckles. “Nah, we did. And it was great.”

“Now we’ve just gotta do the social media stuff… well, I guess _I’m_ gonna be the one to do that.” When the others fall silent, Haruki sighs, and he shrugs. “Yeah, well—I figured as much. We’re all gonna be sharing the account, though, so you’d all better get active on Twitter to help us get our name out there.”

Akihiko groans. “I fucking _hate_ social media. But fine, I get it; that’s what kids do these days in order to get famous.”

“’Kids’?” Ritsuka asks, and Akihiko snort-laughs shortly before Haruki jabs him in the side with a finger, effectively shutting Akihiko up.

It’s their last night in Tokyo, but they’re all too tired to ‘make the best out of it’ other than sticking to the bar they ended up at after the live. Mafuyu is honestly looking forward to getting back home and going back to ‘real life’ again after this weekend which felt like it was a week long.

In a matter of days, Mafuyu managed to make up with Ritsuka, properly break up with Yuki, and then there was the live. A live during which Mafuyu sang in front of a relatively big audience for the first time, and he _loved_ it. A lot definitely happened, and now he just wants to take some time to get back to his life back home and process everything. He’s sure he isn’t alone in that, either, even if they all haven’t had the exact same experiences these past few days.

“Remember, we’ve gotta check out of the hotel before eleven, so we might as well grab breakfast here before we leave,” Haruki says—truly, the leader of their group. “I know none of you like early mornings, but we’ve gotta start getting used to it again.”

“Right, because of work,” Akihiko sighs. “Well, it was fun while it lasted. Hopefully we’ll do this again soon.”

“Positive thinking. So! How about we meet for breakfast at nine?”

Begrudgingly, Akihiko and Ritsuka agree. Mafuyu doesn’t mind; early mornings can be nice sometimes. And it isn’t as if they’re getting up at the crack of dawn, really, Mafuyu can get out of bed at half past eight and still have enough time to gather his belongings and be down by the hotel restaurant by nine. He wonders if Ritsuka will be as efficient, but also makes a reserve plan for if Ritsuka decides to stay in bed a little longer.

They part for the night; Ritsuka and Mafuyu head back inside their room, and they get ready for bed. Unlike the night before when they weren’t talking and had to awkwardly decide who went first into the bathroom, this time, they’re comfortable enough to stand side by side and brush their teeth. It’s oddly nice and domestic, Mafuyu finds, and he also thinks he definitely wouldn’t mind if this became a regular thing.

“What a concert, huh,” Ritsuka says as he dries his face with a towel. “I’ve really missed that kind of adrenaline rush.”

Mafuyu hums. “Yeah, me too. It was amazing.”

“I’m glad you sang, too. It was very different from when we were in the studio—like, a lot better.”

“Most of it tends to be when you’re playing on a stage with all of that equipment and the acoustics. And I think the crowd helps, too. I… I really like singing. I feel like I get out more of my enjoyment with music now.”

Ritsuka comes to embrace Mafuyu from behind, and Mafuyu leans into the embrace with a sigh. “I’m glad you came to like singing, because I like playing my guitar to your voice. It feels like… well, a good fit.”

Mafuyu giggles, and he turns around to properly face Ritsuka. “That was adorable. Thank you.”

“… Yeah. Sure,” Ritsuka replies.

Mafuyu’s smile grows as the blush in Ritsuka’s cheeks deepens. He kisses Ritsuka, lingering there for a moment, and then he only pulls back a little to continue staying close. “I also think we’re a good fit. In many ways.”

“More than just my guitar and your voice?”

“Yeah. Don’t you?”

Ritsuka returns Mafuyu’s smile, and he leans his forehead against Mafuyu’s. “’Course I do.”

It feels a little strange to leave Tokyo the next morning, but it’s probably about time, anyway. A lot has happened that Mafuyu has to process, and he starts doing it on the train back to Yokohama as Ritsuka sleeps with his head leaning on Mafuyu’s shoulder. It’s been quite the emotional journey most of which wasn’t even spent on a train, and though they’re not quite to their destination yet, Mafuyu has a good feeling about it. He knows he and Ritsuka still have a few things to iron out and talk about, but they’ll get to do that soon.

As they all get off the train in Yokohama, the members of Given are heading in different directions—obviously aside from Akihiko and Haruki. Mafuyu feels strange and a little sad about suddenly not being with Ritsuka anymore like they were at the hotel; he feels like he’s gotten attached much like a puppy to its mother, in a strange way. He also recognises it as the honeymoon phase which he really wants to treasure, but at the same time, he knows they need breathing room, too.

“See you at the studio on Tuesday?”

“Too far away,” Ritsuka mutters into Mafuyu’s hair before placing a kiss atop his head. “But yeah, I’ll see you then.”

Mafuyu smiles to himself just before he separates himself from Ritsuka and gets off the bus. For now, they all have to go back to their ordinary lives outside of band activities, which mostly just means work in Mafuyu’s case. He’s already looking forward to their next live, but before then, they’ll have to compose new songs, and that’s another thing Mafuyu’s excited about.

Music really _is_ fun.

* * *

“Okay, can I have your attention?”

“What’s with the formality?” Akihiko says with a hint of a laugh in his voice.

Haruki ignores it, and he walks over to the corner to grab himself a stool to sit on. “There’s a few things we need to talk about, I think. So if we can pause for a bit, that’d be great.”

Mafuyu looks up from his notebook, and he gets up off the floor as Ritsuka does the same. As they’ve put their guitars away, they, too, go to join Haruki where they sit by Akihiko’s drums. They’ve been at the studio now for two hours, but it feels like it’s been less than half of that. Inspiration levels are high among all members following the live: they’re brainstorming ideas for new songs, styles, and lyrics almost fervently, and it feels good. This is how it’s supposed to be, and while Mafuyu suspects that this high won’t last long, he wants to make the best out of it to make sure the next live show is ten times better.

“Alright,” Haruki says, clasping his hands together. “We should probably establish where we want things to go from here with Given. I also want to set down some rules now that we’ve gotten through the live, now that things seem to be mostly ironed out between all of us.”

Mafuyu knows Haruki’s looking at him, but he doesn’t dare meet Haruki’s gaze. Yeah, he knows he could’ve handled things a lot better, he’s thought about that a million times in just the past few weeks. There’s a saying that goes ‘all’s well that ends well’ and really, that goes here, too. Haruki probably wouldn’t entirely agree with it, though.

“First, do we want to go pro? Do _you_?”

It sounds like a simple question, but what it entails is a different story. It means they spend more time and effort on music than before, and it could mean so many other things should things proceed towards them being signed with a label. Neither of them have obviously done this before since they’ve all played music and been in bands for fun. But now? Mafuyu knows what he wants, but he can’t make that decision alone.

“I do,” Mafuyu says. “I want us to go as far as we can. It’s scary, it could get scarier, but… I want to try.”

Haruki smiles a little, and seeing that makes Mafuyu feel a little bit more at ease. His scolding is incoming, and he isn’t looking forward to it despite knowing how much he deserves it, but for right now, it seems okay.

“I’m on the same page,” Akihiko says, and he grins widely. “Hell yeah, I wanna do it.”

Haruki laughs a little. “Well, I feel the same way about that. Ue?”

“I wanna go pro, too. You guys… kept me from giving up on music, and I’ve never had this much fun with it before. It’s what I wanna do, to work with music.”

“Good,” Haruki replies. “I was sort of expecting everyone would be onboard with it, but I just want to make sure. With that out of the way, knowing that we all want to go in the same direction, like I mentioned before, we need to set down some rules.”

“What kinda rules are we talking about?”

“Well, being in a band is… basically a popularity contest, right? If we become even the slightest bit famous, we’ve gotta be careful about what we do and show to the public. Which mostly means the fact that we’ve got two couples in the band.”

Akihiko snorts and then laughs at that, which makes all of them turn their heads. “Wow, you’re right. Remember when we discussed the whole ‘no dating in the band’ thing?”

“I don’t,” Mafuyu says, and Haruki clears his throat.

“Yeah, uh… that was before you joined.”

“You weren’t in The Seasons from the beginning?” Ritsuka asks Mafuyu, who shrugs.

“No, I was invited later on.”

“At that point, that rule obviously went flying out the window,” Haruki says. “And it does now, too. But that gives us all the more reason to be careful. Social media, in public—nothing that can hint to others about any romantic relationships going on.”

“Because we want female fans fawning over us?”

Haruki sighs, rolling his eyes. “No, but it’s not impossible that it happens. This is getting way ahead of ourselves and setting ourselves up for disappointment if we don’t succeed in gaining the attention of any record labels to begin with. I’m not one to lecture Ue and Mafuyu on getting together for, well… obvious reasons,” he says before clearing his throat. “We just have to try out best not to let any relationship issues get into band related matters.”

It sounds easy, but it probably won’t be, Mafuyu thinks to himself. He wants to minimise any future issues and misunderstandings between him and Ritsuka by having the two of them properly talk things out now that they’ve come back from Tokyo and had a little time to settle back into reality after that intense weekend. As for the other two, at least Haruki is intent on keeping things as clean as possible between him and Akihiko so that things won’t bleed into the band. They can’t afford to have petty couple quarrels ruin things with the band now that they want to go down the professional route.

“I’m not… saying it’s definitely going to happen,” Ritsuka says slowly. “But what if there _is_ an argument between any of us? Like, outside of band issues, and, uh… a couple breaks up?”

Mafuyu knows he shouldn’t think anything of it when Ritsuka asks the question, because he knows it’s a question that _has_ to be asked and sorted out. More than anything, he’s glad that Ritsuka asked and that he’s this dedicated to both this new relationship he has with Mafuyu, and to Given. Exploring all kinds of possibilities is only a good thing, because it can give you a good idea of what could happen, and what definitely _won’t_ happen.

Haruki sighs, and he shrugs. “Well, I can’t say what’ll happen in that case, and I don’t think anyone can. I just want you all to know that this is a commitment we have to make if we want to do this. We work things out if shit happens. Remember that music is all about communication, and the same goes for relationships. And also remember to not, like, make out in public, for the sake of the band.”

In most cases where there’s a five year difference between the oldest and youngest members in a band, it’d probably be a vastly different story than the one that goes for Given. Other bands and their members might be at different points in their lives, but for Given, that isn’t the case. They can all afford to make this sort of commitment, and it’s sort of comforting for Mafuyu to know this. It makes his decision that much easier to make, knowing that they’re all on the same page despite the age difference.

“I can agree to that. Let’s do this?” Akihiko says to, or rather _asks_ , Ritsuka and Mafuyu.

Mafuyu nods. “Yeah.”

“I’m in, too.”

Next to him, Ritsuka takes Mafuyu’s hand, and Mafuyu breathes a silent sigh of relief. It’s off to a good start. It’s a little scary, but it’s mostly exciting. Each and every step he takes is a step forward, be it with Given, or be it with Ritsuka. It’s new, it feels great, and Mafuyu is happy. And he knows that that’s really all that matters.

“Mafuyu or Ue, lock-up duty is on either of you two.”

Mafuyu lifts his head, and he nods at Akihiko by the door. “I can take care of that. Good work today.”

“You too. Haruki, I’m leaving you behind if you don’t hurry up.”

Mafuyu smiles to himself as he zips up his guitar bag, listening to Haruki’s half-stressed, half-frustrated noises. Within seconds, Haruki is up on his feet, and he hurriedly says goodbye to Ritsuka and Mafuyu still in the studio, and then it’s just the two of them left. Today’s practice felt great because not only did they make more progress on new music, they also improved one of the songs performed at the live.

The days they’re at the studio are always very long, but most of the time, they certainly don’t _feel_ that long. Mafuyu and Akihiko arrive to work at nine, they get off work at five before they end up at the studio just before six, and then they tend to stay at the studio until at least past ten. Given aren’t at the studio _every_ day, which is probably why they still have the energy to keep these long days going, but that might change soon. At least then Mafuyu won’t have to think about another job if music becomes what he makes a living off of.

“Mafuyu?”

“Yeah,” Mafuyu replies. He flinches when Ritsuka suddenly appears behind him, kissing him on the neck.

“Stay at my place tonight?”

Mafuyu tips his head back, and Ritsuka meets him in a quick kiss. “Sure.”

He makes a mental note to try and properly talk things out with Ritsuka tonight, knowing that talking isn’t what they’ll primarily be doing. It’s better that they get this out of the way sooner rather than later, or so at least Mafuyu thinks. They’re still very much in the honeymoon phase having only dated for a few weeks at this point, and that’s why Mafuyu won’t be too hard on himself if he can’t stick to his plan tonight. As long as he doesn’t consciously prolong it, it’ll be fine.

Ritsuka doesn’t waste time, as he pushes Mafuyu up against the wall of in his hallway immediately upon entering the apartment and closing the door behind them. Mafuyu finds it exciting to see what Ritsuka does, what Ritsuka _wants_ to do, in this new, exploratory phase of their relationship. It’s just another way of getting to know someone, knowing what they want when it’s just the two of them like this. Much like he’d been just as he’d joined the band, Ritsuka was a lot more reserved the first time they had sex, but not this time, not now.

Again, they’re still in their honeymoon phase where everything’s still new and exciting, and most of what at least Mafuyu wants to do is to be close to Ritsuka at all times in many senses of that word. Things will however calm down and their feelings will grow into something more mature, but for now, Mafuyu treasures the present where things like sex is high up on his list of priorities, because eventually, things will change.

He lies with his head resting on Ritsuka’s chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his boyfriend’s heartbeat, and Mafuyu feels like he could fall asleep like this. Despite closing his eyes, Mafuyu wills himself to stay awake. Sooner rather than later, he tells himself.

“Ritsuka,” he says. “I… kinda wanted to continue on what Haruki talked about at the studio earlier, if that’s okay?”

Ritsuka hums, and the rumble of Ritsuka’s voice sends a chill down Mafuyu’s spine. “Sure. Anything in particular?”

“Well, just… I want us to be open with each other, you know? About anything. I… My last relationship was partially ruined because we didn’t talk about important things. In the end, it blew up in my face, and I don’t want that to happen again. Not with you.”

“Mmm,” Ritsuka replies before he kisses Mafuyu atop the head. “I agree. Communication is key.”

“It is. Not just when we’re together as a band, but, like… at all times.”

“Nothing off the table.”

“Yeah.” Mafuyu smiles to himself. “Glad we’re on the same wavelength.”

Ritsuka huffs a quiet laugh. “Me too. I really wanna do my best to make this work, Mafuyu, so… I’m glad you brought that up.”

Mafuyu lifts his head, supporting himself on an elbow so he can face Ritsuka. “As long as we talk things out. Not just… because we might become actual co-workers, but… you know. Because _we_ should work out, regardless of whether it’s with or without Haruki and Akihiko.”

“Co-workers, huh,” Ritsuka muses, and he pulls Mafuyu in for a kiss. “That sounds interesting.”

“You won’t get tired of me, then? Seeing me like this, seeing me in the studio, on stage…”

“Nah,” Ritsuka says. “No risk. As long as I get to play my guitar to your voice, I’m happy.”

Ah, this man might just be the death of Mafuyu, in the end. It would certainly be one hell of a way to go, though; the last thing Mafuyu can do is complain about such a fate.

“Didn’t think you could be that sweet.”

Ritsuka snorts, and he rolls his eyes. “Wow, I was actually saying something heartfelt there.”

“I know.” Mafuyu smiles. “I’m glad I met you.”

“Right back at you, Mafuyu.”

Had Ritsuka not joined the band, the risk of all three members of The Seasons losing their passion for music would’ve been incredibly high. In Mafuyu’s case, he knows he definitely wouldn’t have picked up a guitar to play it again the same way he’s done for so long now. It would’ve probably been a case where he plucked away at its strings every now and then whenever he felt like it and not because he _enjoys_ it.

The Seasons would’ve likely disbanded, and though Mafuyu knows he, Akihiko, and Haruki wouldn’t have drifted apart that easily, it still would’ve been very different. All because Yuki left. But instead, Ritsuka _did_ join The Seasons and was even responsible for them becoming Given with his naming idea, and he became a big part of Mafuyu’s life in a way Mafuyu could’ve never expected or even imagined. Ritsuka joining The Seasons saved them as a band, but Mafuyu feels like he was saved by Ritsuka in another way, too.

His year began in the worst way possible, but the end of it is the polar opposite. Mafuyu feels happier than he’s been in a long time, things are going well with Given, and they’re finally attempting to get signed by a label to go professional. It’s everything Mafuyu could’ve ever wanted, and then some.


	11. a theme song just for us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruki brings some news to the band that sets things in motion. Mafuyu mends a tattered bond, and moves forward with Given, and with Ritsuka.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mature content in this chapter. It's a rather short scene and nothing explicit.

> _When I want to see you  
> _ _When I want to hold you  
>  I’ll use the memories I recall  
> And the times we spent together  
> As a backrest for my heart to lean on_
> 
> _I’ll sing these precious feelings for you over and over  
>  **And I’ll make them into a theme song just for us**_
> 
> _\- Centimillimental, "Bokura dake no shudaika" (僕らだけの主題歌)_

“Ah, it’s the vocalist kid!”

Mafuyu sighs, and he shakes his head. “Please just greet me like a normal person, Ugetsu. I’ve already told you before, you’re not that much older than me. Calling me a kid is weird.”

Ugetsu squints briefly, and then he laughs before stepping aside. “Your reactions are interesting, I guess that’s why I like teasing you.”

“Thanks?”

“Sure. Want anything to drink?”

“No, I’m good. Thank you, though.”

Ugetsu shrugs as he lumbers back inside. “Suit yourself.”

Mafuyu follows Ugetsu but he steers his steps towards the living room area instead of the kitchen where Ugetsu is headed. It’s been a little while since he was last here, and a lot has obviously changed both for him and for Ugetsu since the last time they saw each other in person. He notices that Ugetsu both seems and sounds happier, which is nice. Both of them went through heartbreak in different ways this past year, and they’ve both managed to move on from it, getting out on the other side as stronger people.

The absence of Akihiko’s drums in the corner makes the basement look a lot bigger. Mafuyu remembers having seen them at Akihiko’s new place, once again practically stuffed into a corner even though they’re very much cared for and frequently used. There’s really no good way to keep an entire set of drums in an apartment unless you’re rich and live in a big place, which neither of them do. It’s all about making the best out of what you’ve got, which Akihiko has done, whether it was at Ugetsu’s place or his own, new apartment,

“Congrats on a successful first live,” Ugetsu says as he comes to join Mafuyu in the living room. “I saw it on YouTube… even though it’ll never be as good as watching it live, it was good.”

Mafuyu hums, and he pulls his legs up on the couch, resting his chin between his kneecaps. “I suppose you’re right. Thanks.”

“So? Did things go the way you wanted them to in Tokyo besides the concert?”

Mafuyu laughs a little, and it sounds strange even to his own ears. “Well… yeah. I met up with my ex, too.”

“… Did you sleep with him?”

“No!” Mafuyu says with a little bit more force than he meant to. He sighs, and starts over. “… No, I didn’t sleep with him. I think… I _could_ have, though. It scares me, to think about that.”

He remembers the conflicted feeling, and how it had so strongly grabbed a hold of him, threatening to cloud his judgment. It would have been so easy to fall back into old habits, to continue kissing Yuki, eventually sleeping with him. They’ve done it countless times before, and it wouldn’t have taken much for Mafuyu to take that erroneous step back into those habits he wanted to break.

Yes, it was for Ritsuka’s sake, but primarily, it was because Mafuyu wanted to free himself from the past which he knew couldn’t be repeated. It was better that they didn’t, for Yuki’s sake, too. Yuki needed to be set free, too, even if he clearly didn’t know it in the moment. Mafuyu feels confident that the realisation will hit him eventually, that they’re better off as they currently are. There was a time for them, but that time isn’t now.

“Mmm, not all that uncommon,” Ugetsu says. “Many people take a step back before they can move forward properly. Progress isn’t linear, especially with relationships.”

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

Ugetsu sets down his coffee mug, and instead lights a cigarette. It’s strange, because Mafuyu sometimes misses the smell of it. It feels comforting to him in a way; maybe because he associates it with these conversations he’s had with Ugetsu, Akihiko, and Haruki, all three being smokers. It’s a strange association to make, and though smoking is one of the last things Mafuyu could ever see himself doing, he kind of almost likes the smell. Almost.

“And then what? Did you get together with the guy?”

“I did. I’ve told him practically everything there is to know about Yuki, too.”

“Oh, you’re very honest. That’s admirable,” Ugetsu replies with what almost looks like a teasing smile, a glint in his eye. “That’s good, though. I wish I would’ve done the same with Aki. You know… being honest, and all that. Cut things off properly when I should have.”

“Do you miss him?”

The question is out before Mafuyu can even consider whether or not it’s a good idea to ask it in the first place. It might be considered as him rubbing salt into Ugetsu’s wounds, but that’s the furthest thing away from what Mafuyu intends. Curiosity tends to take over sometimes and makes him say or ask things that maybe he should think twice about first. Mafuyu doesn’t see Ugetsu as a weak person—quite the contrary; but he knows that the relationship affected both Ugetsu and Akihiko in ways that are visible in them both in present day.

“I do,” Ugetsu says simply, and the sigh that follows turns into a cloud of smoke. “I love Akihiko to death and I will for a long time, but I don’t want him back. He deserves to be with his new boyfriend… Haruki, right? He’ll make Akihiko happy, I know that much.”

The painful truth is that to Mafuyu, Akihiko looks happier than he has in years, now that he’s with Haruki. He’s changed a lot: matured, cleaned up his act, sorted out his priorities. He’s been allowed to grow up after separating from Ugetsu, which was one of the main reasons why they broke up in the first place, so that they both could start to grow and become independent.

It reminds Mafuyu of the reason why it was a good idea, in the end, that he and Yuki split up, too. Sometimes people just grow apart, and while it might be hard to accept, it’s often better to break up and go separate ways so both parts can become a better person either on their own or with someone else by their side. It might hurt in the beginning and, like Ugetsu says, progress isn’t linear. But in the end, it’ll for the most part turn out for the better. Mafuyu is in a better place with Ritsuka by his side, and Ugetsu looks happier though he doesn’t have a significant other by _his_ side. For some people, that works, too. For Ugetsu, music probably fills that spot, anyway.

“Will you be travelling again soon?”

Ugetsu turns his head. “Nothing planned soon. Why?”

“Just wondering, in case we have a gig coming up. It’d be nice if you could come.”

“You’d want me there?”

“Of course. Even though you mostly just criticise my compositions and lyrics.”

Ugetsu laughs at that. “I’m only doing it because I want your stuff to be great, Mafuyu. Sure, I’d love to be there, as long as I’m able to go.”

Mafuyu knows that what Ugetsu says is true. Ugetsu obviously has a lot of musical knowledge, way more than Mafuyu could ever dream of achieving since Ugetsu’s been musically involved since early childhood, and also has a natural knack for it. Ugetsu _does_ seem to want Mafuyu to succeed, because the advice he’s offered and the changes he’s advised Mafuyu on have only been for the better. It’s just nice to have someone around who’s an outsider to Given, who can still offer good advice both when it comes to music, and otherwise.

He spends the afternoon and a bit of the evening at Ugetsu’s, but then Mafuyu heads back home. The talk he had with Ugetsu made Mafuyu think about Yuki, and about Saeko. He left things on an awful note with her, and he still feels bad about it. Saeko didn’t deserve his harsh treatment; she only wants what’s best for her son, which Mafuyu completely understands. It’s only natural, but it’s also inconvenient for Mafuyu who happened to _date_ her son for a couple of years.

When he arrives back in his apartment, Mafuyu sits down on his couch, and he pulls out his phone. He scrolls through his list of contacts, and his finger hovers over Saeko’s contact for a while before he taps the phone icon next to her name. Maybe this is just for his self-satisfaction, Mafuyu doesn’t know—but he knows he has to do this to feel like he can properly start anew.

“ _Hello? … Mafuyu?_ ”

Mafuyu takes a deep breath, exhales slowly through his nose. “Hi, Saeko. Am I calling at a bad time?”

“ _No, no—it’s okay. Did you want something, did something happen?_ ”

“Ah, it’s not that. I just… wanted to apologise,” Mafuyu says. “I wasn’t being nice to you when you came over last time. I’m sorry.”

Ever since Mafuyu started dating Yuki and after the first time Mafuyu met Saeko, she’s been nothing but kind, generous, and supportive. She’s been like a second mother to Mafuyu when his own wasn’t around that much. And it was nice, knowing he had an adult in his life he could turn to whenever he needed advice or help. Other than wanting to smooth things over, Mafuyu doesn’t know _why_ he’s calling Saeko, but he doesn’t regret it, either.

“ _Oh, Mafuyu_ ,” Saeko replies, and he hears the concern in her voice. “ _I’m the one who should apologise. I could have approached things in a more delicate manner than I did, definitely. I guess I was just… I mean, hearing about your break-up was devastating, you know? I think you two were a good fit. But I know now that it was probably for the best that you went your separate ways_.”

“… Yeah.”

“ _So don’t worry about it, okay? I want you both to be happy._ ” She pauses, and Mafuyu wonders if maybe this is where he’s supposed to say something. But he doesn’t know _what_ to say, so he’s relieved when Saeko speaks up again. “ _Are you happy? You sound… happier._ ”

“Yeah, I am,” Mafuyu says, and he smiles to himself. “Things are going well. I met up with Yuki in Tokyo, and we talked things out.”

“ _Then I’m glad. I heard about that from Yuki, too, and I’m glad you at least talked things over despite everything. I know you’re not my kid, and even though you and Yuki aren’t together anymore, I… still kind of see you as my kid? If that makes sense?_ ”

Mafuyu laughs. “Yeah, it does. Thank you, Saeko.”

“ _Anytime, Mafuyu. I’m here if you need me_.”

* * *

An incessant buzzing on his nightstand rouses Mafuyu from his sleep. He squints angrily at the light seeping in through the blinds, and then toward his phone that he begrudgingly picks up. One thing he quickly realised when spending the night with Ritsuka is that Ritsuka isn’t as easily woken from sleep as Mafuyu is. So, of course, the bastard is still asleep when Mafuyu picks his loud phone up.

“Yes,” he mumbles as he answers the call.

“ _Jesus, you’re still asleep?_ ”

“I was,” Mafuyu corrects Haruki before he looks at his phone’s screen briefly. “It’s not that late, even.”

“ _It is! Okay, this isn’t what I called you about. I’d rather not take this on the phone, but I think I’d explode if I had to wait._ ”

Mafuyu widens his still tired eyes. “Yeah? What is it?”

“ _We got contacted by an agent for a record label._ ”

“We—what?!”

He sits up in bed so fast it makes him briefly dizzy. Next to Mafuyu, Ritsuka finally stirs in his sleep, but all he does is mutter into his pillow, furrow his eyebrows, and then he turns around so his back is turned to Mafuyu. It makes Mafuyu jealous that Ritsuka is able to sleep through apparently almost anything, and he’s tempted to kick Ritsuka. But, of course, he doesn’t.

“ _See now why I couldn’t wait until we meet in person? Anyway. I still think we need to, because we have to discuss this thoroughly. Let Ue know, and come over after lunch sometime._ ”

“Okay,” Mafuyu replies, biting back a yawn so Haruki won’t yell at him again. “See you soon.”

He hangs up, puts his phone back on the nightstand, and lies down again next to Ritsuka, who’s amazingly enough still asleep despite Mafuyu having raised his voice in surprise not that long ago. Mafuyu smiles to himself as he nuzzles his nose up against Ritsuka’s neck, peppering small kisses where he can reach. It takes a little while, but eventually, Mafuyu hears a groaning noise, and suddenly, Ritsuka stirs about again.

“What’s all the noise about?”

“So you heard it. I almost thought you’d died.”

Ritsuka offers a sleepy snort. “Why?”

“You seem to be able to sleep through _anything_.”

“Mmm, maybe.” Ritsuka turns around, and when he does, he smiles at Mafuyu. “Mornin’. So, what was that about?”

Mafuyu tries really hard not to react to the way Ritsuka’s voice is a lot deeper in the morning. He fails spectacularly, though, as a chill runs down his spine, and he feels blood starting to rush south. “Haruki wanted us over at his place later today. A record label got in touch.”

Ritsuka gasps, and his eyes widen much like Mafuyu’s had at the announcement. “Wait, whoa. What? Really?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s… oh, wow. Okay. I’m… too tired to register this info right now, but… that’s awesome.” He moves in close, nuzzling his nose against Mafuyu’s with his eyes closed. Mafuyu thinks he looks adorable. “Do we have to get up right _now_?”

“No. After lunch is what I was told.”

Ritsuka hums, and he smiles. “Okay. Do you wanna get up anytime before that?”

“I don’t.”

“Good.”

If possible, Mafuyu would’ve been perfectly content with staying in bed all day, really. But they can’t, so instead, he wants to make the best out of the time they’ve got before they’ve got to leave. So he smiles, and he lifts the duvet off of them. Ritsuka grunts.

“I thought we said we’d _stay_ in bed.”

“Mhmm,” Mafuyu replies as he begins scooting downwards, placing his hands on Ritsuka’s hips. “We are.”

Ritsuka sucks in a breath when Mafuyu begins trailing kisses down his abdomen, and then he lets out his exhale in a stuttering fashion. “ _Shit_. Okay. Good plan.”

“So you’re not complaining?” Mafuyu asks with a smile. He plants a soft kiss inside Ritsuka’s thigh, and Ritsuka’s hand flies up to grab a fistful of his hair as he lets out an almost strained noise. Oh, he’s getting big. Mafuyu feels his heartbeat accelerate with excitement.

“Absolutely not. Now would you _please_ stop being a tease before I explode over here?”

Mafuyu would have loved to keep Ritsuka on edge, prolonged this—just because he was told not to. But they _do_ have someplace to be today, and while the time wasn’t specified, he knows Haruki would appreciate them being there sooner rather than later. So, for now, Mafuyu makes somewhat quick work of what he’s started, and he lets Ritsuka come. Of course, he would have been foolish to believe Ritsuka wouldn’t want to get him back for what he’d done.

It’s certainly a good way to start the day, though.

They eventually get out of bed and take turns using the shower, but then Ritsuka and Mafuyu head over to Haruki’s a few train stops away. Haruki’s place is a little smaller than the apartment Akihiko got for himself a few months ago, but it’s more convenient for all of them to gather at Haruki’s.

Sometimes, Mafuyu wonders why Akihiko and Haruki haven’t moved in together. They don’t live that far away from each other, sure, but since they’re dating, it would probably be both easier and cheaper for them to live together. They probably have their reasons, though—Mafuyu is fairly certain they _would_ have lived together by now otherwise.

“The record label is Phoenix Records,” Haruki says, and he lays his tablet down on the table for the rest of the members to see. “Their main focus is alternative rock and indie, where we fall in pretty nicely. They’ve been around for twenty-five years, and from what I’ve seen, they’ve got a very good reputation.”

Mafuyu nurses a mug of hot chocolate between his hands as he looks at the content on Phoenix’s website. Akihiko is in charge of scrolling down and clicking on links that any of the others are interested in looking into. Said website has a good layout and design, and it certainly looks professionally made. Mafuyu can’t help but be a _little_ apprehensive, worried that maybe they might sign an awful contract they can’t get out of.

“So what are the differences of just going independent or being with a label?” Ritsuka asks. “I’ve never… looked into that sort of stuff. A while ago when I was still with my old band, we figured we’d wanna go independent, so… it was just never on the table.”

Haruki hums. “Well, that’s understandable. Well, the big thing is that record labels can help provide us with good and reputable sound engineers and producers, but also get us into a much better studio than the one we have right now. Of course, we should really think things through and look at what it entails before we do anything. But they told me that they’re definitely interested in signing with us.”

“That all sounds good,” Mafuyu says. “Really good. I’m just… a little nervous, I guess.”

“Anything in particular you’re worried about?”

Maybe he’s just getting way too ahead of himself, but Mafuyu can’t help but think several steps ahead just in case. What if they get famous and he can’t handle the fame well? What if he ends up losing who he really is, becoming someone he despises? Mafuyu has read enough horror stories about celebrities who got famous way too fast and too young and couldn’t cope with the consequences of it. He doesn’t know if he’d be one of those, and again—while this is him getting way, _way_ ahead of himself, he feels like maybe it’s a good idea to take these things into account.

“I just… well, it’s a long-shot,” he admits. “But what if we get famous and can’t handle what comes with that?”

He fidgets with his hands, gnawing on his lower lip, but his worrying doesn’t get to last long before Ritsuka lays a hand over his, softly running his thumb over the back of Mafuyu’s left hand. Mafuyu looks up at Ritsuka, who gives him a smile that brings forth a feeling akin to his heart melting.

“Mmm, I wish I could offer more positive and comforting words here, but we just don’t know that. At the same time, there’s no use in worrying about what hasn’t happened yet, you know? We’re in this together—at least one of us is going to be able to smack some sense into a member who might be starting to stray down the wrong path.”

Mafuyu finds himself glad for the fact that Haruki is the one who said this, because Haruki has _seen_ something similar to this with Akihiko. Of course, Mafuyu and Yuki saw it, too, but Haruki and Akihiko were always more than just band members and friends, they always had a different relationship to each other than the one Yuki and Mafuyu had to the older members of The Seasons.

Haruki has, through somewhat unfortunate circumstances, definitely learnt how to handle situations like those. Mafuyu doesn’t want to entirely rely on Haruki for this—he’s well-aware that too much trust on a single person will only break them in the end. Maybe that can serve as at least part of his motivation for moving forward.

“You’re right,” he says in response, and Haruki nods with satisfaction at that reply.

“I know,” Haruki jokes, and he laughs a little. “Anyway, I talked to my sister who says she’ll help us out if we decide on booking a meeting with them.”

“Your sister? What does she work with?” Ritsuka asks.

“Sorry, should’ve clarified that. She’s a lawyer, so she’ll be able to help us look at things and explain what it’s all about in case we don’t get it.”

“Oh. That’s good.”

“Yeah. So, we don’t have to decide on signing with them right _now_ , we should assess things once we can set up a meeting and have Akane look at things for us.”

Akihiko lets out what almost sounds like a mischievous laugh. “Awesome, I get to see Akane again.”

“Oh, shut _up_ , Aki,” Haruki retorts, and he softly hits Akihiko in the side with his fist. He turns his attention back to Mafuyu and Ritsuka across his kitchen table. “How do you feel about it so far?”

Mafuyu nods slowly. “Better. I’m excited, of course, but now I feel… less nervous. I know Akane will help us out, too.”

“I’m excited, too,” Ritsuka chimes in. Something lights up in his eyes, maybe it’s motivation, and Mafuyu feels like he’s just falling in love all over again. It makes him feel more at ease with the situation, too. “We can do this.”

* * *

Haruki sets up a meeting with the record label’s agent on Wednesday the following week, so all four members of Given take off work for that day. They gather up at a café first and meet up with Haruki’s older sister, Akane, who’s come from where she lives in Kanagawa. It’s been a while since Mafuyu last saw her, but she hasn’t changed much. She’s still the same kind and bubbly person as she was back then, and she’s as always pleasant to just be around. At the same time, she’s very good at switching to her ‘work profile’ and be serious, like now when they’re discussing the record label signing.

It feels surreal to Mafuyu, knowing that this is the last thing they have to do before they could practically go professional with music. It all happened because someone watched their performance in Shinjuku and apparently thinks they’re good. Maybe even _really_ good. While it’s a little scary and nerve-wracking, Mafuyu is glad that even record labels can take a liking to the music he and the other create. It is, as Akihiko has said more than once, a sign that they can make it big.

“The most important thing we have to find out is what their royalty rate is, so that you don’t end up losing out on the deal in the long-run. I know this is a reputable record label, and it may all look good on paper, but we have to read the fine print, too. That’s what matters, in the end.”

Haruki lets out a _huh_. “I didn’t know you knew this much about the inner works of the music industry.”

“The law covers many areas, even music,” Akane replies simply. “I’m not well-versed in the music industry itself, but I’ve worked with my fair share of clients within it. This isn’t my first case like this, you know.”

“I… uh, yeah. Sorry, that’s not what I meant.”

Haruki almost sounds like a scolded child, and it makes Mafuyu bite back a laugh. He’s twenty-eight years old, but in the presence of Akane, he almost seems fifteen years younger. Akane must notice that, too, because she laughs in a way Mafuyu doesn’t dare to despite being tempted.

“I know. In any case, we’ll learn more about what they do and how they do things as we get to Phoenix Records; there isn’t a whole lot I can do in preparation for our meeting. But I’ll help you make sure you don’t get tricked into signing a bad deal, of course.”

As Akane drives them over to the record label’s offices, Mafuyu wills himself to think more positively and to shed at least some of his nervousness. This isn’t a make-or-break deal—if things don’t sit well with them in regards to Phoenix, another opportunity will come their way at some point. They’ll continue going like they’ve been doing for a while now, writing songs and performing at local live houses whenever they’ve got an opportunity for it. And one day some other record label might approach them.

He can’t help but also sort of hope that things work out with that first label who approached them, because he _does_ want to dive head-first into making a living off music. It wasn’t really something he was thinking up until a couple of years ago when Akihiko, Haruki, and Yuki asked him to join The Seasons. Back then, he hadn’t had the same kind of interest and passion for music as he does now, and that should probably be enough evidence for Mafuyu that things are going in the right direction.

“Are you okay?”

Mafuyu is taken back to the present by Ritsuka’s voice next to him, and he turns his vacant gaze from the window to his boyfriend instead. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking about… well, all of this.”

Ritsuka smiles a little, and he takes Mafuyu’s hand in his. “Hard not to. It’s also kind of hard not to get my hopes up.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Just walking into the reception at Phoenix Records feels surreal. The interior is very elegant but modern, a monochromatic theme as far as they can see, framed vinyl records hung up on the walls that really pop out with their colours. Despite the fact that practically no one buys physical CDs and vinyl is a practically forgotten concept these days, it’s still nice to _see_ things like these. And maybe it should be expected in the offices of a record label, but Mafuyu can’t help but notice it anyway.

Haruki presents himself and his band in the reception, and they’re told to sit down and wait until their contact comes down to get them. There’s a seating area with large armchairs where they all decide to sit down, and it’s when Mafuyu sinks down into one of those armchairs that he feels his heartrate go up again. He busies himself by scrolling through social media and news sites, half-listening to Haruki, Akane, and Akihiko talking.

“The members of Given, I assume?”

A voice makes all five of them look up, and then Haruki gets out of the armchair to greet the person who approached them.

“Yes,” Haruki replies. “I’m Haruki Nakayama, the bassist and leader of Given.”

“Ah, so you’re the one I corresponded with; I’m Jun Suzumura. It’s nice to meet you. Please follow me, let’s sit down in a meeting room and talk. Do any of you want coffee or tea? Water, perhaps?”

Mafuyu still feels nervous, and it seems Ritsuka notices, because he lets their hands brush together as they walk behind Suzumura down a corridor. Eventually, they reach a door labelled a surname with roman letters, Richards. Across from them is another, and Mafuyu quickly notes that the theme is just… rock musicians and their last names. Richards, Yorke, Gallagher, Bellamy, and so on—there’s a few of them that he sees before they head inside the one labelled Richards, and he thinks it’s both cute and funny.

The interior of the office is definitely not as remarkable as the outside, but it _is_ just a meeting room. There’s a TV screen on one wall, a camera placed on the table and a round device that looks like the microphone—obviously, equipment used for video meetings. The meeting rooms are sparsely furnished with just the equipment, chairs, and the table, and then there are giant windows on the wall where the door is. It feels a little too open for meetings, but Mafuyu isn’t one to cling to such things since they probably won’t be here long, anyway.

“Thank you for coming, first of all,” Suzumura begins when they’ve sat down. “I hope getting here wasn’t too bad.”

“It was just fine,” Haruki says. It’s becoming obvious that he’s going to do most, if not all, of the talking today, which Mafuyu honestly doesn’t mind. He has no idea what he’d say in situations like these even if he’s asked questions he could potentially answer. Haruki is more than just better suited for that. “Thank _you_ for the quick response, and being available so soon.”

Suzumura smiles. “Oh, of course. We’re very interested in working with you, and I hope things will work out that way by the end of this. Let’s get started, then, hm?”

The Nakayama siblings are the ones who do end up doing most of the talking and shooting questions and answers back and forth with Phoenix’s Suzumura, with the other three chiming in every now and then. The general atmosphere feels relaxed and Suzumura definitely isn’t stuck up like Mafuyu had feared would be the case, so that helps to make him feel more at ease.

Akane irons out the legal matters with Suzumura who absolutely came prepared with all of the information they sought out and then some. Again, they’re a reputable record label as seen both online and on their own website, but it’s different being in their offices and meeting with someone _working_ for them. Obviously, Given don’t have anything to compare it with, so there might be even _better_ labels out there. But Mafuyu’s impression is a good one, and it gets better as he and the others find out more about the contracts, royalty fees, gig and sound related services, and other deals that Phoenix has with their artists.

“Feel free to take your time in making this decision,” Suzumura says to conclude their meeting that went on for a lot longer than expected. It didn’t feel that way, though. “Of course, the sooner we know the better, but it also obviously isn’t a decision to be rushed. I hope we made a good impression and that we will work with Given in the future.”

Suzumura sees them out, and the four members of Given plus Akane walk out in what feels almost like a dazed silence. Mafuyu knows he shouldn’t think like this, but it really does feel like it’s too good to be true. The only one he can really trust now to judge Phoenix Records is Akane, based on her knowledge of rules and laws. It’s also nice knowing she’s had clients in the music industry, just like them, so she has that sort of experience and knowledge, too.

“It _is_ a good deal,” Akane says when they’re back in the car. “The contract, as you know, looks good, the fine print is minimal and they’re very open about what they do and what they aim for. I dare say you got lucky with this being the first label that contacted you.”

Akihiko lets out a sigh. “Feels really good knowing that.”

“Yeah, it does,” Haruki agrees. “We’ll think it through, and make a decision by the end of the week.”

* * *

If they go along with this offer from Phoenix, part of Mafuyu is probably gonna miss the mundane life of working in a minimart and only going to the studio every now and then for practice as a hobby. He knows it’s probably strange of him to think this way, but thankfully, Akihiko thinks similarly of it.

“Oh yeah. Maybe it’s because we’re so used to it and going professional within the industry is… new. You know?”

Mafuyu nods slowly. “Yeah. I’m just glad I wasn’t alone in thinking that.”

Akihiko laughs. “Nah, I know Haru does, too. Not so sure about Ue, though. He probably wants this more than the rest of us combined.”

Ritsuka’s outlook and view on these things is something Mafuyu doesn’t understand but at the same time admires. It feels like Ritsuka is facing all of this mostly without fear and hesitation, and is instead just determined. Akihiko’s most likely right in his assumption that Ritsuka wants this more than the others do and probably _has_ wanted it for longer. His passion for music can’t be rivalled, but it’s something that spurs Mafuyu on and makes him love and appreciate music more.

“But you want this, right?” Akihiko asks, and Mafuyu looks up from where he’s bent down tying his shoelaces.

“Yeah, I do. I’m really excited.”

“Me too. I feel like… if I’m with you, Ue, and Haruki… I believe we can do anything.”

Mafuyu’s eyes widen, and Akihiko grins at him, brimming with confidence and determination. Akihiko’s right: they _can_ do anything. They managed to compose enough tracks and songs to cover a forty-five minute slot, and it was all accomplished within less than a month. And judging by both how the crowd reacted and how their social media accounts have experienced quite an increase in activity—it seems like people are very much into their music.

“I think so, too,” Mafuyu says, and Akihiko’s smile grows wider.

He doesn’t feel scared. A little nervous, yes, but Mafuyu assumes it’s normal given the circumstances. It’s a big step to take, a significant decision—but it’s exciting, it’s very new, and it is ultimately what they all want to do with their lives. For each and every thing that happens once they’ve gotten back in touch with Suzumura to let him know of their decision, Mafuyu feels more and more sure of things. His passion and determination grows and soon enough matches that of his bandmates, and it’s a great feeling.

Given celebrate the new year and the signing of their new contract all in one single evening. As they’re watching the sunrise on the first day of the new year, things start on a blank slate, a blank sheet of paper which Mafuyu intends to fill with lyrics, chords, maybe doodles of guitars.

They can see almost the entirety of Yokohama and a bit of the neighbouring Kanagawa from atop the hill they’ve secured their viewing spots, and it’s a gorgeous sight. Mafuyu holds Ritsuka’s hand in his, and almost feels like they can take on the entire world. They just might, one day. For now, it’s quite literally back to the drawing board where they’ll start brainstorming for new songs, and soon enough, they’ll have their second performance but now under a label.

“Happy new year, Mafuyu,” Ritsuka says next to him, and Mafuyu squeezes Ritsuka’s hand gently.

“Happy new year. It’s gonna be a very interesting one.”

Ritsuka huffs a laugh. Mafuyu finds him absolutely beautiful in the light of the early morning sun, and he feels like his heart swells to twice its size. “It is.”

Their first visit to the studio begins with a tour, but it’s obvious to Mafuyu that all of them are experiencing itchy fingers while walking around and only half paying attention to the woman telling them how things work and where things are. All they really want to do is get right to it, but alas, everything has its course. Soon enough, however, they’re left to their own devices, and it feels like they’re kids being released into a toy store.

The sound proofing is so good here that the one in their previous studio seems like a joke in comparison. Even the few pieces of furniture placed around the room is of a much higher quality. It wasn’t that their old studio was bad, but it becomes obvious to Mafuyu what the difference is between renting a studio as an independent artist or band, or being in one owned by a record label. The one thing that upsets Akihiko and to some degree Haruki, too, is that the premises are completely non-smoking, which means they have to go all the way outside to smoke.

Well, it’s a rather small sacrifice to make.

It doesn’t feel like home quite yet, not like the old studio did, but it’ll come. So far, they’ve really been taken care of by Phoenix, and in cases they _wouldn’t_ be, Akane will be right there to help them. Having such a good support system feels great, and maybe that’s part of the whole ‘feeling at home’ sensation.

The day before Mafuyu turns twenty-four is the day of them recording their first single. Their spring is full of recordings, and then they’ve also got another live performance planned in the first half of the year to promote their first album. The blank sheet of paper is filling up with many promising things that Mafuyu is already excited to look through.

He’ll be fine. _They’ll_ be fine. It all starts with a chord, and grows into a song.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haruki's sister doesn't have a canon name (yet?) so I just came up with one. As one has to do with these minor characters- like, jesus - we didn't even know Waka's last name until episode 4 came out and it was listed as Kurihara [in the credits](https://i.imgur.com/SkEffek.png).
> 
> There's a reference towards the end in this chapter, to Given's manga chapter 37 where Mafuyu visits Akihiko and they talk about the offer to debut. I felt like I had to include that because it fits here, too. :>
> 
> Anyhow, thank you so much for reading, commenting, subscribing, and bookmarking this fic! It certainly won't be the last thing I write for Given, so if you're interested in more of my works, I'd be honoured if you subscribed to know when more fics are published! 🎸♪♫

**Author's Note:**

> { [tumblr](https://radiodread.tumblr.com) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/natastrophies) }


End file.
